I should hide. What’s Jennifer going to do? Break down the door? Even if she starts pounding on it and shouting, “I know you’re in there, Rod!” surely she’ll get bored and leave before Audrey gets here, right?
The word surely should be purged from my vocabulary. Nothing is working out the way it should.
I open the door. Jennifer, still smiling, gives her head an alluring tilt. “Hi, Rod.”
“Hi, Jennifer.” I consider pretending that I don’t remember her name, but we have two classes together. Though we’ve never socialized outside of school, I know perfectly well that her name is Jennifer. If I want to get out of this predicament (Fun fact: I do), it’s best for me to stick to the truth.
“How’s it going?” she asks.
I shrug. “Eh.” I can’t say it’s been a great day.
“Just eh?”
“Yeah. Below eh, actually.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. I heard your band had a really amazing show Monday night.”
“Yep.”
“I didn’t even know you were in a band.” She giggles. “Are you keeping secrets from me, Rod Conklin?”
Okay, yeah, she’s definitely working for my cousin. “How much did Blake pay you?” I ask.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Who’s Blake?”
“My cousin Blake. There was an incident between us during biology class.”
Jennifer nods. “Oh, yeah. I heard about that. He totally deserved it. He’s lucky you didn’t do worse.”
“I didn’t do anything.”
“That was very restrained of you.”
“Blake’s out of control. He’s trying to ruin my relationship with Audrey.”
“You’re in a relationship with Audrey?” Jennifer asks. “I had no idea. Lucky girl.”
“Seriously. He’s the bad guy here, and if you’re on his side, you’re on the wrong side of history.”
“I don’t know him at all.”
“Then why are you here?”
“Because it sounds like you’re about to become really popular.” She leans closer to me. “And I want to be on the right side of history.”
This would be a terrible, terrible moment for Audrey to show up, and fortunately, she doesn’t. “Well, I know he paid you, so…”
“Nobody paid me.”
“Bribed you.”
“Nobody bribed me.”
“Blackmailed?” Has Blake really gone that far?
“I’m here because I want to get to know you better. No other reason.”
“Yeah, right.”
“Yeah, wrong.”
“What does that even mean?”
Jennifer’s smile disappears. “I don’t appreciate your attitude.”
“And I don’t appreciate you being Blake’s pawn. So it’s time to leave. Rapidly.”
Jennifer folds her arms in front of her chest. “I’m not going anywhere until you apologize.”
“I apologize. Bye.”
“You’re a jerk.”
“No, Blake is a jerk. I’m the victim of a jerk.”
“Why don’t you like me?”
“I like you fine. But I already have a girlfriend. Now go.”
Should I slam the door in her face? She’s standing a little too close. I don’t want to break her nose. You don’t get to claim you’re the good guy after you break a girl’s nose.
“All right,” says Jennifer. “I’ll leave.”
Jennifer does not leave.
“Now?” I suggest.
“Sure.”
“So…”
“Yes?”
“You haven’t left.”
“Oh.”
“You were supposed to.”
“I’m getting around to it.”
“Get around to it faster.”
“There’s no need to be rude.”
“Apparently, there is a need to be rude.”
“Most guys aren’t in a hurry to send me away.”
“This is an unusual circumstance.”
“May I come in and use your bathroom?”
“No.”
“Rude.”
“Sorry.” I shrug.
“I really, really have to go to the bathroom.”
“Sorry.”
“I’ll wet my pants right here on your front porch,” she says.
“You know what? If that’s the way things are heading, there’s nothing I can do about it. I’d prefer you not wet your pants on my porch, but if I have to choose between that and letting you inside, then I’m afraid I have to go with the pants-wetting option. Nothing personal.”
Jennifer glares at me. “Everybody says that you’re a gentleman. I guess they were wrong.”
“Nobody says I’m a gentleman,” I insist.
“Everybody does.”
“No, they don’t. They might say I’m a cool punk rocker, but not a gentleman.”
“Nobody says you’re a cool guy.”
“Nobody?” This news is somewhat distressing.
“Nope.”
“You’re trying to hurt my feelings.”
“I help feelings. I don’t hurt them.”
“You need to go.”
“I agree with you.”
“I know what you’re doing. You’re avoiding leaving so that you’re here when Audrey gets here.”
Jennifer looks a little worried. “Is Audrey on her way?”
“Yes. You didn’t know that?”
“How would I know that?”
“Because you’re here because of Blake.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Of course you are.”
“I barely know him. He’s not somebody I’d do favors for.”
“So you’re admitting that you know him a little.”
“Barely.”
“That’s enough.”
“Enough for what?”
“To be bribed or blackmailed.”
“You live in a weird world.”
“If you’re not working with Blake, why are you here?”
“I already said. To get to know you better.”
“Right, but now you know that I have a girlfriend and that she’s on the way over, and you’re still standing there. Your reasoning no longer holds up.”
Jennifer puts her hand on her hip. “Maybe I think I can compete with her.”
“I’m not going to comment on that either way, but it’s obviously not why you’re here. Just admit it.”
“Will you let me use your bathroom if I admit it?”
“No.”
“Rude.”
“Am I going to have to call the police?”
“Are you the kind of guy who’d call the police on a girl who wanted to ask him out?”
“I’m moving in that direction.”
“Do you want to go to the movies tonight?”
“Can’t.”
“Why not?” She looks insulted.
“Because I have a girlfriend and you don’t really mean it.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Could you step back a bit?” I ask.
“Sure.”
Jennifer doesn’t step back. I can’t slam the door unless she steps back. Even you wouldn’t sympathize with me if I broke her nose.
“You’re not stepping back,” I say.
“I thought I did.”
“Nope.”
“Pretty sure I did.”
“Nope.”
“My feet look like they’re in a different spot.”
“Nope. Your feet are exactly where they were before.”
“Interesting.”
Audrey could be here any minute. If Jennifer still refuses to leave and continues playing dumb, that might work to my benefit because Audrey would immediately realize that Jennifer isn’t really here to get to know me better. But if Jennifer sees her and hurries away, it could be problematic.
You know what I should do? I should give Audrey a heads-up that Jennifer is standing on my front porch and won’t leave. That way she won’t
