“I don’t know if threatened is the right word,” Sullivan started, but Tobias just looked at him, clear and sweet and vaguely admonishing. “Yeah, all right, good word.”
“Maybe I didn’t do anything wrong, but I can still be sorry that you felt that way.”
Sullivan supposed that made sense. And if it was what Tobias felt, well...wasn’t that the whole point of this? “Okay. Thanks.”
“Okay.” Tobias’s shoulders straightened. “I feel better.”
“Yeah? Me too.”
“Although I’d like to ask some questions, if I can. Figure out where we stand. We haven’t talked much. About the sex stuff, yeah, but not about where we’re coming from and what we want, so—”
“You mentioned casual, that first day,” Sullivan said slowly. “I don’t know how much casual sex you’ve had, but this—what we’ve been doing—doesn’t fit my definition of it.”
“It doesn’t feel casual,” Tobias admitted. “Maybe that first day, a little, but it shifted. I’m not sure how to get back to that first day. Probably less kissing? Sleepovers are...maybe not...” He sounded unexcited at the prospect at another night at the motel, which was a small comfort.
“I don’t think I want to. Go back, I mean.” Sullivan’s stomach tightened at the surprised pleasure on Tobias’s face.
“You don’t? You like where we are?”
“I like kissing you. I don’t want to stop kissing you.”
Tobias’s cheeks flushed again, and his lips curved in a small, shy smile. “I don’t want to stop either.” He squeezed Sullivan’s fingers and opened his mouth to add something else, and then stalled out.
“Say it.” Sullivan nudged his knee.
“No, I will. I’m just not sure what to say. I don’t trust myself.”
“What do you mean?”
“My life is a mess right now. I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know where I’m going or how, and I’ve been making a bunch of huge decisions in a short span of time and it’s all sort of awful.”
“Oh.”
“Except for you,” Tobias added hurriedly. “You’re the only part of my life right now that I’m not half-tempted to drop in a lake, but I’ve been feeling very impulsive lately. I like it, but it’s probably not a great time for me to make any promises.” He paused, his thumb tracing over Sullivan’s hand like he was relishing the texture of Sullivan’s skin. “You’re amazing and I like you a lot, but I don’t want to give you false expectations. I want this, but I don’t trust my mental state enough to know that I’ll keep wanting it. That sounds really mean, I know, but you wanted me to be honest, and that’s where I am. Is that okay? I understand if you want to go back to being professional.”
“If it’s what you feel comfortable with, it’s okay.” Sullivan didn’t have to like it to respect it. He also didn’t think he was required to lay on the line how much the idea of Tobias deciding that all he’d wanted was a fling bothered him. That was his problem, and saying so might make Tobias feel guilty. He was giving Sullivan the honesty he’d asked for, daring to trust Sullivan to handle it the way he’d claimed he would. Sullivan wasn’t going to screw it up now just because it wasn’t the answer he’d wanted.
And as much as Tobias might think otherwise, this was an answer. If Tobias thought he should keep one foot out the door, there was a reason for it. Maybe it was because he was making a bunch of changes. Maybe it was because he already knew that this new, better person he wanted to be wouldn’t have the same inclination for dirty sex with some guy he’d known for two weeks.
Either way, Sullivan wasn’t going to hold his breath.
He said, “I’m cool with playing things by ear. We’ll stick with maybe, and when things get a bit more settled for you, we’ll talk about it again. Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Tobias smiled, the tension in his shoulders dissipating.
Sullivan heaved a deep breath. He would just have to keep his head together.
Tobias asked, “Does that mean I get to ask you nosy questions about the spanking thing or not?”
Sullivan’s throat went tight and he reminded himself to chill. “Yeah, ask what you want. I promise this time that if I don’t want to talk about something, I won’t be a dick about it.”
“Okay. But first...” Tobias leaned in, gaze searching, and kissed Sullivan’s mouth. Sullivan kissed him back for as long as he dared, and it wasn’t enough by far, but eventually he pulled back.
“On a stakeout,” he reminded them both, licking his lips, and Tobias nodded.
“I know. I just needed to do that.”
Sullivan’s heart did a stupid tumbling thing in his chest, and he directed his attention to Cindy Jackman’s front door. “No problem.”
“So...” Tobias was still holding his hand and playing with his fingers. It was soothing, and even though Sullivan should probably take his hand back, he didn’t. It might make the rest of this conversation easier. “Before we get back to the question of whether or not you want to hurt me, I thought maybe I should ask why you seem so unhappy about answering me. Is it related to the reason why you’re out of practice with, um, the kind of sex we’re having?”
Sullivan gave him a wry glance. “Do you make a habit out of being insightful? It’s annoying.”
“Sorry.” Tobias didn’t sound sorry so much as amused.
“Yeah, I guess it is.”
“You don’t have to tell me. I’ll understand. But if you want to, whatever it is, I’m not going to laugh or be mean. I’m a good listener. Or so I’ve been told.”
Sullivan studied Tobias’s smile, the kind curve of it. It was a lovely smile, one that both reassured and warmed.
