Honor’s hammock jiggles wildly before her small feet pop out, and she sits up gasping for breath.
Shit. Sometimes this happens; people feel claustrophobic.
I rush over to her and curl my hands around her cheeks, tipping her chin up with my thumbs. Her eyes are wild and untamed, searching for an exit. “Breathe, Dove, in with me.” I inhale long and slow. Her fingers wrap around my neck, and I place my forehead to hers. “Out slowly.” Her fingers dig into my shoulders as she shudders out her breath. “In again…” For long moments, we breathe together until her body calms and the shivers wracking her frame abate. “You better?” I whisper, close enough she should be able to feel my breath against her lips.
“Yeah, I don’t know what happened. I just…”
“It’s okay. You probably felt a bit claustrophobic. We can work on that in future classes. We’ll start by keeping your head out of the cocoon, and work toward full coverage.”
She nods and licks her lips, letting me go. When her hands fall away, I force myself to take a step back. I hate it. Instantly, everything inside me calls to protect her. Wrap her up in my arms and never let her go.
Instead of going with my instinct, I go back to the front of the class and call out the commands to bring everyone back from their relaxation. When I’ve turned off the music and turned around to talk to my dove, she’s gone.
Chapter Five
Those motivated by the throat chakra tend to focus more attention on using their five senses. It’s important that they are able to touch, hear, see, know, and speak their intentions effectively.
HONOR
“Go to your safe spot. Breathe into it. Remember that here you are protected, you are perfect, and you are loved.”
Nick’s words roll around and around in my head as I toss and turn in bed.
You are protected.
I haven’t been protected a day in my life. Not from my mother’s wrath or my father’s endless—and unmet—expectations. To both of them, I’m just the pathetic daughter they were stuck with. Hannon had been their pride and joy, until they found out he was gay and living with his boyfriend, Sean. Then they destroyed his life by threatening to ruin Sean’s.
You are perfect.
Far from it, Nick. I groan and turn over onto my side, looking out the window. The moon is high and shining into my room, casting gray streaks of light onto my bed. I sit up and shove off the covers. My skin reacts with gooseflesh at the sudden chill, but I don’t mind the cold. At least I can feel it. Tonight, I can feel everything—the sadness and grief, which swallows me whole, threatening to drown me. It anchors my heart with concrete cinderblocks while I attempt and fail at wading through this thing called life.
With heavy footsteps, I go to my special spot. Just like Nick suggested. Mine isn’t all that special and comforting, but the window seat in my childhood room still beckons. Countless nights I’ve spent sitting here, knees to my chest, staring out at the world, imagining all I could be. Useless dreams of a child. Where would I go to school? Who would I marry? What friends would I make outside of these walls? When would I leave this life behind?
Twenty-six years old, and I’m still sitting in my window seat, wishing for a life I don’t deserve. One I don’t even know how to fight to have. Because my mother is right. I’m nothing. I’m certainly not perfect as Nick suggested we all are in class tonight.
Nick.
The unusually tall Italian yogi had every nerve in my body flaring white hot. I’ve never had such a visceral reaction to a man. Sure, I’ve been hit on, dated a few boys in college—one I even gave my virginity to—but nothing serious. Once a man finds out what kind of family I have, the fact that no one is good enough for a Carmichael, they leave. Unless, of course, he’s part of the mighty one percent or the good ole boys club, where my father sits at the top of the heap. If a man is not one of them, he might as well move on. And they all do. Every last one of them has.
It’s been years since I’ve had a man in my life in any capacity. My last year in college, I put pedal to the metal and blew my studies out of the water. I was Valedictorian, with the highest GPA in the class, and still my parents didn’t flinch. Nothing made them proud. Maybe, if I become the prima donna charitable guru and socialite party planner like my mother, they might even hug me.
Do I want to be touched by them? Not anymore. I’ve long since lost any desire to make my mother and father happy. Only, somehow by not caring what they thought, I stopped caring about me and my goals and dreams. Now I don’t have any.
You are loved.
Remembering the last line Nick said before I lost my cool in class tonight makes me cringe. I can just barely see the ugly scowl on my face through the reflection in the window. It’s as unpleasant as my thoughts right now.
Loved is what I was when Hannon was alive. There’s no one to love me now. No one who cares if I exist at all. I could take my life, and all that would happen is my mother would hold another charity event in my honor. Squawk to all her friends how, as twins, we couldn’t be without one another and that I’d never been the same since Hannon passed. That part is
