I un-redirect the phone and drag the rubbish bin so it rests on the printer's stacker – another job well done. The phone rings – this could be the big one!
'Hello?'
'Hi, Um, how do I spell-check my file?'
'Simple, just type `spell' and the filename'
'Thanks'
I'm so bloody nice this morning. Especially as I know that my version of spell INTRODUCES errors instead of detecting them. Things like changing friend to freind and vice-versa. What the hell.
The phone rings – it's them again.
'There's something wrong with spell'
'What makes you think that?'
'Because my file is all corrupt now!'
'That doesn't sound like spell to me. Are you logged into thru PC?'
'Yes, but I can..'
'Please, leave the technical diagnosis to me... Now, is there a plastic ruler somewhere on or in the desk?'
'Um >clunka<, yes...'
'Right. You've got a static buildup on your hard-drive caused by the changing electrostatic field generated by the ruler – the same thing that makes bits of paper stick to it when you rub it up and down your arm...'
DUMMY MODE ON
'Oh. What do I do?'
'You know how you get paper off a ruler by hitting it on a table lots of times? Well do that with your PC. Say 20 times – lift it about a foot off the desk & drop it.'
'Oh. OK'
>crash<
>crash<
>crash<
'Um, the screen went dark'
'That's ok, it's supposed to do that – keep going. And when you're finished, do the screen as well, that static may have gone up the wires to it.'
>crash<
>crash<
>crash<...
I hang up. I get up and go out to the public area to put honey in the floppy drives when a guy who looked like Lee Harvey Oswald runs up to me and shoots me, only the sound comes from the machine room, and I can hear the ex System-Managers chuckle...
Later, in the ambulance, I realise. I forgot to get the guys username...
Then everything goes dark.
The Bastard LIVES! :
BOfH #11
The darkness cleared as we got out of the tunnel and it occurred to me that I couldn't be all that injured. Then again, maybe I was. Someone was going to p..
I died.
Of course, a true BOFH considers this not really as dying, but more of going home for the holidays.
Five seconds later, I'm getting the upside of 15Kv across the nipples. (These ambulance guys sure know how to party).
Bastard Operator from Hell LIVES!
Three weeks later I'm back on my backside and feeling rested at relaxed behind the console again. The rest has done me good, I feel *great!*. I catch up on everyone's email then let the students know I'm back by performing an impromptu preventative maintenance in the middle of lab time by kicking the restart switch (They love it really)
I flip today's excuse card, 'GLOBAL WARMING' YES YES YES! What a welcome home!
It's the end of the month so all those automatic email reminder programs will be sending messages all over the place. I set the system clock back 7 days to buy some peace and quiet and swap the printer ribbon for the three year old one with holes in it.
I sort through my snail mail and crack open the BOFH Monthly Newsletter, 'kill -9' and check out the articles therein. There's a nice peice of making OS2 slow, boring and painful, but it looks exactly like the OS2 installation instructions to me... Ah, who knows. I head straight to the BOFH Wizard section to see if any of my articles were published. All of them!!! Even the one about the c compiler that randomly removes one line from the source code it's compiling!
The phone rings.
'The Screen on my PC is blank!!!'
'It's the power cord' I say
'No, I checked that. When I switch it on, it does nothing!'
'It's the power cord' I say
'No, I checked and it's all plugged in properly. There's no lights on the keyboard or anything'
'It's the power cord' I say
'Oh Hey! I just noticed, the cord's not plugged in properly!'
'The power cord?' I ask
'Yes... Woopsy'
'No worries at all' I say 'Is it all working well now?'
'Yes, I think so. I'm sorry, you WERE right all along'
'Yes, we're getting a lot of this, it's due to the current Global Warming problem. It causes random thermal expansion and contraction resulting in temperature induced movement of friction based holding mechanisms..'
I listen carefully. Nothing. In other words, <DUMMY MODE ON>...
'You can fix it permanently tho'' I say.
'Really? How?'
'Well it's all to do with lowering salt deposits on the metal contacts'
'Oh!' (Dummy mode irrevocably engaged)
'All you need to do is just take the power plug out deposit some dilute mineral salts on it. Do you have some dilute mineral salts on you?'
'Uh... no?'
'Ok, no worries, just stick it in your mouth drool into it. But make sure you wipe the plug first to get rid of any germs, and TURN THE SWITCH OFF ON THE MONITOR before you do – we don't want a nasty accident!
'Oh. Ok!'
>Fzzzt< >clunk!<
I hang up as the receiver hits the floor. Disk space is too good for them.
BOfH #12
