'Don't stand there looking like a startled whatsisname, what are those things what aren't seals? Much worse than seals. Big blubbery things. Dugongs. Don't stand there looking like a startled dugong. Why has that...' Gilks pointed into the room behind him, 'why has that. . .man in there got your name and teIephone number on an envelope full uf money?'
'How m...' started Dirk. 'How, may I ask, do you come to be here, Gilks? What are you doing so far from the Fens? Surprised you find it dank enough for you here.'
'Three hundred pounds,' said Gilks. 'Why?'
'Perhaps you would allow me to speak to my client,' said Dirk.
'Your client, eh?' said Gilks grimly. 'Yes. All right. Why don't you speak to him? I'd be interested to hear what you have to say.' He stood back stiffly, and waved Dirk into the room.
Dirk gathered his thoughts and entered the room in a state of controlled composure which lasted for just over a second.
Most of his client was sitting quietly in a comfortable chair in front of the hi-fi. The chair was placed in the optimal listening position - about twice as far back from the speakers as the distance between them, which is generally considered to be ideal for stereo imaging.
He seemed generally to be casual and relaxed with his legs crossed and a half-finished cup of coffee on the small table beside him. Distressingly, though, his head was sitting neatly on the middle of the record which was revolving on the hi-fi turntable, with the tone arm snuggling up against the neck and constantly being deflected back into the same groove. As the head revolved it seemed once every 1.8 seconds or so to shoot Dirk a reproachful glance, as if to say, 'See what happens when you don't turn up on time like I asked you to,' then it would sweep on round to the wall, round, round, and back to the front again with more reproach.
'Don't pick it up, pick it up, pick i-
'Don't pick it up, pick it up, pick i-'
The room swayed a little around Dirk, and he put his hand out against the wall to steady it.
'Was there any particular service you were engaged to provide for your client?' said Gilks behind him, very quietly.
'Oh, er, just a small matter,' said Dirk weakly. 'Nothing connected with all this. No, he, er, didn't mention any of this kind of thing at all. Well, look, I can see you're busy, I think I'd better just collect my fee and leave. You say he left it out for me?'
Having said this, Dirk sat heavily on a small bentwood chair standing behind him, and broke it.
Gilks hauled him back to his feet again, and propped him against the wall. Briefly he left the room, then came back with a small jug of water and a glass on a tray. He poured some water into the glass, took it to Dirk and threw it at him.
'Better?'
'No,' spluttered Dirk, 'can't you at least turn the record off?'
'That's forensic's job. Can't touch anything till the clever dicks have been. Maybe that's them now. Go out on to the patio and get some air. Chain yourself to the railing and beat yourself up a little, I'm pushed for time myself. And try to look less green, will you? It's not your colour.'
'Don't pick it up, pick it up, pick i-
'Don't pick it up, pick it up, pick i-'
Gilks turned round, looking tired and cross, and was about to go out and up the stairs to meet the newcomers whose voices could be heard up on the ground floor, when he paused and watched the head revolving patiently on its heavy platter for a few seconds.
'You know,' he said at last, 'these smart-alec show-off suicides really make me tired. They only do it to annoy.'
'Suicide?' said Dirk.
Gilks glanced round at him.
'Windows secured with iron bars half an inch thick,' he said. 'Door locked from the inside with the key still in the lock. Furniture piled against the inside of the door. French windows to the patio locked with mortice door bolts. No signs of a tunnel. If it was murder then the murderer must have stopped to do a damn fine job of glazing on the way out. Except that all the putty's old nnd painted over.
'No. Nobody's left this room, and nobody's broken into it except for us, and I'm pretty sure we didn't do it.
'I haven't time to fiddle around on this one. Obviously suicide; and just done to be difficult. I've half a mind to do the deceased for wasting police time. Tell you what,' he said, glancing at his watch, 'you've got ten minutes. If you come up with a plausible explanation of how he did it that I can put in my report, I'll let you keep the evidence in the envelope minus 20 per cent compensation to me for the emotional wear and tear involved in not punching you in the mouth.'
Dirk wondered for a moment whether or not to mention the visits his client claimed to have received from a strange and violent green-eyed, fur-clad giant who regularly emerged out of nowhere bellowing about contracts and obligations and waving a three foot glittering-edged scythe, but decided, on balance, no.
'Don't pick it up, pick it up, pick i-
'Don't pick it up, pick it up, pick i-'
He was seething at himself at last. He had not been able to seethe at himself properly over the death of his client because it was too huge and horrific a burden to bear. But now he had been humiliated by Gilks, and found himself in too wobbly and disturbed a state to fight back, so he was able to seethe at himself about that.
He turned sharply away from his tormentor and let himself out into the patio garden to be alone with his
