Obviously, I don't think Kate's a Lieutenant Colonel Icepick, but it does strike me that this trait was admired in a retiring male colonel—celebrated, even—but used as evidence to fire a female lieutenant colonel.
Heck, even General Mattis, whom I worked for twice, is celebrated for his no-nonsense, direct, tough, demanding leadership. Mattis used to say, “The only two qualities I look for in a Marine are initiative and aggressiveness.” To this day, he's still celebrated among Marines for saying things like “It's fun to shoot some people.”2 Mattis was both tough and fair, and the Marines loved him for that. Well, except the non-performers. They hated him for that; and when it comes to initiative and aggressiveness, Kate has both in spades.
As I told you before, men, like Mattis, are praised for embodying the Corps’ ideals of a tough leader, and women are generally penalized for the same. This is no different from what we see in the corporate world. There are decades of research out there on the subject of language expectancy in persuasion that support my contention. And some men wonder why women don't “smile” more? Ugh.
I've seen Kate deal with this double-standard before, but I had never seen her in a darker mood or more filled with doubt than during that month and a half following our phone call at Pimlico racetrack. She was suffering alone in South Carolina, in agony, awaiting her fate. There were multiple instances between the time when she made the complaint to Williams and when she was fired that I was truly concerned about her mental and emotional state.
I would call her and she'd be in such a dark place that I'd ask, “Are you going to hurt yourself? I need you to tell me you're not going to do something really rash, or else I will get in my car and be there in eight hours.” There were times she was so low that I contemplated calling 911. I knew I couldn't count on Williams or Haas, or anyone else in leadership at Parris Island, to look after her, and I didn't know anyone else in Beaufort, other than her sergeant major, who was also very worried about her.
I felt helpless.
In any case, between the time when Williams fired her and the moment she pulled into our driveway in Maryland, the Marine Corps immediately started leaking out the details of her relief while refusing to provide her a copy of their investigations. Kate had requested copies of both the command investigation and the equal-opportunity investigation at the meeting when Williams relieved her.
It was clear to me that the Corps’ leadership was playing political games.
What the Marine Corps leadership didn't know was that I was already a few steps ahead of them—both the media and my contacts in the Pentagon had been feeding me information for weeks.
Again, in the five years I spent in the Pentagon, I had seen some of the shady games that are played when senior leaders are scared and the wagons are circled.
As Kate drove home, I called our dear friends who lived nearby, Chris and Brian, to update them about the situation. Like us, these two dudes own a historic home. They are also the most caring and compassionate people on the planet, and I knew Kate needed the strength of people who love and respect her. Brian was out of town, but Chris came straight over and kept me company while I awaited Kate's return.
When she pulled into the driveway, she looked terrible, and I could tell her confidence was gone. Chris and I gave her big hugs, walked her inside, and told her we were proud of her for taking a brave stand. In a way, I think she was relieved for the drama to be over.
The next day, we hung out in Old Town, Alexandria—in Virginia—and I immediately started posting photos of her smiling on social media. I knew people from the Marine Corps were likely following my posts and reporting back to leadership, and I didn't want them to know they cracked her spirit. But, man, she was so skinny. She had lost about ten pounds and looked emaciated.
I needed them to understand that they hadn't destroyed her, and that she wasn't going to back down. For now, the best way I knew how to stick it to them was to not give them the satisfaction of knowing how deeply they wounded her.
That August, we went to Jackson, Wyoming, to climb the Grand Teton—a North American mountaineering classic—and I made sure they could see Kate on the summit, decked out in her climbing gear and grinning like she'd just won the lottery.
I wanted to project that she was both unbroken and indefatigable. In fact, she was just beginning to recover.
Shortly after Kate came home to Maryland and the news started to break, we got a flood of support from both left and right, and from people serving on active duty and veterans. Here's an interesting one.
About a month after she was fired, a male Marine Corps lieutenant colonel who was controversially relieved of his command in combat in Afghanistan in 2004 reached out to Kate.
In his case, the Marine Corps followed the policy concerning release of information, and there's not a lot out there in the open press on him. I knew this guy by reputation. He was a rising star within the Corps; he was very popular with his Marines; and it was clear that the brass were grooming him to be a general.
According to accounts, he was very intense, led his unit through a very tough combat deployment, and brought all but one of his Marines home.3
A major I served with and respect tremendously said he was the best officer he ever served with.
Some stated that this lieutenant colonel was hard on his officers.
Others stated he was relieved to protect the career-advancement potential of
