Almost challengingly, like he could sense that Sullivan was amused by him and he wanted to undermine it, Tobias asked, “Why haven’t you spanked me?”
Sullivan’s smile slipped off his face. He considered and discarded a half-dozen responses before finally saying, “Why would I?”
Tobias shrugged. “It all goes together, doesn’t it? Whips and chains and BDSM...spanking’s part of it.”
“You know that how?”
“CSI.”
“Jesus.” Sullivan might’ve laughed if he wasn’t feeling like he might suffocate any minute. “Kink doesn’t have to include pain. Not everyone likes it. So I didn’t bring it up.”
“Kink doesn’t have to include edging or anal, either, and you brought those up without knowing if I’d like them.” Tobias darted a glance at him. Whatever Sullivan’s expression was doing—he honestly wasn’t sure—made Tobias add, “It’s okay if you don’t want to, but...do you want to hurt me?”
Sullivan considered lying. It was the sort of question with a clear right answer; social expectation demanded a no. It would be easier to lie, too, because then they could be done with it. He wasn’t sure what could be gained from this conversation in the first place. Tobias might seem all right talking about the subject theoretically, but pain wasn’t like other elements of kink. Wanting to tease someone wasn’t the same as wanting to hurt them. Sooner or later Tobias would see that, and it would get ugly between them, and however the blackmail thing had twisted them up to start, they’d somehow settled into something far less angry. He liked Tobias, far more than he’d expected to. He liked how light it was between them, both in bed and out, liked how they fit, and taking this into that area of kink would only screw everything up.
At the same time, it had been so long, and now that Tobias had brought it up, he couldn’t stop picturing it: Tobias lying naked across Sullivan’s thighs, his breathing fast, his cheeks firm and ready for Sullivan’s hand, all that perfect skin, warm and unblemished and...that was where Sullivan’s brain started to short circuit. He should say no, because anything else would ruin everything. But he really wanted to say yes.
In the end he didn’t say anything at all.
The silence stretched and stretched.
He realized he’d been clenching his hands around the steering wheel when Tobias started trying to peel his fingers off.
“Easy,” Tobias said quietly. “I’m not going to judge you. You’re not in trouble, and I’m not going to be mad. It’s not like I can’t guess just from your reaction.”
Of course he had. Tobias was a lot of things, but stupid wasn’t one of them. Sullivan pulled his hands free and shook out the aching joints. “You sound like a mom.”
Tobias sat back, startled. He glanced out the window at the little green house, mouth turning somber at the corners. “That’s the sort of thing Manman says when me or one of my siblings is upset. I guess the shoe fits.”
“You miss her.”
“Yes. And don’t change the subject.”
“I’m not changing the subject. Why don’t you call her?”
“Because I’m still angry. And that’s the definition of changing the subject. We were talking about your desire to hurt me and segueing into a talk about how to make that happen, and then you were all about—”
“The fuck we were segueing into making that happen.” Sullivan took a breath, forced himself to talk more slowly. “I can change the subject if I want to. It’s my conversation too. Also, no one’s saying you can’t be angry. You can call someone while you’re angry.”
Tobias sounded insultingly calm when he said, “Okay. We don’t have to do anything. And it’s better if I calm down first. Or I might end up saying something I regret.”
“If you aren’t chilled out by now, you’re never going to be. Plus, not to be a dick, but your problem doesn’t seem to be about saying things you regret so much as not saying anything at all and pretending everything is fine. You can’t get mad at people for believing your bullshit when you’re selling it to them this hard. Maybe you should try telling the truth for once; you wouldn’t have this problem.”
Tobias’s expression went slack with shock. “Wow. That’s...that’s quite the read on something you know nothing about.”
“Am I wrong?”
Tobias set his jaw. “Are you going to admit you want to hurt me?”
They stared at each other.
Neither of them answered.
Four silent hours later, when all the lights in the green house had been off for a while, they left for the night. Sullivan drove Tobias to the motel without a word.
* * *
A week shouldn’t be long enough to get addicted to the feel of someone else in bed breathing softly in the dark with you, Tobias decided around four in the morning.
* * *
Sullivan woke up to a ten-mile dawn.
Two weeks, he bitched to himself as he ran, earbuds in, the Single Mothers’ “Negative Qualities” blaring because it matched his mood. Two fucking weeks you’ve known the guy, and you’re all out of joint. Two fucking weeks and you’re acting like a sulking teenager. Get your shit together.
Even after he’d run himself into exhaustion and taken a hot shower, he still felt unsettled. His skin had somehow shrunk overnight, and he didn’t fit right in his own body. Nothing fit right.
Chapter Sixteen
Because he was determined to act like an adult, Sullivan made a thermos of coffee for Tobias as well as himself before he went to the motel. They hadn’t explicitly said they’d meet up today, but Sullivan had enough experience with Tobias’s determination by this point to know he wasn’t going to get away with avoiding him just because they’d argued. He was unsurprised to find him waiting outside, hair still damp from a shower, eyes bloodshot and heavy.
Sullivan drove them out to Cindy Jackman’s house and collected the cheap watch from behind her tire. Once again, she hadn’t
