“You just picked up a flyer and now you’re going to Peru?” I ask, aware that my voice sounds harsh. “It’s a good thing you didn’t see an ad for basket weaving in the swamps of—well, wherever the heck they have swamps.”
I sound ridiculous and lame. I don’t care.
“You make it sound so rash,” she says.
“Isn’t it?” I say. “People don’t just pick up and go to Peru. They don’t do that.”
“Yes, they do,” she says. “People get crippled and learn to walk again. They live with holes in their brain. They go through their life being treated like a bird with a broken wing. Then their house gets torn to shreds and they find a flyer and they go to Peru.”
“What does Chris say about this?” I ask, deflecting, but I can’t help it.
“He thinks I’m crazy. I think he’s just scared for me.”
“I think he doesn’t want to lose you.”
“I’m not going to be lost,” she says. “To any of you.”
“Does Ray know about this?”
She ignores the question. “The job doesn’t pay anything,” she says. “Just, you know, food and a place to stay, art supplies and such. What do you think?”
“I think it’s crazy,” I say, all my other emotions falling away until my voice is small with fear.
“Jump, and the net will appear, Nina.”
Lola thinks that I am the one who shores her up, who gives her a pattern of flight. I see now that I’m the one clutching tight, her feathers held firm in my fingers.
“What will I do without you?” I say.
“You’ll live,” she says. “How well, though, is totally up to you.”
“What about Chris?”
“I don’t know. I hope he’ll be here when I get back. This ice cream is making me thirsty.”
She gets up from the table and goes back into the condo. She’s in there about three minutes when she shouts in surprise. “Ray’s on TV!”
My heart sinks. My legs are jelly, and I can hardly get them moving toward the living room and the television set and the confirmation that Nicole pressed charges after all and Ray is going back to prison. I expect to see an old mug shot of Ray while someone talks to Nicole’s neighbor about how she’s always been too nice for her own good.
Lola is pointing at the television with her mouth agape. She jabs her finger at the set as I approach. The newscaster is standing in front of the local public park downtown.
“A crowd has formed around this man and his demonstration of apology,” the newswoman says in her news voice. “It’s a grand gesture that I, for one, hope does not go unnoticed.”
The camera pans over, and there’s Ray.
“There he is,” Lola says, jabbing her finger at the set. “There he is.”
His name pops up at the bottom of the screen—“Ray”—in quotes as if they’re not sure he is who he says he is. He’s wearing a sandwich board on which he has painted an apology to Nicole. Stupid Man Seeks Forgiveness from Wonderful Mother of His Child. Ray turns around, and the camera focuses on the back of the sign: Nicole and Michael—I may never be able to do things the “normal” way, but I love you and I need you in my life. Please forgive me.
“So, tell us, Ray,” the newswoman says. “What’s this all about?” She holds out the mic to him.
Lola sucks in a breath and reaches out to me. She doesn’t know about any of this.
“It’s ok,” I whisper to Lola, my heart racing.
Ray looks nervous but determined.
“Well, Kate,” he says to the newswoman. “I’m a stupid man who did a stupid thing—many stupid things, actually—and I’m sorry. I’m desperate and sorry.”
“Is this the act of a desperate man?” Kate seems to ask of no one in particular. “We’ll see.”
I wonder, all of a sudden, if Ray has some stunt planned. Perhaps he’s going to fling off the sandwich board and scale the side of a building.
My brother is on the news! Panic!
What channel?
That crazy Ray!
Sorry about your dad, by the way.
“I just want her to see me,” Ray says. “I’m making a promise in front of everyone in the city and everyone watching from your living rooms—I will be a decent man.”
Ray takes the mic from Kate, and she looks nervous.
“I’m sorry, Nicole,” he says, and the camera zooms in on his face. “I’m always going to be stupid ol’ Ray. But I mean well. I’m not a bad guy. I used to think I was. But I’m hoping I’m not. And I promise to be a good man and a good father.”
Kate reaches out for the mic, but Ray steps away from her.
“I’m going to walk the city wearing this board and telling people how sorry I am and how wonderful you are until I tell everyone,” he says. “Until you forgive me.”
“That’s quite an undertaking,” Kate says. “How long do you think this will take?” She reaches out again for the microphone, but Ray won’t give it up.
“I don’t care,” he says. “I’m starting now.”
He takes off with the mic, and the cameraman follows after him. People on the streets start applauding. Ray starts shaking hands with people.
“Hi,” he says to a guy passing by. “I’m Ray, and I’m hoping to win my family back. I’m not drunk. This is me, totally sober.”
He holds the mic over to the gentleman.
“Good luck to you, man,” the guy says into the mic and smiles at the camera.
“Let’s go,” Ray says, looking into the camera and motioning us all forward with him.
“What are you doing, Jim?” Kate says off camera.
“This dude’s a riot,” Jim’s voice replies.
There’s about ten more seconds of Ray heading into the crowd and then it cuts back to the newsroom where the evening news crew is laughing.
“Did you know about this?” Lola looks at me, knowing already that I knew. “Ray has
