I says, “Huh?” An Mister Tribble, he says, “No, we are chess players.”
An the feller say, “Well that’s kind of a shame, because the big guy here, he looks ideal for a role in a movie I’m doing.” And then he turn to me an feel of my arm an say, “My, my, you
“I did once,” I says.
“Really!” the feller says. “What in?”
“
“Marvelous, baby,” he says, “that’s just marvelous—do you have your SAG card?”
“My what?”
“Screen Actors Guild—oh, no matter,” he say. “Listen, baby, we can get that, no trouble. What I want to know is, where have they been hiding you? I mean, just look at you! A perfect big strong silent type—another John Wayne.”
“He is no John Wayne,” Mister Tribble say sourly, “he is a world-class chess player.”
“Well all the better,” the feller say, “a
“Ain’t as smart as I look,” I says, tryin to be honest, but the feller say none of that matters anyhow, cause actors ain’t sposed to be smart
“My name’s Felder,” he says, “an I make movies. I want you to take a screen test.”
“He has to play in a chess tournament tomorrow,” Mister Tribble say. “He has no time for acting or screen tests.”
“Well, you could squeeze it in, couldn’t you? After all, it might be the break you’ve been looking for. Why don’t you come along, too, Tribble, we’ll give you a screen test as well.”
“We’ll try,” Mister Tribble say. “Now come along, Forrest, we have a little more work to do.”
“See you later, baby,” say Mister Felder, “don’t forget now.”
An off we go.
22
The nex mornin is when the chess tournament is bein helt out at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Me an Mister Tribble is there early an he has me signed up for matches all day.
Basically, it ain’t no big deal. It took me about seven minutes to whup the first guy, who was a regional master an also a professor in some college, which made me secretly feel kind of good. I had beat a professor after all.
Nex was a kid about seventeen, an I wiped him out in less than half a hour. He thowed a tantrum an then commenced to bawlin an cryin an his mama had to come drag him off.
They was all sorts of people I played that day an the nex, but I beat em all pretty fast, which was a relief since when I played against Big Sam I had to keep settin there an not go to the bathroom or nothin, cause if I got up from the chessboard he would move the pieces aroun an try to cheat.
Anyhow, by that time I had got my way into the finals an they was a day’s rest in between. I gone on back to the hotel with Mister Tribble an found a message to us from Mister Felder, the movie guy. It say, “Please call my office this afternoon an arrange for a screen test tomorrow morning,” an it give a telephone number to call.
“Well, Forrest,” Mister Tribble say, “I don’t know bout this. What do you think?”
“I dunno either,” I says, but to tell the truth, it soun sort of excitin, bein in the movies an all. Maybe I even get to meet Raquel Welch or somebody.
“Oh, I don’t suppose it would hurt anything,” Mister Tribble say. “I guess I’ll call an set up an appointment.” So he call Mister Felder’s office an be findin out when an where for us to go an all of a sudden he cup his hand over the phone an say to me, “Forrest, can you swim?” An I say, “Yup,” an he say back into the phone, “Yes, he can.”
After he done hung up, I axed why they want to know if I can swim, an Mister Tribble say he don’t know, but he recon we will find out when we get there.
The movie lot we gone to is a different place than the other one, an we was met at the gate by a guard that took us to where the screen test is bein helt. Mister Felder is there arguin with a lady that actually look somethin like Raquel Welch, but when he seen me, he is all smiles.
“Ah, Forrest,” he say, “terrific you came. Now what I want you to do is go thru that door to Makeup and Costuming, and then they will send you back out when they are finished.”
So I gone on thru the door an there is a couple of ladies standin there an one of em say, “Okay, take off your clothes.” Here I go again, but I do as I am tole. When I get thru takin off my clothes, the other lady han me this big blob of rubber-lookin clothes with scales an shit all over it an funny-lookin webbed feet an hans. She say to put it on. It take the three of us to get me in the thing but after bout a hour we manage. Then they point me in the direction of Makeup an I is tole to set in a chair wile a lady an a feller commence to jam down this big rubber mask over my head an fit it to the costume an start paintin over the lines where it showed. When they is thru, they say for me to go back out to the movie set.
I can hardly walk on account of the webbed feet an it is hard to get the door open with a webbed han, but finally I do an I suddenly find myself in a outdoor place with a big lake an all sorts of banana trees an tropical-lookin shit. Mister Felder is there an when he seen me, he jump back an say, “Terrific, baby! You is perfect for the part!”
“What part is that?” I axed, an he say, “Oh, didn’t I tell you? I am doing a remake of
Mister Felder motion for the lady he had been arguin with to come over. “Forrest,” he say, “I want you to meet Raquel Welch.”
Well, you coudda knocked me over with a feather! There she were, all dressed up in a low-cut gown an all. “Please to meet you,” I says thru the mask, but Raquel Welch turn to Mister Felder lookin mad as a hornet.
“What’d he say? Something about my tits, wasn’t it!”
“No, baby, no,” say Mister Felder. “He just said he was glad to meet you. You can’t hear him too well because of that mask he’s got on.”
I stuck out my webbed han to shake hans with her, but she jump back about a foot, an say, “Uggh! Let’s get this goddamn thing over with.”
Anyhow, Mister Felder say the deal is this: Raquel Welch is to be flounderin in the water an then she faints, an then I am to come up from under her an pick her up an carry her outta the water. But when she revives, she looks up at me an is scared an commences to scream, “Put me down! Help! Rape!” an all that shit.
But, Mister Felder say, I am not to put her down, cause some crooks is sposed to be chasin us; instead, I am to carry her off into the jungle.
Well, we tried the scene, an the first time we done it, I thought it come off pretty well, an it is really excitin to actually be holdin Raquel Welch in my arms, even tho she be hollerin, “Put me down! Help, police!” an so on.
But Mister Felder say that ain’t good enough, an for us to do it again. An that wadn’t good enough either, so we be doin that same scene bout ten or fifteen times. In between doin the scene, Raquel Welch is crabbin an bitchin an cussin at Mister Felder, but he just kep on sayin, “Beautiful, baby, beautiful!” an that sort of thing.
Mysef, I’m startin to have a real problem tho. On account of I been in the creature suit nearly five hours now, an they ain’t no zipper or nothin to pee thru, an I’m bout to bust. But I don’t wanta say nothin bout that, cause this is a real movie an everthin, an I don’t want to make nobody mad.
But I gotta do
