At length, looked upward, she said, “Lord Yehovah…I don’t understand what it is you want of me, but this is more than I can bear. I can deal with anger and hatred any day. At least I don’t have to feel love; feeling love is painful...” Images deep inside her heart she had long ago abandoned resurfaced.
“Do I have to keep feeling like this? Could you please make it stop?”
The painful thoughts became louder, more insistent. “Oh leave me alone, you cursed, wearisome thoughts,” she yelled. Fists pounded against the wall of the small shed. Strength to fight the battle left her. She slumped helplessly to the ground as her body shook while she sobbed. “Lord Yehovah. Please—” She choked, “Make this stop. It hurts...it hurts.”
Surveying her situation, she looked at the items in the little shed on Mount Vernon Square and realized she’d fallen asleep. She picked herself up, dusted off the leaves and pieces of grass covering her jeans, stretched and headed home. Once inside the condo, Evie looked up from her magazine. It was almost 11:30 PM.
“Is that you Poisonous?”
Redness covered her eyes, and the lines on her face reflected the tears that had been falling all day. “Yes. It’s me. Evie... I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel like talking.” She paused, searching for what to say next. “I think I’ll just go to bed.” After a few moments, she turned and managed a small smile. “But thank you for understanding.”
“It’s okay, honey. I do understand. Try to get some sleep. Tomorrow, Cydnie will come over to talk with you about working. At least you’ll have a chance to think about something different.” Evie turned away from her, and as she walked towards her room, she turned back and said, “Good night, Poisonous. May Lord Yehovah give you peace in your heart.”
Poisonous managed a smile. “Thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Poisonous dragged herself with great effort into her room, changed into her pajamas and fell into bed, physically and emotionally exhausted.
VD could only watch tonight. She had watched her friend struggle all day, and had shed tears of her own. “Why does love shake you to the core? It must be a powerful thing, because it sure bothers you a lot.” As she watched over her friend, happy tears trickled from her eyes. “I love you, Poisonous. Be brave, sweet friend.”
Moments later, her countenance fell. “I don’t know if I can be brave, old friend. I need answers myself. I can’t ask Cydnie because she’ll rebuke me. I would ask Evie, who has been a real friend, but I need to talk to an impartial party; someone who’s in my situation. You’re as helpless as I am. But I’ve been watching someone else who might be able to help me make sense of all of this.” Poisonous had fallen asleep. Smiling at her friend, she said, “Sleep sweet one. I know you need it.”
Her thoughts rambled in her head, until the answer hit her. “That’s it. I need to talk to him, and soon.” Before she left, she turned and took a last look at Poisonous, who breathed gently as she slept. “I hope you find your answers. Maybe I’ll find mine too.”
* * *
Shane dialed his co-leader’s numbers in his cell-phone. “Roger. Shane. Listen, man. I’m got some really heavy rotation coming up at work, and I’m going to be real busy,” he lied. “Could you do me a big favor and take over the Friday night study? I would be so-o-o-o indebted to you, man.”
“Sure, Shane. I’d be glad to help you out, buddy.”
A heavy sigh of relief followed the news that his friend had relieved him of a wearisome duty. That was easy. “Thanks, Roger. You’re the man.” No concern crossed his mind about charming his way out of something again. He sat back down in the easy chair, and reviewed his life to this point.
* * *
Thursday, October 2nd
Poisonous looked at the clock. 5:47 AM. She lay there and tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t. After tossing and turning for what must have been half an hour, she finally gave up, walked out to the kitchen, made herself some tea, and sat in the living room in the dark, save for the glow of a night-light. The nightlight made her feel cozy. Thoughts of her feelings of liking—maybe even loving—herself overwhelmed her and emotions rose within her again. In her anger and sadness, she looked upwards to the Heaven where the Lord of the Throne Room resided. “Lord Yehovah, why? Why have you given me—a demon—a heart that cares? Do you have any idea how much it hurts?”
Yes, dear child. I do. I died for you.
“Huh? You do?... You did? Why do you care about me? I have done nothing but fight against everything you stand for. I don’t deserve this.”
You do.
“But why? I’ve always been so evil. How can you forgive me?”
You are worthy.
“With all due respect, how can you say that? I’m…well, I’m evil. I can’t be worthy of your love. Can I?”
Yes, Perri. You can, and you are.
“Please... don’t toy with my feelings, Lord Yehovah. If you love me so much, will you at least make my guilt go away?”
I will... in time. First, you must know of my redemption, which Evie found. All must find it, even those who were former angels.
“Redemption? For me? Forgive me for being cynical, but I find that just too incredible to believe.” She shook her head in disbelief. “I’m... I’m just not worthy of
