He hugged me tightly. “Are you avoiding your aunts, you naughty girl?”
“I just can’t face anyone. Let’s go find somewhere to sit.”
We walked arm in arm. My father was getting old. He didn’t look it, but he was in his seventies, had a bad heart, and his breathing was irregular. Sometimes I woke up before dawn and found my breathing sounding just like my father’s. We were prone to the same diseases: a weak heart and asthma. We were both chain smokers, or had been; he gave it up a few years ago, though he didn’t mind a cigarette every now and then. But I smoked about forty a day. I enjoyed the burning sensation in my chest. He got upset whenever he saw me smoke. “All your arteries will get blocked and you will die. You’ll see.” To which I replied, laughing, “We will all die, Baba.”
We walked slowly through the streets of Heliopolis, which still retained some of their old charm. An old woman who sold vegetables on the sidewalk smiled at my father and waved at him with a wrinkled hand. “How are you, Semsema?” he said good-humoredly. “You’re looking beautiful today. When are you going to marry me?”
“The most beautiful morning to you, Professor. Behave, will you?” She giggled.
He laughed good-humoredly, then turned to me. “What’s wrong, Nadia? Who’s the son of a bitch making you sad?”
“Remember the guy I told you about? Ali?”
“Of course I do. The boy you’re in love with. Did he turn out to be a jerk?”
I was annoyed. “Baba, don’t trivialize things. I’m feeling seriously shitty, OK?”
He said, with the same tenderness I was used to since I was an infant, “Listen, Nadia, I told you ages ago: When you love a man, stay with him. If he’s an asshole and you love him, stay with him. Whether he’s a king or a beggar. If you love him, stay. When you stop loving him, leave. It’s simple and uncomplicated. Do you love him or not?”
I hesitated. “Yes. I love him. Look, I don’t know. I’m not sure.”
“If you’re not sure, then you don’t love him. Do you remember when you told me about Zayn? How pissed off I was?”
“How could I forget? You wore a permanent frown whenever I saw you.”
“Yes, because I knew you loved him. And I knew that you would have to leave him one day while you were still in love with him, or rather that he would leave you. Not because he was a bad man, but because of the circumstances. The thing that worried me and upset me most was that you really loved him. It was obvious. And your heartbreak was going to match that love. That’s what I feared.”
I looked at our feet as we walked. “Yes, Baba. I really loved Zayn—and I still do, by the way. But that’s over and now I’m thinking about Ali.”
“See—you can’t even say that you love Ali.”
“I need him.”
“He’s the one who needs you, you silly girl. Why do you do this to yourself, Nadia? Ali doesn’t suit you. He’s not mature enough. Zayn didn’t suit you either. But he was too mature.”
“Let’s not bring age into it. It’s lame. Also, those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. I’m not saying anything.”
He replied seriously: “I’m not talking about age. Nadia, you never go into anything with your eyes closed. But you’re always worrying about others. You’re always carrying the burden of some man. Why don’t you find a man who carries your burden?”
“Really, Baba? It’s as if you don’t know me. I’d never be comfortable with a man who takes care of me.”
He said sharply, “You only think so because you keep getting involved with half-men!”
I laughed. “That’s exactly what Radwa said.”
“OK, forget all that. What is it that’s bothering you about Ali? Obviously you don’t want to leave him, so what is the problem exactly? Is it something that can be fixed?”
His breathing started to sound labored. I pulled him into a nearby restaurant where we often had lunch. We sat in the outdoor area. I ordered a steak and he ordered steamed vegetables. I joked, “So which is better, this or the veggies I make?”
“Your food is better because you cook with your heart. They’re just doing a job.”
I went quiet for a moment, then said, “You know what the problem is? It’s that I know he will leave me. I know he’s not fully with me. I’m just a novelty that he’s trying out. I know that, but I don’t want to be the one who leaves first. I want him to experience life to the fullest. That’s what he needs, and it’s his right to need this.”
My father smiled. “You have to stop acting like you’re everyone’s mother. The last person I saw you treat normally was Radwa. Other than her, you treat people like they were your children. Ali is not your child. Only he is responsible for his life experiences. You can’t put yourself and your feelings at risk so he can grow up and become a man. That’s just ridiculous. I’m telling you this will hurt you badly. And then I will have to kill him.”
“Look at you, tough guy!” I laughed out loud. “No, I want him to have this experience. As you said, he doesn’t suit me, but
