And, yeah, the more drugs I use—and the longer I’m out there—the more goddamn fly-like I become—and the harder it is to get back to my humanness.
And I know that not everybody is able to make it back.
I only wish that when I was younger I could’ve understood what alcoholism really is—a genetic mutation, a mental illness, and a lifelong battle. Maybe then I would’ve been able to recognize the signs of my own budding alcoholism before my whole life was taken over.
Maybe I wouldn’t have had to waste all those years living as a goddamn fly.
It was just such a waste.
The only reconciliation I have with any of this is that I have the opportunity now to share what I’ve learned and to hopefully help other addicts.
Not that I’m ungrateful for my life now.
Because I am. I am grateful.
All I’m saying is that it’s a waste.
And there’s nothing glamorous or sexy about that.
It’s not cool or badass.
What’s cool is being able to take care of your family.
What’s badass is being able to give your family a home and health insurance and being able to pay your taxes.
What’s glamorous is being a good father, a good husband, a good fucking dog owner.
That’s what I care about today.
That’s what matters.
I will devote everything to that.
And I will succeed.
Because I cannot fall down again.
I will not fall down again.
I mean, I don’t have to fall.
None of us have to fall.
We don’t all fall down.
We don’t.
So I’m over this drug shit.
It’s done.
And this is my last recovery memoir ever.
That is, I’ll have no more drug stories to tell after this.
But I am gonna keep on writing. In fact, I’m working on a novel right now, and I’ve even been doing some TV writing.
And while it’s not gonna be about drugs… there’ll definitely be plenty of blood and sex and gore in everything I do to go around….
So hopefully y’all will wanna keep checkin’ my stuff out.
Like Marc Bolan says,
“Deep in my heart,
there’s a house
that can hold
just about all of you.”
All right, cool, thanks again….
Talk to you soon….
N
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
All right, well, Christ, I don’t know what to say. Of course I want to thank, again, my mom and my stepmom and my dad. I love y’all… even if I don’t always call.
Jasper and Daisy, I’m really proud of both of you. I mean, you two are really some of my favorite people and my best friends, and I love you and respect you and care for you so much.
Thank you to:
The St. John Coltrane African Orthodox Church
Mark and Jenny and Bear and Becca and Steve and Mark and Susan and Lucy and Nancy and Don and Joan and Sumner.
And Adam (I love you).
And Max (I love you, too).
Even if I don’t always call.
And Binky, thank you so much. You’re incredibly wonderful to me.
And Elizabeth, this has been so awesome. Thank you for everything. I think you’re totally amazing and cool.
Even if I don’t always call.
And Jeremy Kleiner, I really admire you a whole lot.
And Ron Bernstein, I admire you, too.
And Cameron, you’ve been so great to me.
And Dr. Mooney, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you all very much.
Love.
Me.
FOR MORE INFORMATION
Al-Anon and Alateen
www.al-anon.org
www.al-anon.org/for-alateen
Alcoholics Anonymous
www.aa.org
Nar-Anon
www.nar-anon.org
Narcotics Anonymous
www.na.org
National Association for Children of Alcoholics (NACoA)
www.nacoa.org
National Institute on Drug Abuse for Teens
teens.drugabuse.gov
The Partnership at Drugfree.org
www.drugfree.org
READING GROUP GUIDE FOR WE ALL FALL DOWN
What do you think of the title of this book? Have you ever “fallen down”? How did you get back up?
Nic has a contentious relationship with Melonie, his counselor at The Safe Passage Center. Do you think that Melonie was trying to help Nic? Why do you think Nic had such a hard time communicating with Melonie?
Early in the book, Nic mentions a rehab center that forbade its patients from writing, playing music, and reading. Can you imagine getting through your day with no music, no writing, and no reading?
When they first become a couple, Nic tells Sue Ellen, “I could never hurt you.” As the story progresses, Nic does hurt her through his actions. Why do you think people sometimes hurt the ones they love?
In Chapter 14, Nic is a passenger on a very turbulent flight. Thinking about the plane possibly crashing, Nic thinks to himself, “I’m ready.” What do you think Nic means by this statement? What events leading up to this moment would allow him to arrive at such a low place?
Do you think that parties and other social occasions are difficult for sober people? Do you think that some people use drinking or drugs as a social crutch?
Nic fights against conventional rehab methods like the twelve steps used in A.A. Do you think people can find solutions to personal problems without following a subscribed method or program?
Tallulah becomes an important presence in Nic’s life. How can pets help people who are dealing with problems?
Nic meets Fallon in the airport and immediately feels close to her. Have you ever met someone and felt an instant connection?
Nic’s dad urges him to get professional help, and Nic ultimately receives treatment from a psychiatrist in Los Angeles. Would you ever urge a friend or family member to get outside help if you felt that they needed it?
At the end of the book, Nic and Justin break down a physical wall, and Nic says, “We broke through to the other side.” What moments in your life have been breakthrough moments?
NIC SHEFF DISCUSSES WRITING
1. Reviewers have called your books “searingly honest,” “raw,” and “compelling.” Do you write to capture the world around you, both the light and the dark?
Honestly, this sounds kind of pretentious maybe, but I really just wrote because I needed to write. I mean, I feel like I write because I have to. There’s
