“Oh, honey. I understand. Your ghosts are haunting you. But it’s time to move forward.”
He froze. “Ghosts?”
“Come on. You’re too self-aware to play dumb. Heavenly sounds an awful lot like Blessing.”
The moment her memory whispered through his brain, Beck broke out in a sweat. The air thickened, choking him with regret.
He tried hard never to allow that.
“No. Heavenly is self-sufficient and determined. And so damn proud. She’s broke but chose to starve rather than ask for my fucking help. She pushes back…but now I buy her lunch every day. Trust me, she’s the last woman who’d ever let a man run her life. She’s not Blessing.”
“Okay, calm down. Just…if you decide to pursue Heavenly, make sure it’s not because you’re trying to atone.”
He fell deadly cold. “I can never atone.”
She tangled her fingers in his. “Ken, you have to forgive yourself someday.”
He jerked away.
“Try. Please.” Gloria sighed. “For me.”
Beck didn’t want to dig through the rubble of his past, pick open his years-old scars, and bleed. What would it change? But she never asked him for anything, goddamn it. And he respected her too much to refuse.
“Fine.”
“You know, if you want to talk, I’m always here for you.” She stood and dropped a hand on his shoulder. “And now I’ve got to get gorgeous for work.”
He watched as she hurried out of the kitchen. As she disappeared, he strode to the refrigerator and studied its contents. While Gloria showered and readied for work, he prepared pork fried rice, steamed vegetables, and a fresh fruit salad. Usually, he found cooking therapeutic, but tonight there was no joy as he sliced, diced, and stirred. His mind raced.
What was he going to do about Heavenly?
When dinner and small talk ended, Beck cleaned the kitchen. By the time he dried the last dish, he felt as if he’d engaged in a mental masturbation marathon. Worse, he was no closer to an answer. God, his friends would laugh their asses off if they had any clue how utterly an innocent blue-eyed blonde had long ago annihilated Shadows’ big, bad sadist. And how close a second one was to doing it again.
He slammed the dishwasher shut, then yanked his phone from his pocket, staring at his photo of the crux of his discontent.
If you decide to pursue Heavenly, make sure it’s not because you’re trying to atone.
Beck shoved his phone back in his pocket with a disgruntled curse. Fuck, was he subconsciously trying to repeat history so he could rewrite it? That couldn’t be his fascination with Heavenly…right? These feelings he couldn’t fight must be a sign she was something more.
“I’m ready,” Gloria called. “I’ll be back about nine tomorrow. Try to keep the overnight party to a dull roar. My neighbors think I’m respectable.”
He did his best to smile, but his head was too crowded. The walls were closing in. He had to get out of here and think. “Why don’t you let me drop you off?”
“You don’t have to, honey. I don’t work downtown or the slums anymore. I’m renting a bank of posh new condos with lovely views of the Strip. Each of the girls has her own apartment. It’s all very discreet and upscale. I have an office down the hall, along with security…”
“I want to drive around, catch up a little. My car is low on gas, and I’d rather take yours.”
Gloria shrugged. “Here are my keys. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t enjoy.”
Beck took the ring and headed to the garage, Gloria in tow. After climbing behind the wheel, he fired up her new Cadillac and left the subdivision in silence. Sagely, she didn’t speak and add to the noise in his head.
He’d dropped her off in a matter of minutes with a promise to return for her after sunrise. She waved him off after a compassionate brush of her lips on his cheek. “You’ll figure this thing with Heavenly out. You’re too smart not to.”
Right now, Beck wasn’t sure that was true.
Once she’d disappeared into the swanky building, he steered toward the highway. He fought the urge to rush home to Heavenly. Instead, he zipped in the opposite direction, up the ramp to Interstate 15, heading north toward the desert. There were no people or chatter out here. He could think.
Turning on both the heat and the stereo, Beck sped down the long, flat highway, not even sure where he was going. Was he running from his future…or facing his past?
As he sailed through the tiny town of Mesquite and zoomed over the border into Arizona, Beck had his answer. Past it was.
What could he possibly hope to find in the shithole he’d abandoned long ago? Closure? Forgiveness?
Answers.
Gloria was right. If he ever wanted more out of his relationships than pain and meaningless sex—if he wanted to figure out if he had any future with Heavenly—he had to come to terms with the nightmare he’d left behind.
Ninety minutes later, the mountain peaks reached toward the stars. Dread gnawed at him. But he’d come this far; he wasn’t stopping now. So Beck stomped on the gas pedal. It didn’t take long before familiar signs lured him off the interstate and onto another highway. His gut clenched as he traveled the last long minutes to hell.
Finally, he slowed, pulling into the all-too-familiar gas station and cutting the engine. The place looked older.
He stepped from the car. It was colder here, the air thinner, the wind more brutal.
Quickly, he pulled out his wallet and slid his credit card into the slot. He’d rather not be here, but after a couple of hours on the road, Gloria’s tank was empty, and this was the only game in town. He didn’t have a choice.
Didn’t that sum up his entire childhood?
As he stood pumping gas, he gritted his teeth against the wind and stared inside the run-down convenience store. Déjà vu slammed his system. He’d been here a hundred fucking times, holding his mother’s hand
