Mirror Dance

He almost laughed. “That sounds like a typical conversation with the Countess.” His choking fear began to recede. She doesn’t despise me … ?

“I was wrong about you,” Bothari-Jesek said sturdily.

His hands spread in exasperation. “It’s nice to know I have such a defender, but you weren’t wrong. What you thought was exactly what was going on. I would have if I could have,” he said bitterly. “It wasn’t my virtue that stopped me, it was my high-voltage conditioning.”

“Oh, I don’t mean wrong about the facts. But I was projecting a lot of my own anger, into the way I was explaining you to myself. I had no idea how much you were a product of systematic torture. And how incredibly you resisted. I think I would have gone catatonic, in your place.”

“It wasn’t that bad all the time,” he said uncomfortably.

“But you have to understand,” she repeated doggedly, “what was going on with me. About my father.”

“Huh?” He felt as if his head had just been given a sharp half-twist to the left. “I know what my father has to do with this, why the hell is yours in on it?”

She walked around the room. Working up to something. When she did speak, it came out all in a rush. “My father raped my mother. That’s where I came from, during the Barrayaran invasion of Escobar. I’ve known for some years. It’s made me allergically sensitive on the subject. I can’t stand it,” her hands clenched, “yet it’s in me. I can’t escape it. It made it very hard for me to see you clearly. I feel like I’ve been looking at you through a fog for the last ten weeks. The Countess has dispelled it.” Indeed, her eyes did not freeze him any more. “The Count helped me too, more than I can say.”

“Oh.” What was he to say? So, it hadn’t been just him they’d been talking about for the past two hours. There was clearly more to her story, but he sure wasn’t going to ask. For once, it wasn’t his place to apologize. “I’m … not sorry you exist. However you got here.”

She smiled, crookedly. “Actually, neither am I.”

He felt very strange. His fury at the violation of his privacy was fading, to be replaced by a light- heartedness that astonished him. He was greatly relieved, to be unburdened of his secrets. His dread was shrunken, as if giving it away had literally diminished it. I swear if I tell four more people, I’ll be altogether free.

He swung his legs out of the bed, grabbed her by the hand, led her to a wooden chair beside his window, climbed up and stood on it, and kissed her. “Thank you!”

She looked quite startled. “What for?” she asked on the breath of a laugh. Firmly, she repossessed her hand.

“For existing. For letting me live. I don’t know.” He grinned, exhilarated, but the grin faded in dizziness, and he climbed down more carefully, and sat.

She stared down at him, and bit her lip. “Why do you do that to yourself?”

No use to pretend he didn’t know what that was, the physical manifestations of his compulsive gorge were obvious enough. He felt monstrous. He swiped a hand over his sweaty face. “I don’t know. I do think, half of what we call madness is just some poor slob dealing with pain by a strategy that annoys the people around him.”

“How is it dealing with pain to give yourself more pain?” she asked plaintively.

He half-smiled, hands on his knees, staring at the floor. “There is a kind of riveting fascination to it. Takes your mind off the real thing. Consider what a toothache does to your attention span.”

She shook her head. “I’d rather not, thank you.”

“Galen was only trying to screw up my relation with my father,” he sighed, “but he managed to screw up my relation with everything. He knew he wouldn’t be able to control me directly once he turned me loose on Barrayar, so he had to build in motivations that would last.” He added lowly, “It ricocheted back on him. Because in a sense, Galen was my father too. My foster-father. First one I ever had.” The Count had been alive to that one. “I was so hungry for identity, when the Komarrans picked me up on Jackson’s Whole. I think I must have been like one of those baby birds that imprints on a watering pot or something, because it’s the first parent-bird-sized thing it sees.”

“You have a surprising talent for information analysis,” she remarked. “I noticed it even back at Jackson’s Whole.”

“Me?” he blinked. “Certainly not!” Not a talent, surely, or he’d be getting better results. But despite all his frustrations, he had felt a kind of contentment, in his little cubicle at ImpSec this past week, the serenity of a monk’s cell, combined with the absorbing challenge of that universe of data … in an odd way it reminded him of the peaceful times with the virtual learning programs, in his childhood back at the clone-creche. The times when no one had been hurting him.

“The Countess thinks so too. She wants to see you.”

“What, now?”

“She sent me to get you. But I had to get my word in first. Before it got any later, and I lost my chance. Or my nerve.”

“All right. Let me pull myself together.” He was intensely grateful wine had not been served tonight. He retreated to his bathroom, washed his face in the coldest water, forced down a couple of painkiller tabs, and combed his hair. He slipped one of the back-country-style vests over his dark shirt, and followed Bothari-Jesek into the hall.

She took him to the Countess’s own study, which was a serene and austere chamber overlooking the back garden, just off her bedroom. Her and her husband’s bedroom. Mark glimpsed the dark interior, down a step and through an archway. The Count’s absence seemed an almost palpable thing.

The Countess was at her comconsole, not a secured government model, just a very expensive commercial one. Shell flowers inlaid on black wood framed the vid plate, which was generating the image of a harried-looking man. The Countess was saying sharply, “Well, find out the arrangements, then! Yes, tonight, now. And then get back to me. Thank you.” She batted the off-key, and swung around to face Mark and Bothari-Jesek.

“Are you checking on a ticket to Jackson’s Whole?” he asked tremulously, hoping against hope.

“No.”

“Oh.” Of course not. How could she let him go? He was a fool. It was useless to suppose—

“I was checking on getting you a ship. If you’re going, you’ll need a lot more independent mobility than scheduled commercial transport will allow.”

“Buy a ship?” he said, stunned. And he’d thought that line about the clock factory had been a joke. “Isn’t that pretty expensive?”

“Lease, if I can. Buy if I have to. There seem to be three or four possibilities, in Barrayar or Komarr orbit.”

“Still—how?” He didn’t think even the Vorkosigans could buy a jump-ship out of pocket change.

“I can mortgage something,” the Countess said rather vaguely, looking around.

“Since synthetics came in, you can’t hock the family jewels any more.” He followed her gaze. “Not Vorkosigan House!”

“No, it’s entailed. Same problem with the District Residence at Hassadar. I can pledge Vorkosigan Surleau on my bare word, though.”

The heart of the realm, oh shit …

“All these houses and history are all very well,” she complained, raising her eyebrows at his dismayed expression, “but a bloody museum doesn’t make a very liquid asset. In any case, the finances are my problem. You’ll have your own worries.”

“A crew?” was the first thought that popped into his head, and out of his mouth.

“A jump-pilot and engineer will come with the ship, at a minimum. As for supercargo, well, there are all those idle Dendarii, hanging in Komarr orbit. I imagine you could find a volunteer or two among them. It’s obvious they can’t take the Ariel back into Jacksonian local space.”

“Quinnie has bleeding fingers by now, from scratching at the doors,” Bothari-Jesek said. “Even Illyan won’t be able to hold her much longer, if ImpSec doesn’t get a break soon.”

“Will Illyan try to hold me?” asked Mark anxiously.

“If it weren’t for Aral, I’d be going myself,” said the Countess. “And I sure as hell wouldn’t let Illyan stop