“Don’t beat yourself up. You aren’t the bad guy here. From where I’m sitting, you’re one of the good ones.”
How sure was she? What if she had made the wrong call? What if this was her fault?
“Come here.” Riley took her hand and tugged.
She let him pull her around until they sat next to each other. He wrapped his arm around her waist and hugged her. She closed her eyes and leaned into him, soaking up his strength. He kissed the top of her head, sending a spiral of want through her body. She didn’t want to forget what had happened as much as she wanted to remember she was human.
Erin slid her hands around him. Nothing as warm as him could be fake. He was here, and this was real. She hugged him back and buried her face against his shoulder, inhaling the smell of soap and freshly washed man.
“It’s going to be okay,” he whispered again.
She wanted to believe that, but sometimes things happened that were out of their control. Like getting kidnapped and those days in the dark cellar. She’d never been more alone in her life, and during that time she’d thought about what her family would think and grieve about her. That was when she’d realized she wasn’t leaving a whole hell of a lot behind. Sure, her parents and sister would miss her, but she’d been absent from their lives for years. Her death would simply put an end to phone calls and cards.
Erin wanted to matter to someone. She wanted to hold onto another person and know they felt the same way about her. She wanted to stop being alone. Give up this pretense that her life was fine. It wasn’t. She wasn’t. She’d followed her heart when she chose this job, but it was slowly killing her by forcing her to be alone.
“Hey. Hey, don’t cry,” Riley whispered.
He cupped her cheek and lifted her chin. His face blurred from the tears. Great, one more thing to add to her list of mortifying events with Riley. She should start keeping one of those invisible tallies. She wiped at her cheeks, unsure when she’d begun leaking.
“Come here.” Riley hooked his arm under her knees and lifted her into his lap.
8.
SATURDAY, ERBIL ROTANA, Erbil, Kurdistan.
Erin put her head on Riley’s shoulder.
His comfort made the soul eating misery worse. At every turn he’d been there for her, even when he shouldn’t have. He’d broken rules for her, shown her kindness without pity. He was her sweaty, dirty hero.
“What’s wrong? Tell me how to fix it.” He stroked her face, his fingers drying her tears.
How did she tell him everything she’d said about herself was a lie? That she’d bought into this idea she could do it all, be a one-woman army, and she couldn’t. There was no one to blame but herself. She’d chosen this path.
“You can’t help me. Not really.” She sat up, putting a little distance between them.
“Try me. Come on.” He tugged on her hair.
Riley was one of the good ones. But what she needed he couldn’t give her. “I should just try to get some sleep,” she muttered.
“No, talk to me.” He wrapped some hair around her finger that simple action holding her hostage.
She swallowed.
The kind of help she needed was years of emotional support. A human connection. Someone to grow old with. Hell, maybe have those kids her mother kept bugging her about. She wanted to change her life, to be with someone. But she couldn’t force him into that role, no matter how much she liked him or how he made her laugh.
“Erin? Are you going to make me cash in my points?”
“I don’t think you have enough.”
“Sure I do.” He smiled at her. The starlight seemed to twinkle in his green eyes. There was something almost boyish about him like this.
She swallowed and her heart did that first, painful twinge. It was like an acrobat’s hop before a leap. She clenched her hand in the terry cloth fabric of her robe and braced herself for the free falling rush of her heart diving into feelings she had no business having for a man she’d known for a day.
“What’s going on in there?” he whispered.
“Nothing.” Erin gathered her robe around her and stood. She couldn’t tell him her foolish heart was falling for him. Her head knew better, but this was a losing battle. Riley pulled her back onto his lap.
“It’s never nothing.” He nuzzled her cheek. “How can I make you smile again?”
Erin closed her eyes. By being as much of a hopeless, silly romantic as she was? She’d tried to smother this part of her, refuse it existed, but the truth was she’d always wanted a partnership. Joining the army had given her that for a time, but she craved something deeper. Something on a personal level. Sex was merely a bandage for her deeper needs.
Riley kissed the corner of her mouth, his lips lingering against her skin.
She swallowed. Did she take what he was offering? It wouldn’t be enough, but for a few moments she’d feel like it was. Where was the harm? She was already going to have a broken heart to nurse. Might as well make the best memories to hold onto, because in a day or two, he’d be gone and all she’d have were these moments together to keep her company. At least until she figured herself out.
Erin turned her head slightly, not much. Barely a fraction of an inch. It was her unspoken permission.
Riley pushed his fingers through her hair and gave it a little tug, pulling her face toward him. His nose bumped her cheek. She swallowed and her stomach knotted. The heat unfurling in her stomach rolled through her.
She hungered for Riley. It was illogical, and she knew it, but it didn’t stop her heart from going into a full swan dive. At least he was one of the good ones. Her only
