It was only then that I let out the pain, I started to cry until everything went black.
Chapter 1
It had been three days since we returned from the horror show that was my home. Three, long ass days. It felt more like a lifetime. I’d barely left the tiny room that the military had given me. I felt numb to everyone and everything around me, I didn’t want their sympathy and pitying looks. I didn’t want their hugs and kind words. I wanted my family back, I wanted to see Poppy’s smile again, to hear Cameron’s little laugh. To see my beautiful wife again, to feel her touch, to hold the three of them in my arms. I paced my room, back at the Army’s compound. The bile rose in my throat. Anger and guilt started to take over again, it never left I’m not sure that it ever would.
“AHHHHH” I turned and punched the door, leaving a dent in the dark wood, but the pain radiating through my fist, my knuckles, felt good. A welcome distraction from the pain inside my chest.
A small knock at the door, had me coming back to myself “What? “I roared.
The door opened and Nia came in, she wore black jeans and a tight black vest top. Her dark hair flowed in loose curls around her shoulders, olive green eyes looked at me with concern, before dropping to my chest and back up again.
“We’re ready” her voice was low and quiet, as if she would scare me away if she spoke normally.
My eyes met hers and hers filled up, I closed mine and pumped my fist, noting that nothing felt broken, but that there was a lot of pain.
“I’ll be right there, thank you” It came out as a hoarse whisper, my throat was sore from crying. I didn’t mean to take my anger out on her, or on any of them but I couldn’t seem to control it and so it was easier to block them out.
She didn’t reply, when I heard the click of the door being closed behind her I opened my eyes. Leaving me alone in my painful abyss once more. I hated pushing her away, but I couldn’t let anyone get close ever again. My grief was helping me to build walls around my heart. I kept telling myself that it would be easier, if someone else got hurt then it was better for me not to feel. I could be more objective and less emotional on missions too.
I was about to leave when I realised that I was only wearing my red boxer shorts and nothing else, I sorted through the clothes that Captain Cooper’s men had brought for me on auto pilot. Picking out some black combat trousers and a dark grey vest top, with black boots.
I got dressed, taking my time and walked slowly out of the building, passed the canteen. The smell of food both making me feel hungry and nauseous at the same time. My feet felt like they were lead weights and I was dragging them along.
As usual ignored everyone I passed, keeping my head down, concentrating on placing one foot after another. Not wanting to get to my destination but knowing that I needed to, that if I didn’t do it then I would regret it forever.
I finally arrived at the makeshift graveyard right at the back of the compound, my head bowed, I closed my eyes and steeled myself for what was about to happen. I took a deep breath and raised my head to face my friends, Will, Nia, Adam, Amelia and Billy were there amongst others we helped to save from Deacon, all dressed in as dark colours as we could find. Captain Cooper and a few of his men had come too. But the only thing I could focus on was the three bodies wrapped in white sheets under a massive old oak tree. The huge branches forming a leafy canopy for them, the two of them looked so tiny, even Kelly my sweet sweet wife looked small. I had tried to be mad at her, tried to hate her for taking away our children, but she did what she felt she needed to do to protect them from the undead horrors that awaited them.
Instead I turned my anger towards Deacon and his men, the way I saw it, they kept me away from my loved ones. I reserved some anger for myself also, I should have tried harder to get back to them, should have fought to leave everyone else behind and get back to the ones that depended on me.
I nodded and the Captain started to say a few words as they lowered Kelly, I walked closer meeting Amelia at the side of the grave, she wore a navy knee length dress and held some brightly coloured wild flowers that she and Nia had picked this morning whilst Will, Adam and I dug the graves.
She handed them to me and placed her hand on my arm, I flinched at the physical contact. She removed her hand quickly and went to stand by Adams side. I waited for the Captain to stop talking and then dropped in the flowers all but two of them. I kept a purple one for Poppy and a blue one for Cameron. My hands shook wildly, and I held on to the flowers tightly, crushing their stems. I said a silent goodbye, my throat constricting so tightly I couldn’t form the words out loud.
As Will and Adam lowered in the bodies of my children, my legs gave way, barely registering the sting on my knees from hitting the ground hard as deep gut wrenching sobs tore through my body.
