many times do I have to tell you to stay off my steps?” A squatty black woman said as she waddled up to the desk.
“Just assisting the customers, Momma Dee, just assisting the customers.”
“Like, how come there’s, like, no sign out front?” Ziggy asked the woman.
“Our celebrity guests don’t like the notoriety,” Momma Dee replied.
“Celebrities, like, stay here?”
“Oh, sure,” the woman replied. “Why, Madonna stops in all the time. Now, you must be the Pendleton party.”
“Like, how’d you know that?” Ziggy asked.
“You’re the only reservation I have. I’m going to give you the best room in the house, the Louis Armstrong suite. Twenty-nine a night plus tax, the first two nights in advance. Complimentary cafe au lait served in the lobby between seven and seven-thirty, weekdays only. And Momma Dee goes to bed at eight in the evening sharp. If you need anything after that, make sure it’s something that can wait until morning. Second key opens the front door after hours, so don’t go banging like a fool on it in the middle of the night, ’cause I ain’t answering.”
“Room service?” Avery asked hopefully as he paid for their first two nights.
“Anything you want to serve yourself in your room is fine by me, unless it’s illegal. Immoral, that’s no problem, just not illegal. Jasper!” Momma Dee snapped. “Since you already up in here, make yourself useful and help these guests with their luggage. Room three-oh-two, top floor.” She handed two brass keys on a ring to Avery. “Now, Momma Dee is getting back to her Sudoku. I got this one by the balls.” She ambled back into the office behind the front desk. “Room phones don’t work,” she said over her shoulder. “If you need to use one, just come on down. I’ll be here until eight.” Ziggy and Avery exhaustedly followed Jasper up the stairs toward their suite.
“Like, Louis Armstrong actually stayed here, man?” Ziggy asked as he touched the peeling and slightly damp wallpaper in the stairway.
“Hell, no!” said Jasper as he lugged the roller bag and lawn sack up the narrow staircase. “That man had class.”
To: The Administrator
National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA)
Dear Sir:
I’m writing to inform you of a recent change in galactic title regarding a specific stellar object. Three years ago, through a well-known and highly regarded international registry organization, I purchased the naming rights to a star. This particular celestial object resides at Right Ascension 14 hours, 45 minutes, and 8.42 seconds and Declination 41 degrees, 11 minutes, and 32.22 seconds. Since obtaining the naming rights, this star has been known as Averius Maximus. Now, after three years of “open and notorious possession,” I’m claiming full title and complete and unequivocal ownership of this astronomical object under the State of Texas Adverse Possession laws. As the rightful owner of this star, I am willing to grant your organization the opportunity to post an image of my star on your website’s “Image of the Day Gallery,” along with a detailed press release that I will happily provide. After one day of free use, any attempt to utilize photographic or written descriptions of Averius Maximus will need to be licensed through my holding company Averius Maximus, Inc.
P.S. — Redirection of any available telescopes or nearby research satellites in order to provide a detailed analysis of solar mass, luminosity, radius, and chemical composition for Averius Maximus would be greatly appreciated and will factor significantly in favorable future image licensing terms.
CHAPTER THREE
Our House Wine Is Wild Turkey
Avery shut down his laptop as another marauding drop of dank rainwater dripped from the ceiling and landed on his head. He’d already moved around the small, dingy hotel room three times this morning in search of a safe place to compose his latest correspondence. Avery wiped his nose and rubbed his bloodshot eyes. The combination of humidity, mold, and occasional gunfire had played havoc with him all night. However, from Avery’s perspective, the worst feature of their lodging arrangement was the constant scratching sound of something mysterious moving behind the hotel room’s walls. He’d tossed and turned more than he slept. His rolling and kicking had ultimately pushed Ziggy out of their shared bed sometime in the early morning hours. Ziggy now lay curled up in the corner using his plastic trash bag as a makeshift blanket and a pile of spare clothes as a pillow. Avery ambled across the room and turned on the television. It had sound but no picture. He turned it off.
“Like, yeah, baby,” Ziggy mumbled in his twitching sleep. “Like, don’t stop with, like, the whipped cream. Like, more whipped cream, baby.”
“Wake up, you lazy deviant.” Avery kicked at Ziggy.
“Like, what?” Ziggy sputtered as he bolted upright. “Dude, you, like, foiled my awesome dream,” he said as he rubbed his face. “Bummer, man. Like, total bummer for the Zigster.”
“Get ready, pervert. We’ve got a long day ahead of us. The conference starts at noon. I don’t want to be late.”
“Like, are we still going to the voodoo shop first?” Ziggy asked as he pulled on his sandals.
“No time for that,” Avery replied as he changed out of his bathrobe and into his tracksuit. “One must prioritize.”
“But, like, you promised,” Ziggy moaned.
“I rarely keep the promises I make to myself. How can you possibly expect me to keep the ones I make to you?”
“But, dude,” Ziggy complained. “I really, like, need to check that place out that Pappy was talking about. It’s the, like, the real deal, man. No fake stuff. It’s all legit.”
“Out of the question.”
“Then I’m, like, out, man.”
“Out of what?”
“Like, this place, dude. Where’s the bus station?” Ziggy crammed his belongings back into his trash bag. “This bites, man. You, like, lied. That’s bad karma, man. Like, really bad karma.”
“You’re going nowhere,” Avery said as he slid into his black high-tops. “A manservant never abandons his master.”
“Hey, man. I’m, like, your wingman. Not a slave. Like, no wonder you don’t have more friends.”
“I don’t require friends.” Avery strapped on his fanny pack. “In my experience, friendship tends to clutter an otherwise perfectly good relationship between two people. Keep people at arm’s length at all times. It keeps them away from your wallet.”
“Like, fine then.” Ziggy sat down cross-legged on the dirty hotel room’s carpet and inhaled loudly.
“What are you doing?”
“Holding my breath.”
“Why?”
“So you’ll, like, change your mind,” Ziggy replied.
“Why would that change my mind?”
“Like, if they find me dead they’ll, like, blame you,” Ziggy said as he suddenly exhaled and then took another deep breath.
“You’re not doing a very good job with this plan of yours,” Avery said as he watched Ziggy’s face slowly turn
