Untangle Me

I wanted to throw my phone or slap him in the face. The anger inside me hadn’t subsided from last night.

Me: Ok. I’ll be around.

Kayden: I love you.

I knew he loved me, but I didn’t feel important anymore. He always made me feel like I was the center of his universe, a vital part of his day, but that feeling had vanished.

Me: Love you too.

I dressed, grabbing my coffee and headed for the door. I wanted to keep myself busy today. It was a Saturday and I hoped that Kayden and I would spend much of the day Skyping. He never had a day off when we’re apart and I wanted to take advantage of every minute available. I wanted to get my errands done quickly to free up my afternoon for him.

My phone rang a couple hours later on the way to my last stop. Kayden’s name appeared on my screen and my heart thumped in my chest like it always did when seeing his name. He hadn’t forgotten about me.

“Heyyyy,” he said.

“Hi. Whatcha been doing?” I asked.

“Listening to this fucking song,” he slurred.

Fuck, was he drunk? My heart sank.

“Have you been drinking already?”

“A bit, but I can’t stop listening to this song. It’s so fucking mean, Sophia.”

“Jesus, really? How much have you had already?”

“Enough.” I heard ‘Never There’ in the background.

“Fucking amazing. I can’t believe you are drinking this early, Kayden.” I closed my eyes, a sense of doom filled me. “Call me back when you get sober.” I clicked off the phone.

It’s morning, but he had already drank enough for it to affect him. Is this how he handled a crisis? What more didn’t I know about Kayden—drinking alone and drinking heavily? He disappeared again, I assumed he passed out. I finished my errands and returned home.

Throughout the day sporadic text messages popped up on my phone from Kayden, none of them making sense. He never stuck around long enough to hold a conversation, although I doubt he had the ability to form a coherent thought.

“Hey.” Suzy knocked on my bedroom door.

“Come in, Suzy.”

“Let’s go. Get ready; the girls will be here in an hour. We’re all going out.” Suzy stated firmly.

“I don’t feel like it, Suzy.” I shook my head.

“You’re not sitting here all night waiting for him. Up, come on.” She pulled my arm to get me moving.

I thought about it for a moment. I didn’t want to sit home and worry about him; he didn’t seem to worry about me. Suzy was right, I needed to get out and enjoy some time with my girls.

“Okay. I’ll get ready,” I said, climbing off my bed to riffle through my closet.

Kayden had a bottle of booze to keep him company; I have my girlfriends to fill the void cause by his total absence. I’ll be damned if I stay home sitting by the phone waiting for his call.

The pattern continued for days, as we fought. When I would convince him to talk on the phone his speech was slurred and his words confusing. He rarely made sense, and I missed the man I had known before—the one that would make me shriek like a schoolgirl, the one that would talk to me until I fell asleep, and looked at me like I was the only girl in the world. Now I could barely hold a conversation with him. He denied his drunken stupor with stories about why he would disappear. I knew now what happened.

After a week of him drinking and disappearing, I scheduled an immediate impromptu flight to New Orleans on Friday after work. I needed to be with him, and he needed to be with me. I had always told myself I would never get involved with anyone that was an addict. I’d always steered clear of drugs during my life, but alcohol was everywhere. Could he control himself, or was he an alcoholic? I wanted to think that if he was, I had the ability to save him. I wanted to be the good in his life that made him want to change. I needed to talk with him and find out exactly what was happening. I loved Kayden, and I was in too deep to turn my back on him.

When the plane touched down, I found a cab driver willing to take me to his apartment. I was so nervous and hadn’t talked to Kayden since yesterday. I stared out the window and rubbed my sweaty palms together. Was I crazy to show up unannounced? I had to know he was ok. I had to see it for myself. I texted Kayden a few times during the drive, but received no response. The taxi pulled into the parking lot where it all began. Our first kiss and all the happiness and joy that I felt we would have together.

I walked to the door hoping someone would be home to let me in. I knocked on the door, and heard voices in murmured tones and laughing. I waited a moment before knocking again. It opened slowly and one of his roommates stood behind it.

“Oh… hey Sophia. What are you doing here?” Tom said as he began to close the door a little bit so I couldn’t see the entire living room.

“I need to see Kayden,” I started to push against the door.

“He’s not here,” he said as he began to push back.

“I know he is, jerk, just move out of my way,” I said as I pushed the door open. His truck’s in the parking lot, I just had to get to him.

His roommate moved away after I pushed him into the wall behind the door. I walked through the apartment with all the men looking at me strangely. They all said hey to me, but were on edge. I felt their eyes on my back as I reached the door, but none of them tried to stop me. I thought about knocking, but wanted to surprise him. I slowly turned the handle to make it as quiet as possible. I walked through the doorway and stopped dead in my tracks.

What the fuck? Kayden was lying in bed, but he wasn’t alone… there’s a girl in the bed with him. Neither of them woke, and the guys were whisper quiet expecting to hear yelling.

I stood there for a moment and just stared. I recognized her from his postings on Facebook, but he said they were only friends. She must have been one of his girls before I became his only girl.

I couldn’t see his face, his back to me. His shaved head and tattoos decorating his back were a dead giveaway. Her body smashed against his with her arm draped over his body. I could see she had a tiny tank top, but their lower bodies were covered by blankets except for their bare feet, tangled together.

I didn’t make a sound… stunned and heartbroken. The sight in front of me squeezed my heart, crushing it. I had worried about him, flying to be by his side, but he found solace in the arms of another. I walked backwards and closed the door to rid my eyes of the vision of Kayden and her.

The guys tried to stop me and explain, but what could they say? I didn’t want to hear it. I walked out and not looking back. Tears began to fall as I let myself feel the pain of his betrayal.

Keep walking, just keep walking. My mind was a jumble of emotions and numbness. I walked to the main street and hailed a cab.

“Where to?” the cab driver asked.

I fought through the tears to steady my voice, “Bourbon Street, please.”

“You ok, lady?”

“I will be,” I responded. I didn’t know where else to go. I needed a drink and wanted to forget that horrible image that was burned in my eyes.

I had enough time on the drive to try and regain my composure, fix my makeup, and gather my thoughts.

“Can you drop me at the Funky Pirate, please?” I requested.

The streets were filled with people stumbling and celebrating, the nightly party thrived. I needed the excitement and liquor to make me forget. I climbed out of the cab and grabbing my small overnight bag. I didn’t bring much with me, thinking Kayden and I would spend the weekend in bed.

What a fool. I found an empty seat at the bar; the space was filled with happiness. A blues band played and people were singing along, enjoying the funky music filling the air.

“A shot of vodka, please, and a chocolate martini,” I said to the female bartender. She placed the martini in front of me moments later. I stared at it for a moment before taking a large gulp. I swallowed it, slamming the