“Yes, this is Blake,” I say. “He was just offering me a dollar fifty to get him a glass of lemonade.”
“I’ll do it for a dollar and a quarter,” says Audrey with a smile. “So what’ve you guys been doing?”
“I’ve been loading half of those boxes into a truck to be taken to storage, while Blake here paid somebody to move the other half. You sure can’t accuse him of worrying too much about what other people think of him.”
Audrey frowns at me. “Be nice.”
“I’m at maximum niceness,” I say. “Hey, Audrey, you look parched from your bike ride. Would you care for a glass of cold, refreshing lemonade?”
She continues to frown at me. If anybody deserves frowns, it’s Blake. But she hasn’t seen that I’m justified in being extremely rude.
“I’d love a drink,” she says. “Can I get you something, Blake?”
Blake opens his mouth again but still doesn’t speak any words with success. I’m pretty sure he’s fallen madly in love with her. Too bad for him. I win this round.
9.
Blake never did successfully communicate whether he’d like Audrey to get him another glass of lemonade, though I think she took his slack-jawed silence as a yes. As we walk inside my house, she frowns at me yet again.
“What’s your deal?” she asks.
“What’s my deal?”
“That’s whose deal I was asking about, yes.”
“Were you not listening to our conversation last night? He’s like some mad scientist’s experiment to create the world’s worst human being.”
“That’s no excuse for your behavior. This isn’t like you,” says Audrey.
“That’s because my usual personality was developed by not being around Blake. I guarantee that if you’re around him for long, you’ll become three hundred percent ruder too.”
“Maybe. But he just arrived. You should try to work things out.”
I shudder. “Those are the most chilling words you’ve ever said. And I totally get what you’re saying. I’ve tried to be nice, but he is awful back.”
“Why would he want this to be awful?”
“I don’t know! The workings of his mind would require an army of psychologists to figure out! Half of them would run away screaming! The dude doesn’t make any sense.”
“Do you want me to beat him up for you?”
“Yes, please.”
Audrey grins. “That was a joke. All I’m saying is…don’t make this harder for yourself.”
“I won’t,” I say. “Maybe he lives in a place where wild chimpanzees are always jumping down on him from the trees and clawing at his head, and now that he’s in a chimpanzee-free zone, he’s so confused that he doesn’t know how to behave.”
“That must be it.” Audrey rolls her eyes.
“Unless he’s, y’know, the devil.”
“I feel like the devil would have higher aspirations.”
“I’d think so too, but who are we to judge?”
I pour Audrey a glass of lemonade.
“Are you going to let me bring him one?” she asks.
“I’d rather you didn’t.”
“I’m completely on your side, but maybe a peace offering from me will help smooth things over.”
“It’ll probably make him jealous. ‘Argh! She’s beautiful and smart and she brings lemonade to guests? I can’t handle it! I can’t handle it!’” I wish I could say that I did a dead-on impression of Blake, but it’s actually not very good.
“I’ll go out on a limb and say that me bringing him lemonade will not send him spiraling into jealousy over our relationship.”
“I dunno,” I say. “On a scale of one to ten, how would you rank his verbal abilities after he saw you?”
“Three. He did eventually produce sound.”
“He was entranced. Which you should definitely take as a compliment, but watch that he doesn’t try to steal locks of your hair.”
Audrey takes a drink. “Is he gonna get suspicious that it’s taking us so long?”
“Maybe. I don’t really see him as a ‘get up to investigate’ kind of guy. He’s more like a Sherlock Holmes who waits for the criminals to walk into his office and confess.”
“You did say he took down all your posters and put up his own. That’s not lazy.”
I shrug. “Fair enough. But I’m not incorporating him into my social life. He’s going to be like Neptune’s moons. You know they exist, but they aren’t an important part of your daily life.”
“Neptune has fourteen moons,” says Audrey.
“Fourteen?” That Audrey knows this is another reason why my girlfriend is awesome…even if it sorta disproves my point.
“Despina, Galatea, Halimede, Laomedeia, Larissa, Naiad, Nereid, Neso, Proteus, Psamathe, S/2004 N 1, Sao, Triton, and Thalassa.”
“Did you do those in alphabetical order?”
“Yes.”
“How did I not know that you could rattle off all fourteen of Neptune’s moons in alphabetical order?”
“I don’t do it very often.”
“Wow. We need to use those in a song.”
“They’re hard to rhyme.”
In case you think I’m an inattentive boyfriend, I knew that Audrey was really intelligent and that she had a head for facts and figures. I didn’t realize she was an astronomy wizard too. We’ve only been together for about three months, which may be why I am always learning new details about her. I don’t think I shared that timeline before. I didn’t want to overwhelm you with exposition too early, but it’s possible that backfired and you thought we’d known each other since kindergarten, in which case I definitely should’ve known that she could name all fourteen moons. Remind me when we get to a slow part, and I’ll do a flashback about how we met.
“I forgot how we got on this subject,” I say.
“You were saying that eventually, you wouldn’t remember if Blake exists or not.”
“Right. He’ll be like Home Alone 5. Was there a Home Alone 5? Maybe, maybe not. Somebody has to know, but it’s not me.”
“I have no idea how many Home Alone sequels there were,” says Audrey.
“Then it’s a perfect metaphor.”
“Okay, I won’t bring him lemonade.”
“Good. I’m not trying to deprive him. He can have all he wants. He can drink lemonade until he looks like a giant yellow balloon. He just has to get it himself.”
“That’s reasonable.”
“Do you want to see a neat trick?” I say.
“Sure.”
“All
