Stupid Wars : A Citizen's Guide to Botched Putsches, Failed Coups, Inane Invasions, and Ridiculous R

It has been said that Prussia is not a country with an army, but an army with a country. Settled by Teutonic knights way back in the thirteenth century, the country occupied most of today’s eastern part of Germany, Poland, and sections of the Baltic countries. Fol­lowing the unification of Germany in 1871, Prussia had a big coun­try of its own: Germany. The Prussian king became the German king, the Prussian army became the heart of the German army. But after World War II, the Germans who weren’t dead fled Prussia; it was officially dissolved, and the Soviets took a blowtorch to the homeland of the German nobility. The core of Prussia, the estate-rich east, was split up with a section absorbed into Poland and an­other chunk still an isolated outpost of Russia.

Kluge was yet another one of those halfhearted fence-sit­ting generals; earlier that afternoon he had received two in­teresting phone calls. First, Beck had found some down– time to phone Kluge and urge him to join the coup. A short time later, Keitel at Rastenburg rang to let him know that Hitler was alive and Kluge should obey orders from him and not the plotters. Kluge was stunned. Before hearing from Rastenburg, he had been planning to join the coup. But now, that meant violating his oath to Hitler and worse yet, facing his wrath if the coup failed. He was torn — the fate of the war and the lives of millions waited for his decision. Finally he made his choice: he would wait and see what happened to Hitler. Then he would throw his support behind the winning side. When he sat down for dinner with Stülpnagel, Kluge made up his mind and betrayed his caste. He denied any knowledge of the assassination plots, even though he had held discussions about them for years. A stunned Stülpnagel did nothing other than stutter a few syllables. He knew he was a dead man if the coup failed because he had a jail full of angry SS officers being prepped for the firing squad. But once again, the plotmates did nothing when confronted with disaster. Stülpnagel took the bad news in stride, finished dinner, and returned to Paris to release his SS prisoners.

Like the other plotmates, Stülpnagel lived in the old world of honor and oaths. Unknown to the plotters, however, that world had long passed them by. It was a nineteenth-century world, and they were fighting Adolf Hitler, the archetype of the twentieth-century dictator. In their country’s and the world’s darkest hour, these men of outmoded ideals could not muster the courage and will to abandon them. It was a loss the whole world suffered.

WHAT HAPPENED AFTER

Hitler scoured the continent to wipe out any distant relative of Stauffenberg. Thousands were killed, even those con­nected by the slimmest of threads. The resistance to Hitler from inside the German high command died.

The street outside the Bendlerblock where he was executed in Berlin now bears Stauffenberg’s name.

The noble-born generals of the Prussian cabal, who had elevated their survival above all other concerns, while ac­commodating Hitler’s evil, were now paying the ultimate price. For years after the failed putsch of 1923, they could have had their way with Hitler. But they realized only he could give them what they wanted: control of Europe. They put the awesome might of their resuscitated armies under his control and on a cataclysmic collision with the rest of the world. It was too late when many realized they could not control him. Even with the terrible end in sight, and with the knowledge of the horrible crimes committed in their name, the generals couldn’t summon the courage to sacrifice them­selves to kill Hitler. Ultimately both were destroyed by their enemies who learned Hitler’s lessons better than the generals, that they were in a fight until death or bitter victory.

TWELVE. THE BAY OF PIGS INVASION: 1961

Invading a country is a big deal. It usually makes the news. John F. Kennedy, the youngest president ever elected, seemed to be very mature for his age. Perhaps it was his World War II experience combined with his movie-star aura and privileged upbringing that led him to imagine he could cloak an invasion in total secrecy. But when the invaded country is well known as the rabid enemy of a world super­power like the United States, it’s hard to hide the looming colossus shooting from behind the sand dunes. Even a pla­toon of CIA flacks disguised as press aides proclaiming full deniability can’t spin away an invasion. But Kennedy tried.

To many Americans, Cuba seemed a natural extension of Florida. Only a mistake of geography prevented the United States from exercising its natural domination over the island. Ever since Teddy Roosevelt charged up San Juan Hill during the Spanish American War, Americans treated Cuba like their little brother. Of course, that’s if you don’t like, treat well, or respect your kid brother. But then one day the little kid got pissed off and dressed up in army fatigues, lit a cigar, and fought back. In 1959 Fidel Castro took over Cuba, kicked out the American business interests, and declared himself in charge.

Immediately the United States began looking to take out Castro. In 1960, under President Eisenhower, it turned to its master spies, the CIA. While not strictly in the job descrip­tion, the CIA was willing to overthrow foreign governments if requested by the government. The upstanding Yale men, Skull and Bones types, who had controlled the agency since its founding as the OSS in World War II, were still dining out in their Brooks Brothers suits on the stories of overthrowing the leader of Guatemala in 1954 with a slingshot and two broken walkie-talkies. They figured if it worked there, it could work in Cuba. Both countries are filled with Spanish-speaking people and have nice beaches, so what could go wrong?

When Vice President Richard Nixon grabbed the reins from a disinterested Eisenhower, the CIA rounded up the old Guatemala gang and set them loose on the problem of “saving” the little hermano to the south from their new leader. With Richard Bissell, the patently brilliant head of covert operations running the show against Castro, the CIA just knew his days were numbered. They tweaked and jim­mied up various plans, each one more foolproof than the last, finally settling on the perfect plan of a tidy little inva­sion of just a few hundred lightly armed, disgruntled former citizens.

Kennedy, who inherited the plan along with Bissell and his gang of bureaucratic revolutionaries, agreed to do it if they could pull it off without anyone guessing that the giant, superpower, archenemy ninety miles to the north was in­volved.

THE PLAYERS

John F. Kennedy — Young, exceedingly lucky and charismatic, the new president was ready to push the United States into a New Fron­tier of, well, everything. But beyond the hype he was an inexperi­ enced, untested president who won a very close election and needed to prove he had the mettle to stand up to the Russkies and more important, the Russki-haters.

Skinny — Probably won the election because he had a closer shave than Nixon.

Props — Marilyn Monroe was a key member of the bedroom cabi­net.

Pros — After the invasion tanked he sheepishly admitted his mistake by saying “How could I have been so stupid to let them go ahead?”

Cons — This epiphany came a week too late.

Fidel Castro — young, exceedingly lucky and charismatic, the new dictator was ready to join forces with the Soviet Union in the world­wide struggle against the shopping mall. Before taking command with his merry band of a dozen comrades, he convinced the world he was a major threat to Cuban dictator Batista. When Batista sud­denly fled the country, Castro found himself in charge.