Untangle Me

Me: What?

Kayden: I can’t be without you anymore. I won’t do it anymore.

I wanted him with me, hating the distance between us, but not under these circumstances. I wanted to be a choice not a backup plan.

Me: What? You’re acting weird, are you drunk already?

I waited a few minutes, but a reply never came.

Me: Figured you’d pass out again. Today better be different, Kayden.

Hours passed and my anger only grew. I wouldn’t allow myself or anyone in my life to be ruled by alcohol. Kayden needed to choose or I would make the choice for him. I sent a couple of angry texts while he was missing in an alcohol induced sleep.

Kayden: That’s enough.

Me: Of? I can’t believe we are having this conversation online since you are too fucked up to call and speak to me.

Kayden: I know. Are we still together? Please don’t leave me Sophia.

Me: Barely, Kayden.

Kayden: Forever.

I can’t go on like this, I wanted my Kayden back. I’d fight for him… I’d save him.

Me: You better get your motherfucking shit together and fucking fast!

Kayden: I’m going to lean on you Sophia. I need your light to pull me out of the darkness.

Me: I want you to lean on me, confide in me, but you’ve leaned on Jack for weeks. I’m afraid I’d be just another crutch. I remember something you said to me once—we all fall sometimes in life Sophia, it’s more important how we recover.

Kayden: I don’t know how to recover. I’m used to leaning on the bottle… it’s been my only friend at times.

My limit reached, I lashed out at him.

Me: I can’t do this anymore, Kayden. You aren’t thinking of what this is doing to me… When you get yourself straight, come back to me.

Kayden: You’re breaking up with me?

Me: If it gets you clean, then yes.

Kayden: Fuck off then.

There it was. I was harsh with my words, but I didn’t know what else to say to him. I had tried to be the understanding and loving girlfriend. I tried to be supportive and help keep his spirits hopeful. None of it worked. Maybe he needed to get pissed off at me, scared a bit. He needed to fight for something, anything… for me.

Me: Really? You don’t choose me, guess that’s that. I’ll fuck off Kayden. Thanks for showing me what love could be, should be.... even if only for a moment. Hope you find peace and happiness someday, just make sure it’s not with Lisa.

Kayden: WTF with Lisa?

I knew the Lisa comment would catch his attention.

Me: Whoever you are with in the future… Make sure it’s not her. She made you miserable for too long.

Kayden: I’m completely happy with you Sophia, I’m just not happy with me.

I’d do anything for this man. I needed him to understand that, to feel it.

Me: It’s no excuse… You’re making sure to push me the fuck away, aren’t you?

Kayden: You’re really breaking up with me?

My words were hollow, but I hope it caused his heart to stop for a moment. I couldn’t imagine my life without Kayden, his passion and love. Didn’t he just tell me to fuck off? Having a conversation with a drunk was so futile. They spoke without thinking and then had amnesia within a few minutes. Why did I even bother?

Me: You told me to fuck off.

Kayden: I did, and I’m sorry. Can we start the day over? I love you Sophia. I’ll do better, try harder.

Me: Call me when you wake and can talk to me Kayden. I need to hear your voice today.

I placed my phone next to my pillow, wishing for sleep to take me. My eyes flew open with a chirp that I couldn’t ignore. Kayden had sent me a song, my heart thumped as I hit play. ‘The Reason’ by Hoobastank filled the air. I listened carefully to the words, they wrapped around me, stealing my breath.

Homecoming

I needed to go shopping for a dress; tomorrow Suzy and I were going to the Homecoming Dance. He always helped me pick out something perfect to wear. I didn’t want my dress to be too sexy, but I didn’t want to look like a child either. I went to the usual department stores to begin with and he helped me find one, but it was more money than I wanted to spend. My only options left were little thrift stores scattered throughout my small town.

Kayden: Do NOT go to a thrift shop.

Me: Why not? They have a huge selection and cheap prices.

Kayden: You shouldn’t be shopping at a place like that.

Kayden wouldn’t tell me why, he just kept saying to find another store. He disappeared shortly after I walked through the doors of Goodwill. I found a cute black dress for around five dollars, a total steal. I went home, crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep. I felt lost and alone, more than I had ever before. I had a connection so deep and passionate with Kayden unlike anyone before, but it was dangling by a thread poised to break. I needed to grab it, before it was lost forever.

Kayden: Morning baby doll.

Me: Morning.

I’d been up for hours, unable to sleep. Sleep never came easy for me, unless I was wrapped in Kayden’s arms.

Kayden: I’m sorry I fell asleep last night so early.

Me: You didn’t fall asleep Kayden, you passed out. There’s a difference.

Kayden: I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you. You’re the best part of my life, I choose you. My life feels like it’s spinning out of control and I can’t get it under control.

Should I give up? Has this all been futile? Kayden is worth fighting for. I wouldn’t let him spiral into the abyss.

Me: Well it’s about to go off a cliff without a guardrail to stop it.

Kayden: What?

I barely knew what I was talking about at this point. He had me in knots, barely forming coherent sentences.

Me: Nothing. No more fucking drinking all day until you pass out. It isn’t helping you or us.

Kayden: I know. I’ll do better. Don’t give up on me Sophia, please. I won’t drink anymore, just don’t give up on me.

Me: I’m fighting for us, Kayden. You’re the master of your future—our future. Don’t fuck it up.

I couldn’t be clearer. I wouldn’t give up on him just yet. I wanted the playful man I fell for, the one that swept me off my feet with his sexy smirk and passion laced words. Kayden stayed in contact with me throughout