And, besides, that’s totally not what this shit with Sue Ellen’s all about.
I mean, it’s so much more than just sex and physical desire and whatever.
We kiss each other.
Her pale, pale skin is flushed all over.
Her green-blue eyes are blurred with tears.
“What are we gonna do?” she whispers. “What the hell are we gonna do?”
She cries against my shoulder, and I can feel the wet soaking through my T-shirt.
“Hey,” I say. “Hey, it’s okay. I love you. That’s all that matters. We’re gonna be together. I’ll come to Charleston. I don’t even care. I’ll stay with you. I’ll get a job. I’ll finish my book. I don’t need anything else. I mean, all I need is you.”
She cries even harder at that—her nose snotty, her eyes, cheeks, and mouth all swollen.
I rub her back like you would a small child’s—tracing and retracing the contours of her spine.
“But you won’t be able to,” she whimpers. “You don’t have any money.”
My hands grip her tighter. “What about your mom? You think she might be willing to help me get a ticket if I promise to pay her back?”
She shakes her head. “No. There’s no way. I can’t ask her that.”
We stay silent for a minute before I can think of anything.
“Well, what if she rented you a car? We could drive to Charleston and drop it off there. That’d be awesome. I’ve never seen any of that country down there.”
Sue Ellen sits up all at once, tucking her hair back behind her ears. “Hey, that’s a really good idea. I bet that won’t be any more expensive than a plane ticket.”
“Totally,” I say. “But, even if not, I’m sure I can borrow the money from someone to get a flight from here. You don’t have to worry. I mean, it’ll be fine.”
She lets herself fall down on top of me again, nuzzling her head into the curve of my neck like a cat would. “And you’ll be all right just living with me in the South. It’s gonna be a whole different world than you’re used to. And, I hate to tell you this, but you’re gonna stick out like a sore thumb down there.” She laughs like crazy. “I hope you’re okay with that.”
I go on and laugh along with her. “Yeah, I gotta admit, I never in my life ever thought I’d end up living in South Carolina. But, honestly, as long as I’m with you, I don’t care where I live. We could move into a goddamn cardboard box, for all I care. It’s you, Sue Ellen. I mean, you’ve given me a reason. You understand?”
She burrows in closer to me. She tells me she loves me.
I run my hands through her hair. “It’s gonna be okay,” I say—over and over—as an electrical pulse surges through the wiring of my veins. I feel nausea all in my throat—everything burning—dizzy—teetering.
“It’s gonna be okay.”
I swallow it all down. I mean, what else can I do?
This is my life.
Fuck if I know how I got myself here.
But here I am.
When I was a kid, the grown-ups told me I could accomplish anything if I just set my mind to it.
So what have I accomplished?
Survival.
And the only thing I can hope for now is just to make shit not suck so goddamn hard.
So I might as well try ’n’ believe this is what I really want.
Because it is, you know?
It really is.
I mean, it’s gonna be okay.
It’s gonna be okay.
It’s gonna be okay.
I’m going to worship Sue Ellen like I did Zelda.
I’m going to make her matter just as much to me.
So I guide Sue Ellen over to the bed and lie her down on her stomach—legs pressed together so I can straddle her from behind. I gather her long hair up in my hand, draping it off to the side so her long, pale neck is exposed. Her body tenses up beneath me—both in fear and anticipation.
I kiss gently behind her ear.
I kiss down her whole body.
I kiss her all over.
As hours pass.
And then we do make love—even though I hadn’t wanted to.
And we make love again.
And we talk and talk.
And we kiss each other.
And we make love again.
And we don’t sleep.
Until it’s morning.
And finally we pass out.
But then there is a pounding at the door—loud and hard and relentless. I ignore it for as long as I can, but the knocking just won’t stop. Standing up fast, I feel the blood rush out of my head so I almost go unconscious. I feel sick and shaky. The world’s turning a whole lot faster than it should be.
A ball of white, glaring light makes me flinch as I open the door. I’ve got a sheet wrapped around my waist, but that’s all.
“What?” I ask, stupidly—still half-blind.
It’s Jason, of course.
Seven thirty in the morning, and he’s already screaming at me.
“This is it, Nic. I’m through with you. Here’s your shit. Now, I don’t want to talk to you again until you’ve gotten back into treatment somewhere, is that clear?”
He’s sort of piled my guitar and suitcase next to the door, so I start dragging the shit in, saying, “Believe me, man, that’s not gonna be a problem.”
Jason’s jerking all around almost like a goddamn tweak head.
“Yeah, well, you’re setting yourself up for a big fall, man. And the most unforgivable thing is that you’ve decided to take Sue Ellen with you.”
I can’t help but freeze up for a second at that.
“Look, Jason,” I say, turning to face him. “I know where you’re coming from. I mean, this is your first time in treatment, so I get why you’ve bought into it so goddamn blindly. But one day, man, I swear, you’re gonna look back on all this and be embarrassed as hell.
