Forrest Gump

go in the water an start to pee. Raquel Welch be flounderin aroun an then she faints, an I dive under an grap her an haul her onto shore.

She wakes up an start to beatin on me an hollerin, “Help! Murder! Put me down!” an all, but then she suddenly stop hollerin an she say, “What is that smell?”

Mister Felder holler, “Cut!” an he stand up an say, “What was that you said, baby? That ain’t in the script.”

An Raquel Welch say, “Shit on the script! Somethin stinks aroun here!” Then she suddenly look at me an say, “Hey, you—whoever you are—did you take a leak?”

I was so embarrassed, I did not know what to do. I just stood there for a secont, holdin her in my arms, an then I shake my head an say, “Uh uh.”

It was the first lie I ever tole in my life.

“Well somebody sure did,” she say, “cause I know pee when I smell it! An it wadn’t me! So it has to be you! How dare you pee on me, you big oaf!” Then she start beatin on me with her fists an hollerin to “Put me down!” and “Get away from me!” an all, but I jus figgered the scene is startin up again an so I begun to carry her back into the jungle.

Mister Felder shout, “Action! ” The movie cameras begun to rollin once more, an Raquel Welch is beatin an clawin an yellin like she never done before. Mister Felder is back there hollerin, “That’s it, baby—terrific! Keep it up!” I coud see Mister Tribble back there too, settin in a chair, kinda shakin his head an tryin to look the other way.

Well, when I get back in the jungle a little ways, I stopped an turned aroun to see if that’s where Mister Felder is fixin to yell “Cut,” like he had before, but he was jumpin aroun like a wild man, motionin to keep on goin, an shoutin, “Perfect, baby! That’s what I want! Carry her off into the jungle!”

Raquel Welch is still scratchin an flailin at me an screamin, “Get away from me you vulgar animal!” an such as that, but I kep on goin like I’m tole.

All of a sudden she screech, “Oh my god! My dress!”

I ain’t noticed it till now, but when I look down, damn if her dress ain’t caught on some bush back there an done totally unravel itself, Raquel Welch is butt neckid in my arms!

I stopped an said, “Uh oh,” an started to turn aroun to carry her back, but she begin shriekin, “No, no! You idiot! I can’t go back there like this!”

I axed what she wanted me to do, an she say we gotta find someplace to hide till she gets things figgered out. So I keep on goin deeper into the jungle when all of a sudden out of noplace come a big object thru the trees, swingin towards us on a vine. The object swung past us once an I could tell it was a ape of some sort, an then it swung back again an dropped off the vine at our feet. I almost fainted dead away. It was ole Sue, hissef!

Raquel Welch begun to bawlin an hollerin again an Sue has grapped me aroun the legs an is huggin me. I don’t know how he recognized me in my creature suit, cept I guess he smelt me or somethin. Anyhow, Raquel Welch, she finally say, “Do you know this fucking baboon?”

“He ain’t no baboon,” I says, “he’s a orangutang. Name’s Sue.”

She look at me kinda funny an say, “Well if it’s a he, then how come its name is Sue?”

“That is a long story,” I say.

Anyhow, Raquel Welch is tryin to cover hersef up with her hans, but ole Sue, he knows what to do. He grapped holt of a couple of big leaves off one of them banana trees an han them up to her an she partly covered hersef up.

What I find out later is that we have gone across our jungle location onto another set where they is filmin a Tarzan movie, an Sue is being used as a extra. Not long after I got rescued from the pygmies in New Guinea, white hunters come along an captured ole Sue an shipped his ass to some animal trainer in Los Angeles. They been usin him in movies ever since.

Anyway, we ain’t got time to jack aroun now, on account of Raquel Welch is screechin an bitchin again, say, “You gotta take me someplace where I can get me some clothes!” Well, I don’t know where you can find no clothes in the jungle, even if it is a movie set, so we jus keep movin along, hopin somethin will happen.

It does. We suddenly come to a big fence, an I figger there probly be someplace on the other side of it to get her some clothes. Sue finds a loose board in the fence an lifts it up so’s we can get thru, but as soon as I step on the other side, ain’t nothin to step on, an me an Raquel go tumblin head over heels down the side of this hill. We finally rolled all the way to the bottom an when I look aroun, damn if we ain’t landed right on the side of a big ole road.

“Oh my God!” Raquel Welch yell. “We’re on the Santa Monica Freeway!”

I look up, an here come ole Sue, lopin down the hillside. He finally get down to us, an the three of us be standin there. Raquel Welch is movin the banana leaves up an down, tryin to cover hersef up.

“What we gonna do now?” I axed. Cars are wizzin by, an even tho we must of been a odd-lookin sight, ain’t nobody even payin us the slightest attention.

“You gotta take me someplace!” she hollers. “I got to get some clothes on!”

“Where?” I says.

“Anywhere!” she screams, an so we started off down the Santa Monica Freeway.

After a wile, up in the distance, we seen a big white sign up in some hills say “HOLLYWOOD,” an Raquel Welch say, “We got to get off this damn freeway and get to Rodeo Drive, where I can buy me some clothes.” She is keepin pretty busy tryin to cover hersef up—ever time a car come towards us, she put the banana leaves in front, an when a car come up from behin, she move em back there to cover her ass. In mixed traffic, it is quite a spectacular sight—look like one of them fan dancers or somethin.

So we got off the freeway an went across a big field. “Has that fuckin monkey got to keep followin us?” Raquel Welch say. “We look rediculous enough as it is!” I ain’t sayin nothin, but I look back, an ole Sue, he got a pained look on his face. He ain’t never met Raquel Welch before, neither, an I think his feelins is hurt.

Anyhow, we kep goin along an they still ain’t nobody payin us much mind. Finally we come to a big ole busy street an Raquel Welch say, “Goodgodamighty—this is Sunset Boulevard! How am I gonna explain goin across Sunset Boulevard butt neckid in broad daylight!” In this, I tend to see her point, an I am sort of glad I got on the creature suit so’s nobody will recognize me—even if I am with Raquel Welch.

We come to a traffic light an when it turn green, the three of us walked on across the street, Raquel Welch doin her fan dance to beat the band an smilin at people in cars an stuff like she was on stage. “I am totally humiliated!” she hisses at me under her breath. “I am violated! Just wait till we get outta this. I am gonna have your big ass, you goddamn idiot!”

Some of the people waitin in their cars at the traffic light commence to honkin they horns and wavin, on account of they must of recognized Raquel Welch, an when we get across the street, a few cars turn our way an start to followin after us. By the time we get to Wilshire Boulevard we have attracted quite a sizable crowd; people come out of they houses an stores an all to follow us—look like the Pied Piper or somethin—an Raquel Welch’s face is red as a beet.

“You’ll never work in this town again!” she say to me, flashin a smile to the crowd, but her teeth is clenched tight.

We gone on a bit further, an then she say, “Ah—finally—here is Rodeo Drive.” I look over at a corner an, sure enough, there is a woman’s clothing store. I tap her on the shoulder an point at it, but Raquel Welch say, “Uggh—that’s Popagallo. Nobody would be caught dead these days wearing a Popagallo dress.”

So we walked some more an then she say, “There—Giani’s—they got some nice things in there,” an so we go inside.

They is a sales feller at the door with a little moustache an a white suit with a handkerchief stickin out of the coat pocket, an he is eyein us pretty carefully as we come thru the door.

“May I help you, madam?” he axed.

“I want to buy a dress,” Raquel Welch say.

“What did you have in mind?” say the feller.

“Anything, you fool—can’t you see what’s going on!”