The days turned to weeks, and there was no word from Andrew. On several occasions, my controlling nature had reared its head and I’d picked up my phone to text him, but put it down again. I had to figure out the boundaries. The calendar entry for that particular day already had something huge on it, anyway. It was the day of my twenty-week scan. Kate had offered to come with me since Megan and Sam were off for a spa weekend. After sunning themselves in the Maldives, they’d returned inseparable. I’d refused Kate’s offer. It felt like something I should do alone. It was a special, private moment between me and my baby.
As I sat with a full bladder outside the sonographer’s office, I stared at the orange-and-grey-checked flooring, going back and forth over whether or not I should find out the baby’s sex. It didn’t matter, really. I just wanted a healthy baby, but I needed to get the nursery ready and buy all the clothes and accessories before the baby arrived, as I knew there would be no time after.
A pair of black polished shoes appeared on the orange vinyl square before my own. I glanced up to see who was invading my personal space, and the shock of the face before me was almost too much for my near-bursting bladder.
‘James?’ I swallowed back my surprise.
He pursed his lips and sat on the seat next to me. ‘I thought I should be here.’
‘I suppose now you don’t work, your secondary priorities can take a lead and I doubt you’re quite the office catch now that you’re on the yellow brick road to bankruptcy.’
‘Charlotte, there’s no need for this. I’m here, and I came to see my baby. Isn’t that what you wanted?’ He sat back in the chair, obviously not going anywhere.
‘I wanted you to realise what’s important in life. How did you even know about the scan anyway?’
‘You’re appointment was written on the back of the twelve-week scan card.’
‘Well, it’s a start.’ I folded my arms and we sat like that in silence until the sonographer’s voice cut through the thick atmosphere.
‘Ms Emsworth?’
When we both stood up she looked a little surprised, but she motioned us into the small, dark room anyway. There was a chair next to the bed that James sat on while I lay down, wriggling down the elasticated waist of my jeans to expose my rounded bump. James’s eyes bulged a little in surprise, and I realised he’d never seen me without an ironing-board stomach before. It was odd to feel like a stranger to him, but I settled into the feeling.
‘Now before we start, would you like to know the sex of the baby?’ the sonographer asked.
‘Yes,’ I said, at the same as James said, ‘No!’
We looked at each other. ‘I’m finding out!’ I said.
‘You can’t – it’s not the way my family does things,’ he said like it mattered.
I let out a dry, humourless snigger. ‘I am not your family any more!’ I turned to the sonographer, who looked a little spooked. ‘Yes please.’
‘But, Charlotte—’
‘Get out of the room if you don’t want to know,’ I said through gritted teeth.
He stayed rooted to the chair and nodded as the lady squirted cold gel all over my tummy. It wasn’t long before we could make out the shape of a mini human – when it stayed still, that was. Two arms, two legs and a strong heartbeat – it was perfect. My hand became warm, and I realised James had taken it. I snatched it back before I had time to consider how nice it felt.
‘Okay, so I know the gender. Would you like to know?’ she said. I nodded, and James stayed quiet.
‘It’s a girl.’ As soon as she said it, my eyes teared up and my heart swelled with love. I couldn’t look at James. I didn’t want to see his reaction; his respect for women wasn’t good enough for us yet. I wiped my tummy and thanked the sonographer before we both left the office and took a seat in silence whilst we waited for our photographs.
‘My mother would really like a say in the name,’ James said eventually.
‘I’m sure she would, but she’ll be lucky enough to have her surname on the birth certificate,’ I said, and he looked up with a shocked expression. ‘Relax, I’m winding you up. Despite everything you came today and you’re still her father.’
‘What will the divorce mean for me and the baby?’ he asked eventually.
‘Whatever you want it to mean. I’m happy for you to come round whenever you want, take her out, take her to see Granny Frances.’ I smirked at ‘Granny Frances’ – his mother would hate that term.
‘Will you have full custody?’
‘I don’t know how it works, but she’ll need to be with me unless you can breastfeed.’
James sighed and nodded. ‘I’m happy with what you’ve suggested. I’ve got to rebuild my life, and at the moment, I can’t support a baby financially, but I do want to be there for her.’
‘Good. You’re making progress.’ I sighed; maybe he was turning a corner.
He shuffled a little. ‘The house is on the market.’
I suppressed a gasp. I suppose I knew he’d to have to sell the house, but it was the only piece of my old life that was still intact, not that it mattered any more.
Before I could reply, a nurse approached us with the scan pictures. I thanked her and handed one to James before pausing. ‘Here’s another one. For your mother.’ It pained me, but I had ordered four copies as I thought I’d keep one to send to my parents if they ever got in touch and stayed in one place long enough.
‘Thank you,’ he said, taking it. ‘I appreciate it.’
‘And thank you for not disputing the divorce.’
His jaw tightened. ‘After everything, there was no disputing
