I thought of Adam, of what he would want me to do, and even though I’d had such a hard time feeling him these past few weeks, I knew he would want me to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Because, without him, I was all my children had. I was our only hope.
I had to do this for me, for my boys, for my niece watching me. She needed to see me swim, not sink. I stood up and leaned on Emerson. I looked up into her clear blue eyes, the color of the Caribbean. “I’m ready,” I said.
It wasn’t much, but I knew my sister understood. I was ready to start living again.
Two hours later, scopolamine patch behind my ear, I was happy with the choice I had made. Caroline was expertly captaining Jack’s yacht. I, for one, was grateful we weren’t sailing. It had been bad enough to untie the lines and let out the dinghy. Jibs and masts were more than I could take.
I sat on the bench beside Caroline’s captain’s chair, Vivi and Emerson behind us on the blue-and-white-striped bench that was sofa-comfy.
“You should have seen her in her little Seafarer uniform,” I was saying. “Your mom was amazing. She moved through the ranks so quickly that they thought they were going to have to invent new challenges for her.”
“The water’s in her blood,” Emerson added. “Against all odds.”
Caroline laughed.
“I’m so excited,” Vivi said. “I’m excited about camp, but I’m also excited to have all of you to myself for three whole days.”
Having my entire family’s attention on me didn’t happen often, but when it did, I savored it too.
“Aunt Emmy, here’s what I want to know.”
I was expecting her to ask something about camp. Instead, she said, “What’s the deal with you and Mark?”
Caroline glanced back at Emerson as if to say, You can tell her, but keep it clean.
Emerson smiled, and I swear she looked fifteen again. “I kept telling Mark I didn’t want to date him, that it was distracting and not in my plan.”
Caroline shot a look at Emerson that I knew meant, And then he started sneaking in your window, which isn’t distracting and is in your plan?
“So we were seeing each other here and there, but nothing serious at all.” She paused, taking a sip of her Perrier. “But remember that Internet series I starred in, Make It Happen?”
Caroline and I both groaned, and Caroline said, “How could we possibly forget?”
I pulled the cellophane wrapper off a bag of popcorn and put it in the microwave.
“What’s that?” Vivi asked.
She got to keep her clothes on, but in terms of writing, lighting, and production value, that show was just a notch above porn. “It was this awful show Aunt Emmy starred in.”
“Mark told me he had watched that entire series nine times just to see me.”
“Nine times?” Caroline asked, horrified. “How? Why? And, again how?”
I groaned. “If he watched that trash nine times, he is head-over-heels, can’t-breathe-without-you in love,” I said.
“I can’t wait to grow up and be in love,” Vivi said, sighing wistfully. “You and Mark are so cute.”
Caroline shot me a pleading glance. She couldn’t say anything because she was the annoying mother and would be immediately disregarded. But I was the cool aunt, so I could say, “Oh, Viv, don’t rush it. Being young is wonderful and so fleeting.”
“Yeah,” Emerson interjected. “Love is complicated.”
“You can say that again,” Caroline added.
“You and Mark don’t seem complicated,” Vivi said.
As I removed the popcorn from the microwave, I decided to change the subject. I turned to Emerson. “What’s next for you after this movie?”
“I’m trying out for a new part . . .”
I nodded, and Caroline said, “But?”
“But I’m not sure. I mean, it’s not that I’m not sure about the part.” She sighed and rubbed her fingernail with the pad of her thumb. “It’s kind of hard to explain. It’s just, like, how much longer do I have as an actress, you know? Ten years if I’m super lucky and have an amazing dermatologist.”
“Well, of course you’ll have an amazing dermatologist,” Caroline interjected. She turned back and winked at her sister.
“I won’t be relevant that much longer and I’m not even that relevant now. And then what do I have?”
I reached over and took her hand, swallowing the feeling that, compared to what I was going through, this was trite, insignificant bullshit. But to her, this felt real. “You’ll never be irrelevant, Em.”
She looked up toward to the sky. “I’m sorry,” she said. “Vivi, let’s talk about camp some more.”
“No,” Caroline said, “it’s OK. She should hear this. I think we shelter our girls from our real feelings, and it makes them grow up thinking there’s something wrong with them when they feel self-conscious.”
“Yeah, Aunt Emmy. I want to know everything,” she said, rapt with attention.
Emerson sighed. “I’ve been doing this for eight years, and I haven’t had my big break. Maybe I need to look at life after Hollywood. I want what the two of you have, you know? I want someone who loves me unconditionally. I want to have something when this is over.”
I opened the paper bag, and steam and the smell of butter rose. I couldn’t imagine being Emerson. The cameras, the lights, the people following her around, wanting to take pictures with her, wanting her autograph. Everyone wanted a piece of my little sister. It must have been exhausting. There were plenty of days that I envied the money and the perks that came along with her life. But there were some major drawbacks, too.
She shook her head and grinned the tiniest bit. “That, Vivi, if you must know, is what’s complicated about Mark. He’ll never leave Peachtree Bluff, and if I’m not ready to quit acting, then we could never be together.”
“It could be kind of romantic,” Caroline said. “A bicoastal life.”
“What would that even look like? I’d fly in on the weekends, see
