'Now there’s the million dollar question. But, it’s an easy answer. I was far too young, Haley, and I knew it. And, to be honest, with you and with myself, I was very selfish. I had a dream my entire life, as you know, of going to college, moving on, reaching my dreams. A child did not fit into that plan very well. I knew it was the best thing for everyone involved. Ultimately, especially for Kendall. She deserved parents that could give her everything emotionally that she needed. The time and love.'
'So, you left Dartmouth?'
'Yes. My mom assured me that if I came back home, I could go to school locally, and she could help out. I could live at home, and get excellent medical care. So, I left Dartmouth, and enrolled in Carlton.'
'Did you see Kendall when she was born?' she asked, running her hand down my arm until she held my hand. I squeezed her fingers, she squeezed back. I nodded.
'Yes. My mother and the Torrinis were in the delivery room that day. I was given Kendall as soon as she was born, held her, kissed the top of her head,' My voice broke, and my hand came up to hide my face as the tears came anew. I thought back to that day. It was three-thirty in the morning, and I was so exhausted, and my body hurt, and so did my soul. Even though I knew it was the right thing to do, I was giving up my child, my flesh and blood. Holding her to me, seeing the thick, dark hair she had, and the wail, it was almost too much. My breasts had began to hurt immediately, responding to the call of my hungry child.
I felt arms encircle me, and I fell into them, letting the pain of nearly eleven years finally come out, me never really dealing with it, or letting it out.
'I’m so sorry, Andi.' Haley whispered into my ear, her hand stroking my shoulder, my head against her neck.
Hating myself for letting something that was beyond my control get the best of me, I took all that pain, all that guilt, and all those emotions and shoved them back into their dark little cabinet where I could put the lock back on the door.
I swiped at my eyes, trying to eat the sobs.
'Are you okay?' I nodded, pulling away, but still needing the warmth of human contact. Haley kept her hand on my shoulder, massaging the skin through my shirt, and waiting for me to continue.
'Anyway, a deal’s a deal. So, the Torrinis took Kendall home, and the rest is history.'
'Does Kendall know?' I nodded, using the hem of my shirt to wipe at my eyes. 'Hold on,' Haley stood, and walked away for a moment, returning with a box of Kleenex.
I smiled my gratitude, and blew my nose, dried my eyes.
'Is Scott still in the picture?' I shook my head.
'Oh, no. I told him about the baby, but he wanted no part of it. He signed his rights away. Believe it or not, he was even more determined than I was.' Haley smiled. 'I imagine he’s some huge, successful neurosurgeon somewhere.' She sighed quietly, slowly letting the breath out.
'Has she ever said anything like that before?' She sat next to me again, putting the box of tissues on the coffee table, and turning back to me. I shook my head.
'No. Never.' I looked toward her room again, then at my old friend.
'I don’t think she meant anything by it, Andi. Kids say things that they don’t even realize. They don’t know the damage they can do.'
'Yeah. I think she was embarrassed when I told her not to curse. You know, she was in front of adults. She really likes you, you know.' I smiled at her. She smiled at me.
'Well, I like her, too. She’s a good kid, Andi. I don’t think she meant to hurt you.' I took a deep breath, feeling like a kid as I dug the heels of my hands into my eyes to try and stop the burning.
'Do many people know about this?' I shook my head.
'Nope. You’re the only one other than family.' Haley sat back, her arm running along the back of the couch.
'So Erin never knew about Kendall?'
'No.' Her brows drew in surprise.
'Why?' I shrugged.
'Good question. I guess mostly because Erin didn’t like to be around Kendall. She never tried to understand what Kendall meant to me. Even if I really were just her mentor.' I blew my nose again, tossing the Kleenex aside, and grabbing another one. 'I never felt that I could fully trust Erin in that way. Not that she’d go and tell the entire hospital about it, but that she’d never understand the importance of Kendall to me, never respect her as my child. You know?' Haley nodded.
'I understand, and I’m sorry. That was wrong of Erin.'
'Yes. Well, Erin wanted to settle down, that was true. But she never really tried to get to know me, the real me.' I pointed to myself. 'She was always more intent on knowing where I was, and what I was doing, than what was inside me.' I ran a hand through my hair, and sighed. 'It pushed me away further than I pushed myself away.'
'I’m sorry, Andi. It sounds like Erin wasn’t what you needed.' I nodded.
'You can say that again. She’s a good woman, and I know that she’ll find what she’s looking for, but I’m glad it’s over.' I looked at Haley, feeling so vulnerable, but feeling like I needed to talk with Haley. 'Haley?'
'Yes, Andi?'
'Why do I push people away like I do? I mean, it’s not like I had this horrible childhood where I wasn’t loved and had to fight on the streets. I don’t get it.'
'Well, before I answer, do you mind if I get some water?' Haley pointed toward the kitchen. I smiled, nodding my head. Haley stood, then looked down at me. 'Want anything?'
'Yeah. Get me an OJ, will you?'
'You know, Andi,' Haley said as she made her way to the fridge. 'I think you don’t feel you’re understood, and because of that lack of understanding, you shut yourself off so you can’t be hurt that way.' She handed me the 10 ounce plastic bottle, and sat again, opening her own bottle of juice. 'No one has bothered to try and look deeper than the puddle that you allow to be seen, Andi. Let’s face it; you’re quite intimidating when you want to be. Which,' she chuckled. 'Is most the time, unfortunately.' I looked at her, brows drawn.
'But you’re not intimidated by me.' Haley shook her head, taking a long drink of her juice, and setting the near empty bottle aside.
'Not at all. I see you. The real you.' I stared at her, unsure what to say, what to think, what to feel. My head was far too mottled with thoughts to even attempt dissecting what she was telling me. We both sat quietly, lost in our own thoughts. I’m not sure how long we sat there, perhaps it was two minutes, maybe two hours. It just felt good to be, and know that someone was with you that understood, and could offer the kindness and understanding that I needed.
Finally Haley spoke.
'It’s getting late, Andi.' I felt a warm hand on mine again. I looked into her eyes. She smiled at me. 'I think you’ve had enough thinking for one night.' I smiled back, nodding. 'You’ll be okay?' I nodded. She patted my hand. 'I’ll see you later, okay?'
'Yeah. Thank you so much, Haley.'
'Sure.' She stood, standing before me, her arms out to the side. I looked up at her. 'Come, come.' Shaking my head with a grin, I stood, and stepped into her arms. The hug was tight, warm, and brief. She stepped back from me. 'You’ll be okay, Andi. You’re a strong cookie.' She grabbed her juice, finished it, and headed back into the kitchen to throw it out. She looked at me one last time, smiled, then headed out.
I stayed where I was for a moment, feeling so exhausted, and near empty, as if I had just purged everything that was in me tonight. How on earth did Haley get me to admit to all this crap? It was her job, after all. Guess I shouldn’t be so surprised.
Kendall.
I turned again to the door that I knew she slept behind. Almost as if they had their own mind, my legs began to move, carrying me toward it. I put my hand out, slowly, quietly turning the doorknob, and pushed the door open.
The dim light from the lamp in the other room shed some light into the darkness. Kendall lay on her side, her back to me in her bed, the blankets tucked under her arm. I stood there in the doorway, watching my daughter as she slept. My daughter. Rarely did I ever let those words enter into my mind. That way I didn’t have to think, or
