Things my girlfriend and I have argued about (online version)

just your type.' [She punches my arm again, hard.]

I simply attract this kind of girlfriend.

Who's the most insufferable, you or Margret?

Me. Obviously. Jeez – have you read the whole page and learnt nothing?

Are you happy?

Yes, thanks. Hugely happy. Both Margret and I are really quite sickeningly happy together and the kids are so well-adjusted it actually frightens me.

The fact of all this, our being happy, appears to really, really piss some people off.

Why did you stop updating the page?

It just felt like the right time to say, 'OK – enough.' I've only ever done it for my own, idle amusement but if you count up the whole of it – that's to say, not only what's on the page now, but also the stuff that's been removed to keep the size down (but is still available to the Mailing Listers, natch) – then it's well over 50,000 words. That's longer than some books. Not my books, no, but some books nonetheless. It's sufficient to sate my idle amusement anyway. What's more, I enjoy writing the Mailing List Mails, because the Mailing List filters out most of the dolts. It's fun writing for people who have the intelligence to get it, but it can be rather wearying when you know that what you're doing is completely lost on the idiot minds of most of the readers. Look at this email that came in a few days ago:

From: 'Lyndon' [email protected]

X-FID: FLAVOR00-NONE-0000-0000-000000000000

X-FVER: 3.0 X-CNT:

Subject: Web Page

One thing you definitely do not have is balls. What kind of man would put up with a bitch like that. What dumb ass would have children with her so he would be trapped. Are you that homely that this is all you could get. Do yourself a favour, Jerk off, sex is not worth living like that. And if you are worried about support, get her committed. I don't think that would be difficult.

Yours truly a real man.

Not because it's in any way special, it's not – it's simply the most recent email I have to hand as I type this. The writer – obviously – is not on the Mailing List. Are you saying that I should not concentrate on the wise and luscious Mailing Listers, but instead continue to update the page so that laughable dimwits like this have something against which to bluster in the hope of quelling their own homosexual angst? Pfff. I think not. So, we have a situation where I believe it's time to stop updating TMGAIHAA, twinned with anyone I'd remotely want anything to do with being on the Mailing List in any case – so they'll still get the odd TMGAIHAA- related thing, amid the general rambling. It's simply a plug whose time to be pulled has come.

Are you and Margret married?

No. The clue there would be in the 'girlfriend' bit. We've been together for, at time of writing, about fifteen years, however, and fully expect to be together until death. Longer if Margret dies first as she's made it known she intends to haunt me – appearing suddenly in front of my car while I'm out driving at high speed on wet roads, that kind of thing.

Why don't you and Margret get married?

What is it with you Americans and marriage? You seem to have some kind of confusion that makes a ritual inseparable from the thing it announces. I'm sorry to be the one to break this to you, but if you don't have a funeral, you're still dead, OK? No, we're never going to get married. And we've spent the money it would have cost us on a loft conversion.

Why don't you just kick the bitch out (that's what I'd have done, on day one)?

Wow! You're really impressive – and so masculine. I wish I were more like you. You're great. And not just an heroic figure to all men either, but a huge success with the ladies too, I have absolutely no doubt about that. You've slept with lots of women haven't you? Just loads. Yes you have. Thanks for your input; we all thought you were dead manly and irresistible to anyone with a uterus already, but your words just confirm it. Cheers.

As you clearly hate each other, why don't you just split up?