“And what, Kaitlyn? Jesus Christ. Why didn’t you tell me this in the beginning?”
“Because I’m not proud of what I did, and you already thought badly enough of me.”
“What did you do?”
“I disappeared. She was getting aggressive about us meeting, wanting me to take a DNA test, all kinds of crazy things. So I cut her off. I changed my e-mail address and didn’t tell her. I think I’m the reason she ended up in that mental institution. I think she tried to kill herself after I rejected her.”
“But if she was convinced you were her mother, and you’re not, then you were probably right to do that.”
“I wanted to help her. But I had my own issues to deal with and the baby, and she was a lot of work. Very needy. I could’ve tried to get her help. I shouldn’t have disappeared on her. But that’s my MO, isn’t it? The disappearing mother. Franny was just the test run.”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I don’t think you can blame yourself for this one.”
“I’m the reason Franny’s here, doing this. If I’d handled it better, she wouldn’t have moved in on my family to exact some kind of revenge.”
“You can’t know that.”
“She couldn’t have done it if I hadn’t run away.”
“That’s true. But she’s ill. You’re not responsible for that.”
Kaitlyn closes her eyes, going to her own private space. I watch her. She opens her eyes again. She seems more focused.
“I can’t believe Joshua. What’s wrong with him?”
“He’s hurt and confused.”
“My fault again.”
“Yes.”
She smiles wryly. “I should get going.”
“Okay.”
“Thanks for helping me.”
“I was trying to help Joshua and the girls.”
“Fair enough. But thank you just the same.” She walks past me to the door. “I’m truly sorry. I hope you know that.”
“Will you keep in touch?”
“You want that?”
“I want to know that you’re alive. That you’re okay.”
“I’ll try.”
“The girls will be all right.”
“I’m going to make sure of that.”
Kaitlyn opens the door and walks out of the apartment. I follow her.
“Wait, what do you mean? What are you going to do?”
“What I should’ve done in the first place.”
She hurries down the stairs. I almost call her name, but then I stop myself; there are people on the street, people who might recognize her. And what can I do anyway? I can’t control Kaitlyn any more than I could control Joshua. I’ve done enough.
For once in my life, I’ve done too much.
INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT
Subject: Cecily Grayson (CG). Conducted by: Teo Jackson (TJ).
TJ: Are you ready?
CG: Ready to spill my big secret?
TJ: I’m here to listen to whatever you want to tell me.
CG: I don’t mean to be dramatic. Probably in the grand scheme of things, my secret’s not that big, but it could have important consequences for me.
TJ: I understand.
CG: You asked me the other day about the fact that I’d visited a divorce attorney. I told you Tom and I were having trouble in our marriage and that I’d gone to see a divorce attorney to explore my options. That’s not the whole truth. The truth is, that was only at first. I’d found out some things about my husband, some things that made it hard for me to trust him again. He left for a while. That’s when I went to see the divorce attorney.
TJ: But you didn’t file for divorce?
CG: Not then. I let him move back home. But something was broken between us. He tried hard, he wanted things to work, but I didn’t feel safe with him anymore. I didn’t feel like I should.
TJ: I’m sorry to hear that.
CG: It’s all right. Anyway, I told him I wanted a divorce. He fought me on it. He wanted to try to work things out, to stay together for the kids, to give it longer than I wanted to. But I couldn’t see my feelings changing. I wasn’t getting over it. I was just getting more and more angry each day. I was so consumed by it, it felt like a sickness. A cancer. It was killing me.
TJ: What did you do?
CG: He agreed to move forward with the divorce. There was a law firm in his building that did their corporate work that also had a divorce attorney on staff. We negotiated how it would work, and they got everything ready for us to sign so we could file. We worked everything out, but we hadn’t told the kids. Tom asked for that. That we not tell them until we were ready to file. I think he was hoping I’d change my mind.
TJ: Then what happened?
CG: October tenth. I was going to his office because we were going to sign the documents, and that would’ve been it once the judge signed off.
TJ: But instead, he died?
CG: And you took my picture, and all of a sudden I was this person, this “widow,” this symbol. And there was the money.
TJ: What about the money?
CG: If the divorce were final, I never would’ve gotten any money. But it wasn’t. Tom and I were in financial trouble. We were going to have to sell the house and move into separate apartments, and even then it would’ve been a stretch, even with my going back to work. And I couldn’t use the money the kids got to clean up my problems. That went into a trust for them until they’re twenty-one. So I didn’t tell anyone. I took the money when I didn’t deserve it. I’m a complete fraud.
TJ: But you were still married.
CG: Technically, by a matter of inches. But I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want anything to do with him. But everything I have, any security I have, is because he died. And this image people have of me, it’s false, a lie. I always say how much I hate it, but I’ve gone along with all of it. The attention, the press. I told myself it was a way to make it up, to be the person people wanted me to be. But I think I enjoyed the attention, deep down. I liked the perks. I’m
