The Last Hero

He turned to the explorers and pointed a finger at Leonard.

‘Your penalty,’ said Blind Io, ‘is this: you will paint the ceiling of the Temple of Small Gods in Ankh-Morpork. All of it. The decoration is in a terrible state.’

‘But that's not fair,’ said Carrot. ‘He's not a young man, and it took the great Angelino Tweebsly twenty years to paint that ceiling!’

‘Then it will keep his mind occupied,’ said Fate. ‘And prevent him thinking the wrong sort of thoughts. That is the correct punishment for those who usurp the powers of the gods! We will find work for idle hands to do.’

‘Hmm,’ said Leonard. ‘A considerable amount of scaffolding…’

‘Vatht amounth,’ said Offler, with satisfaction.

‘And the nature of the painting?’ said Leonard. ‘I would like to paint…’

‘The entire world.’ said Fate. ‘Nothing less.’

‘Really? I was thinking of perhaps just a nice duck-egg blue with a few stars,’ said Blind Io.

‘The entire world,’ said Leonard, staring off into some private vision. ‘With elephants, and dragons, and the swirl of clouds, and mighty forests, and the currents of the sea, and birds, and the great yellow veldts, and the pattern of storms, and the crests of mountains?’

‘Er, yes,’ said Blind Io.

‘Without assistance,’ said Fate.

‘Even with the thcaffolding,’ said Offler.

‘This is monstrous,’ said Carrot.

Blind Io said: ‘And if it is not completed in twenty years—’

‘—ten years,’ said Fate.

‘—ten years, the city of Ankh-Morpork will be razed with heavenly fire!’

‘Hmm, yes, good idea,’ said Leonard, still staring at nothing. ‘Some of the birds will have to be quite small…’

‘He's in shock,’ said Rincewind.

Captain Carrot had gone quiet with anger, as the sky does just before a thunderstorm.

‘Tell me,’ said Blind Io. ‘Is there a god of policemen?’

‘No, sir,’ said Carrot. ‘Coppers would be far too suspicious of anyone calling themselves a god of policemen to believe in one.’

‘But you are a gods-fearing man?’

‘What I've seen of them certainly frightens the life out of me, sir. And my commander always says, when we go about our business in the city, that when you look at the state of mankind you are forced to accept the reality of the gods.’

The gods smiled their approval of this, which was indeed an accurate quotation. Gods have little use for irony.

‘Very good,’ said Blind Io. ‘And you have a request?’

‘Sir?’

‘Everyone wants something from the gods.’

‘No, sir. I offer you an opportunity.’

‘You will give something to us?’

‘Yes, sir. A wonderful opportunity to show justice and mercy. I ask you, sir, to grant me a boon.’

There was silence. Then Blind Io said, ‘Is that one of those… wooden objects, wasn't it?… with a handle, and… mmm… beads on one side, and a sort of… thing, with hooks on…’ He paused. ‘Did you mean one of those rubber things?’

‘No, sir. That would be a balloon, sir. A boon is a request.’

‘Is that all? Oh. Well?’

‘Allow the Kite to be repaired so that we can go home—’

‘Impossible!’ said Fate.

‘It sounds reasonable to me,’ said Blind Io, glaring at Fate. ‘It must be its last flight.’

‘It will be the last flight of the Kite, won't it?’ said Carrot to Leonard.

‘Hmm? What? Oh, yes. Oh, certainly. I can see I designed a lot of it wrong. The next one – mmph…’

‘What happened there?’ said Fate suspiciously.

‘Where?’ said Rincewind.

‘Where you clamped your hand over his mouth?’

‘Did I?’

‘You're still doing it!’

‘Nerves,’ said Rincewind, releasing his grip on Leonard. ‘I've been a bit shaken up.’

‘And do you want a boon too?’ said Leonard.

‘What? Oh. Er… I'd prefer a balloon, as a matter of fact. A blue balloon.’ Rincewind gave Carrot a defiant look. ‘It's all to do with when I was six, all right? There was this big unpleasant girl… and a pin. I don't want to talk about it.’ He looked up at the watching gods. ‘I don't know what everyone's staring at, I'm sure.’

‘Ook,’ said the Librarian.

‘Does your pet want a balloon as well?’ said Blind Io. ‘We do have a monkey god if he wants some mangoes and so on…’

In the sudden chill, Rincewind said. ‘In fact he said he wants three thousand file cards, a new stamp and five gallons of ink.’

‘Eek!’ said the Librarian, urgently.

‘Oh, all right. And a red balloon too, please, if they're free.’

The repairing of the Kite was simple enough. Although gods, on the whole, do not feel at home around mechanical things, every pantheon everywhere in the universe finds it necessary to have some minor deity – Vulcan, Wayland, Dennis, Hephaistos – who knows how bits fit together and that sort of thing.

Most large organisations, to their regret and expense, have to have someone like that.

Evil Harry surfaced from the snowdrift, and gasped for breath. Then he was plunged back down again by a firm hand.

‘So it's a deal, then, is it?’ said the minstrel, who was kneeling on his back and holding on to his hair.

Evil Harry rose again. ‘Deal!’ he roared, spitting snow.

‘And if you tell me later that I shouldn't have listened to you because everyone knows Dark Lords can't be trusted, I'll garotte you with a lyre string!’

‘You got no respect!’

‘Well? You are an evil treacherous Dark Lord, right?’ said the minstrel, pushing the spluttering head back into the snow.

‘Well, yeah, of course… obviously. But respect costs nothi nnnn n n nn'.’

‘You help me get down and I'll write you into the saga as the most wicked, iniquitous and depraved evil warlord there has even been, understand?’

The head came up again, wheezing.

‘All right, all right. But you gotta promise…’

‘And if you betray me, remember that I don't know the Code! I don't have to let Dark Lords get away!’

They descended in silence and, in Harry's case, mostly with his eyes shut.

Off to one side and a long way down, a foothill that was now a valley still fumed and bubbled.

‘We'd never even find the bodies,’ said the minstrel, as they sought for a path.

‘Ah, and that'd be 'cos they didn't die, see?’ said Harry. ‘They'd have come up with some plan at the last minute, you can bet on it.’

‘Harry—’