palms. I sensed movement from the bed.
Looking up I saw Sophia blinking, trying to clear her eyes. She stared at me, but didn’t say a word. I couldn’t hold my tongue any longer. I needed to know and needed to move on, I needed us.
“What the fuck were you thinking?” I said, my voice seething in anger.
“I could ask you the same thing,” she spat back.
“I find you in a bar, drunk, kissing a stranger and his hands are all over you! You weren’t struggling to get away, but seemed to be enjoying yourself.”
“Am I supposed to feel sorry for you, Kayden? I fucking don’t. I walked in yesterday to find you not alone. So don’t give me some bullshit about kissing a stranger,” she said sitting up straighter.
“Nothing happened with her and me. I was already passed out when she got here, and she crawled in my bed on her own. I never even woke up until after you left and the guys woke me up. They called her to come over, not me, thinking I needed someone to talk to. She’s a friend and only a friend, I did nothing wrong, Sophia. I didn’t touch her, let alone place my lips on hers,” I said, sadness filling me with the image of Sophia kissing another man.
“I don’t believe you! I saw your tangled bodies, naked in this very bed.”
“I told you already, I was passed out and never even knew she was here. Does she want me? Yes. Do I want her? Fuck no,” I yelled. “Nothing happened between us, but I clearly saw your lips on another man. You ripped my heart out. I never thought you would do that, Sophia.”
A knock sounded at the door, but we kept our eyes locked on each other.
“What?” I yelled.
“Can I come in?” John asked.
“What the fuck?” she said throwing her hands in the air.
The door opened slowly and he entered the room looking around and gulping loudly.
“Sophia, I need to explain,” John spoke to her as approaching the bed.
“Save it, John. I know what I saw,” she said to him, keeping her eyes pointed at me.
“I know what you think you saw, but it’s not what happened. Kayden never woke up. He has been passed out most of the week. The only time he was up was to find his next drink. I called her to talk to him. We all work together and they’ve been friends for years. I thought she could get through to him... I didn’t know what she would end up falling asleep in his bed.” John stated.
“You really think I’m going to believe that?”
“It’s the truth. I was trying to get him on track, for you, Sophia. I never thought she’d take advantage of the situation. When I arrived home from work Kayden was already passed out cold. She showed up and went in his room. He didn’t do anything with her. He loves you, and wouldn’t cheat on you,” He pleaded with Sophia.
“Thanks for telling me, John. Kayden and I need to discuss last night, if you don’t mind,” she said.
“I am being honest with you—He needs you, Sophia,” John said as he stood up and moved towards the door.
I remained silent while John spoke. My eyes never leaving hers, conveying hurt and anguish. She dropped her head into her hands and began to cry.
I said nothing and didn’t move to comfort her. We both did wrong, but I needed her to speak to me first.
“I was mad at you for drinking so much, and pushing me away. I hate myself for running away and into the arms of another man, but you need to know what last night did to me,” she looked up at me, into me, through me. “You’ve been absent and drinking. I just thought that you’ve been drinking and fucking your way through your days and nights. I’m such a whore for kissing that man in the bar”
“Sophia, I can’t believe you’d think that of me. I’d never. I’m sorry I allowed the alcohol to consume me, become my lifeline.”
“I’m sorry, Kayden. I don’t know what else to say.” she cried into her palms.
“Sophia,” I said, moving towards her. I sat on the bed and pulled her hands away from her face. “You thought I fucked the girl in my bed, and you were upset. I’ve been acting like a total asshole.”
“You had me out of my mind. I was so worried about you, and then when I get here I find you in bed with someone else. It was an image I just couldn’t get out of my brain.”
I wiped the tears away from her face. “I will always be faithful to you. I’m yours and you’re mine. No matter what you think you saw, I’m not a cheater. I’m a one-woman man. I will not share you either.”
“I wasn’t thinking clearly last night after having so many drinks. I’m sorry.”
“I know what that’s like, trust me,” I said with a smile. “We’ve hurt each other, Sophia. I hurt you with my drinking and not being there, and you hurt me by allowing someone else to kiss you. If it wasn’t for my behavior, you wouldn’t have allowed another man to touch you.”
“Never, I should have stayed and fought with you, for you.”
“You should have hit me or yelled… anything other than running away and into the arms of another man.”
“I’ll never do that again. I have never loved another soul deeper and harder than I love you,” she said to me.
“I love you, too, Sophia,” I said kissing her lips. I undressed and crawled under the covers with her. I needed to feel her skin against mine.
I’ve never been so utterly in love with a person. I wanted her, and more importantly, I needed her. I felt that the bottle was my only friend, holding my hand, helping me through this journey. It’s easy to fall back on bad habits that have been there to console in the past. Alone in this apartment—booze became my only friend and solace. I shut Sophia out and almost paid the ultimate price.
I could almost touch the strain between us; our actions had caused a crack that needed to be mended.
I kissed her with all the emotion and love that I felt in my heart. I needed to be inside her, remind her of my love. I made love to Sophia, face to face. I looked into her big brown eyes and never looked away. I needed the connection with her. She’s mine and I’m hers.
We spent most of Saturday inside holding each other and made love once.
“Please promise me you won’t drink like that again, Kayden?” She asked in a pleading voice.
“I’m sorry,” I responded. I didn’t know if I could hold true to a promise like that, all I could do was apologize.
“You scared me… I’ve missed you the past week. I don’t think I could do that again,” she said sternly.
“I used to have a drinking problem and sought help after my arrest,” I stated.
“I had no idea,” she said sadly.
“That’s because I never mentioned it. I don’t usually say, “Hey, I’m Kayden, and I’m an alcoholic.” I had it under control. I don’t usually drink so much... I’m just so depressed about not working. My life is falling apart,” I replied with sorrow in my voice. Sophia was my one bright spot, but I couldn’t focus on her, the darkness outweighing the light.
“Please try not to drink… for me. Be constructive. You’ve spent days drunk and passed out. You should have been using that time to fight. Promise me, Kayden. Your life isn’t falling apart. I’m still here. Don’t forget about me,” she said harshly.
I wouldn’t say that he currently had anything under control. Control is a word that addicts use when they still abuse their drug of choice. The addiction usually controlled the person, not the other way around. I would say the last week of his addiction, namely vodka, had controlled him.
“I’m sorry, and I promise to do better. I never want to upset you,” he said, staring into my eyes before kissing me on the cheek.
I understood that he felt sad and that he loved his job, but instead of drinking himself into oblivion, he should’ve been making phone calls and figuring out his next step. If there was no hope, like he assumed, then he needed to decide what to do next.
Exhaustion painted his face. The weight of the world was on his shoulders, but I wanted him to know that he wasn’t alone. I would be there for him and help him in any way I could. The weekend passed quickly and I needed to go home to return to work.
I had been so scared and helpless while I was away from him. If he was drunk and passed out, he would not be able to make decisions about his future or look for alternate employment. I wanted him in my life, but I did not
