I shudder, suddenly freezing, and pull a blanket up around my neck. What have I done? Perhaps the fragments that I remember are just the beginning. Perhaps I lashed out at Anna when I was drunk, or said even more unspeakable things. I remember the morning I woke up with a bruise on my arm, and I have no idea how I got it.
It is nothing, though, nothing to what I have done to Jack. Human plasma. Unlicensed drugs. “An astounding negligence of care.” And now a new fear, that keeps me awake at night: that Dr. Sladkovsky’s treatments might have hastened Jack’s death.
Re: Dr. Sladkovsky arrested
by Rob» Sun May 14, 2017 4:39 am
Hello everyone, I haven’t been on Hope’s Place for a while and just wanted to reply to Chemoforlifer’s post, as I am one of those people whose son was treated by Dr. Sladkovsky.
I am disgusted with myself. My wife was adamant that we shouldn’t do the treatment but I went against her wishes and took my son Jack there. (Jack was diagnosed in spring 2014 and died in January 2015, not long after we left the clinic.)
I am full of so much guilt and so much pain. I have been drinking since Jack’s death, drinking myself into the ground every day. I have stopped now but I just don’t know how I can keep doing this anymore.
I hate myself for what I have done to my son and to my wife. I am so ashamed I feel like killing myself. I don’t give a shit about anyone else other than myself. To everyone that I have hurt, I am so sorry.
Re: Dr. Sladkovsky arrested
by Chemoforlifer» Sun May 14, 2017 7:40 am
First, Rob, I hope you’re okay. And please, if you want to talk about any of this, do send me a PM or give me a call (number in my sig). Please don’t suffer alone and remember your friends on Hope’s Place are all here for you. Regarding Dr. Sladkovsky, well, it takes guts to say that, to admit your mistake. We all live and learn. I wish you peace.
Just as I am logging out of Hope’s Place, I receive a private message through the forum.
Subject: Re:
Sent: Sun May 14, 2017 3:21 pm
From: naws09
Recipient: Rob
Are you okay? I know I don’t know you but I don’t like to see someone in distress. Please don’t kill yourself. There is too much sadness in this world. I lost my little girl, Lucy, a few years ago and understand exactly how you feel. I know how dark it can get and I know how long that darkness lasts. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you have a friend if you ever want to talk.
Subject: Re: Re:
Sent: Mon May 15, 2017 8:45 am
From: Rob
Recipient: naws09
Hello, naws09. Thanks so much for your kind note. I feel like a bit of an idiot, to be honest. I was feeling very down and detoxing from all the alcohol when I wrote that post. Sorry, didn’t want to alarm you.
I was humbled by the amount of strangers, like yourself, who sent me PMs saying they were worried about me and offering their support. So thank you so much. It means a lot to me.
I think, deep down, that’s what I really want—to talk—because I have kept everything inside me for so long. I remember when my wife was telling me I needed help after Jack died and I knew I needed it but I just couldn’t do it, wasn’t brave enough I suppose.
I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how do you do it? Staying alive, I mean. Once again, thanks very much for your kind note. I really do appreciate it.
Best Wishes,
Rob
Subject: Re: Re:
Sent: Tue May 16, 2017 7:06 pm
From: naws09
Recipient: Rob
Hello, Rob, nice to hear from you and I’m glad you’re feeling better now. Well done, by the way, on the drinking, or lack of drinking, rather.
You asked me how I do it. Well, I certainly don’t have the formula. And I’m not sure I have any decent advice. As mundane as it sounds, I keep myself busy: I work a lot, I run, I go to the gym. I try to take an interest in things: new books, the TV series that everyone is talking about at work.
I can’t say I’m happy but I’m surviving. It’s only a temporary solution, though, and I have hit the bottom so many times. I have wanted to slit my wrists, jump off a bridge. I have wished terrible things, things that make me ashamed to be alive. I have wished that this happened to other children and not mine.
So, that’s my story. There is one thing I do, which I think helps a great deal. I try to help people on Newly Diagnosed. It breaks my heart to see these desperate people suffering so much, so I try to help them, offer them support, just be their friend.
When I started doing this on Hope’s Place, I began to notice this world of support that I never knew existed, where people were contacting each other privately and PMing each other, becoming friends on Facebook or whatever. They do it quietly, without fanfare, all these hundreds and thousands of personal connections and bonds that others don’t know about. It is a small thing but it is a beautiful thing. I’ve become very close friends with several people from Hope’s Place and it has meant so much to me. I’m not a particularly touchy-feely person and find it difficult to open up. These friendships, with people who have gone through the same, have helped me so much.
It’s not going to bring your little boy back...but then
