* * * *
George lay on the deck, staring up at thestarry sky. On a clear night like this it would get bone chillingcold. The temperature was the least of his worries, though. “I needa second chance,” he murmured. Why did he have to haul off and kissher like that? What was he thinking? I hadn’t been thinking!He’d already berated himself relentlessly, but he couldn’t stop. Hewas being selfish. Thinking only of his needs.
He needed to put Allison first, always.Somehow he had to get her to seehow sorry he was and she’d believe him when he promised it wouldnever happen again.
He had gotten used to sleeping next to her.He missed her feminine scent, her sleepy smile, the heat of herbody keeping him warm.
The freezing season had begun. When he wasn’tworking, it was damn cold on deck. The constant movement during theday helped keep the blood flowing, but the steamboat docked atnight and he braved the bitter breeze. His gaze shifted to theboiler deck. At least Allison wascomfortable. It would be warmer in the ladies cabin.
Was she missing him or brooding heranger?
How would she treat him tomorrow?
He sighed. He didn’t know what to do. Heshould be happy Allison wanted to take it slow. Unlike his brother,he only had one night’s experience in bed. He grew up living inFrederick’s shadow. He watched him chase the girls on theplantation, lying with any woman he wanted. But watching and doingwere two different things, he was learning.
What would Allison think when she found outhow inadequate he was? Maybe she’d be happier with a manFrederick’s age.
The thought brought a sour taste to hismouth. One didn’t normally settle down with their first love, buthe couldn’t bear see Allison with any other man but him. He wouldlearn. He wanted to please her. He’d struck out on his own, butlacked the experience of an older man.
Allison could probably teach him a fewthings. He was sure he’d enjoy the lessons. His cock swelled and heshifted uncomfortably. If he didn’t lay with Allison soon he’d gocrazy. It was like tempting an alcoholic by keeping a bottle ofliquor on the table.
Frederick had lost his head over Emma. He wasin the process of doing the same and he and Allison had barelytouched. Most of his thoughts about her were merely fantasies. Hewasn’t sure of anything anymore.
Was he fabricating their growing attractionand closeness? Would she turn and run when the boat docked in St.Louis? Or would she forgive him his indiscretion? Hell, did sheeven want his love?
Chapter 12
ALLISON HUNG HER coat on the rack by thefront door and walked into Mrs. Brown’s sitting room.
“I’ll be there in a minute, Allison,” Mrs.Brown called. “Make yourself comfortable.”
Allison looked at the clock on the wall inMrs. Brown’s sitting room. George had escorted her here and left.She’d asked for an hour alone with the midwife and he didn’tinquire why. Thank goodness. George let her have her privacy.
Still, she needed to share her feelings andconcerns. Why did he have to ruin everything? She had just reacheda level of comfort with him and then he hauled off and kissed herin front of the crew and passengers. Women were not supposed to bekissed in broad daylight. Intimacy was a private act.
Mrs. Brown scurried into the room and gaveher a hug. “Welcome, dear. Come, have a seat.”
Allison followed her into the sittingroom.
“Where is George?” Mrs. Brown asked.
“He is running a few errands,” Allison lied.“I thought we’d talk a while just the two of us.”
“Oh, okay. Would you like a cup ofcoffee?”
“No. I’m fine.” She wanted to spilleverything to Mrs. Brown and get this over. “So George and I aregetting more serious,” Allison said, sitting.
“Serious?” Mrs. Brown asked, an eyebrowraised.
“We’ve kissed numerous times. The last timehe lost control of himself and kissed me on the deck with everyonewatching!”
Mrs. Brown didn’t seem shocked. “I see.”
Allison took a deep breath. She needed tocalm. Still upset with George, she didn’t need to take out herdispleasure on Mrs. Brown.
“Sometimes when people have strong feelingsfor each other they get carried away in the moment.”
“Yes. That is what George said happened. Butit scared me.”
“Scared you how?”
“The impropriety.”
“And?”
Allison swallowed hard. Of course, Mrs. Brownwould realize there was more to it than that. “It felt like an actof aggression, of possession. I can’t handle that.”
“Ah. And have you discussed this withGeorge?”
Allison tapped her fingers on her thigh.“No.” She didn’t want to discuss her feelings with George. Least ofall her feelings tied to her horrible past.
“I’m sure he regrets making youuncomfortable.”
“I know. He didn’t mean to embarrass me.”
“Uh-huh.” Mrs. Brown’s head bobbed. “No oneis perfect, Allison. George is doing the best he can.”
“Yes.” She exhaled. “He’s apologized many,many times. Done everything he could to make it up to me short ofbegging on his knees. Deep down I realize I can trust him. It isjust…”
“You’re still mad at him?”
Allison covered her eyes with her palms. “Iam pretending to still be mad at him. It puts distance between us.I’m terrified of us getting closer. My feelings, my desire for himhas grown, and he wants to, well you know.”
“And do you want to?”
Allison couldn’t get herself to say the word,so she merely nodded.
Mrs. Brown reached over and touched her arm.“Then what is the problem, dear? It sounds like you are bothready.”
“But am I really ready?” she asked, her voicepinched, worry squeezing her words. Allison bit her lip. She stillcouldn’t imagine how lying with a man, with George, could bepassionate and enjoyable. “Lying on the bed with him crawling ontop of me…” She shivered. “Just thinking about it brings backmemories of Grier. It is completely different, I realize that. Icrave George’s touch. I want to be around him all the time,but…”
“You don’t have lye down to make love,Allison.” Mrs. Brown lowered her voice. “Is that the only positionyou know?”
Allison shook her head. She’d tried others.But most of the times she had been lying down with her master’sbulk smothering her. He’d like the power of thrusting into her, theadded control.
“Take charge. Initiate the intimacy. Don’tact the victim. Instead of a man
