of the armed forces, Miles wondered if the old Admiral's uniform was still correct. Or had it simply grown to him?
'I, ah,' his father began, and paused. He cleared his throat, delicately. 'I was wondering what your thinking was now, for your next step. Your alternate plans.'
Miles's lips tightened, and he shrugged. 'There never were any alternate plans. I'd planned to succeed. More fool I.'
Lord Vorkosigan tilted his head in negation. 'If it's any consolation, you were very close. I talked to the selection board commander today. Do you—want to know your score on the writtens?'
'I thought they never released those. Just an alphabetical list: in or out.'
Lord Vorkosigan spread his hand, offering. Miles shook his head. 'Let it go. It doesn't matter. It was hopeless from the beginning. I was just too stiff-necked to admit it.'
'Not so. We all knew it would be difficult. But I would never have let you put that much effort on something I thought impossible.'
'I must have inherited the neck from you.'
They exchanged a brief, ironic nod. 'Well, you couldn't have had it from your mother,' Lord Vorkosigan admitted.
'She's not—disappointed, is she?'
'Hardly. You know her lack of enthusiasm for the military. Hired killers, she called us once. Almost the first thing she ever said to me.' He looked fondly reminiscent.
Miles grinned in spite of himself. 'She really said that to you?'
Lord Vorkosigan grinned back. 'Oh, yes. But she married me anyway, so perhaps it wasn't all that heartfelt.' He grew more serious. 'It's true, though. If I had any doubts about your potential as an officer—'
Miles stiffened inwardly.
'—it was perhaps in that area. To kill a man, it helps if you can first take away his face. A neat mental trick. Handy for a soldier. I'm not sure you have the narrowness of vision required. You can't help seeing all around. You're like your mother, you always have that clear view of the back of your own head.'
'Never knew you for narrow, sir.'
'Ah, but I lost the trick of it. That's why I went into politics.' Lord Vorkosigan smiled, but the smile faded. 'To your cost, I'm afraid.'
The remark triggered a painful memory. 'Sir,' asked Miles hesitantly, 'is that why you never made the bid for the Imperium that everyone was expecting? Because your heir was—' a vague gesture at his body silently implied the forbidden term, 'deformed'.
Lord Vorkosigan's brows drew together. His voice dropped suddenly to near a whisper, making Miles jump. 'Who has said so?'
'Nobody,' Miles replied nervously.
His father flung himself out of his chair and snapped back and forth across the room. 'Never,' he hissed, 'let anyone say so. It is an insult to both our honors. I gave my oath to Ezar Vorbarra on his deathbed to serve his grandson—and I have done so. Period. End of argument.'
Miles smiled placatingly. 'I wasn't arguing.'
Lord Vorkosigan looked around, and gave vent to a short chuckle. 'Sorry. You just hit my jitter trigger. Not your fault, boy.' He sat back down, controlled again. 'You know how I feel about the Imperium. The witch's christening gift, accursed. Try telling them that, though …' He shook his head.
'Surely Gregor can't suspect you of ambition. You've done more for him than anyone, right through Vordarian's Pretendership, the Third Cetagandan War, the Komarr Revolt—he wouldn't even be here today—'
Lord Vorkosigan grimaced. 'Gregor is in a rather tender state of mind at the moment. Just come to full power—and by my oath, it is real power—and itching, after sixteen years of being governed by what he refers to privately as 'the old geezers', to try its limits. I have no wish to set myself up as a target.'
'Oh, come on. Gregor's not so faithless.'
'No, indeed, but he is under a great many new pressures that I can no longer protect—' he cut himself off with a fist-closing gesture. 'Just alternate plans. Which brings us, I hope, back to the original question.'
Miles rubbed his face tiredly, pressing fingertips against his eyes. 'I don't know, sir.'
'You could,' said Lord Vorkosigan neutrally, 'ask Gregor for an Imperial order.'
'What, shove me into the Service by force? By the sort of political favoritism you've stood against all your life?' Miles sighed. 'If I were going to get in that way, I should have done it first, before failing the tests. Now—no. No.'
'But,' Lord Vorkosigan went on earnestly, 'you have too much talent and energy to waste on idleness. There are other forms of service. I wanted to put an idea or two to you. Just to think on.'
'Go ahead.'
'Officer, or not, you will be Count Vorkosigan someday.' He held up a hand as Miles opened his mouth to object. 'Someday. You will inevitably have a place in the government, always barring revolution or some other social catastrophe. You will represent our ancestral district. A district which has, frankly, been shamefully neglected. Your grandfather's recent illness isn't the only reason. I've been taken up with the press of other work, and before that we both pursued military careers—'
Tell me about it, Miles thought wearily.
'The end result is, there is a lot of work to be done there. Now, with a bit of legal training—'
'A lawyer?' Miles said, aghast. 'You want me to be a lawyer? That's as bad as being a tailor—'
'Beg pardon?' asked Lord Vorkosigan, missing the connection.
'Never mind. Something Grandfather said.'
'Actually, I hadn't planned to mention the idea to your grandfather.' Lord Vorkosigan cleared his throat. 'But given some ground in government principles, I thought you might, ah, deputize for your grandfather in the district. Government was never all warfare, even in the Time of Isolation, you know.'
Sounds like you've been thinking about it for a while, Miles thought resentfully. Did you ever really believe I could make the grade, Father? He looked at Lord Vorkosigan more doubtfully. 'There's not anything you're not telling me, is there, sir? About your—health, or anything?'
'Oh, no,' Lord Vorkosigan reassured him. 'Although in my line of work, you never know from one day to the next.'
I wonder, thought Miles warily, what else is going on between Gregor and my father? I have a queasy feeling I'm getting about ten percent of the real story …
Lord Vorkosigan blew out his breath, and smiled. 'Well. I'm keeping you from your rest, which you need at this point.' He rose.
'I wasn't sleepy, sir.'
'Do you want me to get you anything to help … ?' Lord Vorkosigan offered, cautiously tender.
'No, I have some painkillers they gave me at the infirmary. Two of those and I'll be swimming in slow motion.' Miles made flippers of his hands, and rolled his eyes back.
Lord Vorkosigan nodded, and withdrew.
Miles lay back and tried to recapture Elena in his mind. But the cold breath of political reality blown in with his father withered his fantasies, like frost out of season. He swung to his feet and shuffled to his bathroom for a dose of his slow-motion medicine.
Two down, and a swallow of water. All of them, whispered something from the back of his brain, and you could come to a complete stop … He banged the nearly full container back onto the shelf.
His eyes gave back a muted spark from the bathroom mirror. 'Grandfather is right. The only way to go down is fighting.'
He returned to bed, to re-live his moment of error on the wall in an endless loop until sleep relieved him of himself.
CHAPTER THREE
