‘I appreciate that,’ I said. ‘Goodbye, James.’
As he walked away, my resolve started to unravel. I dashed to my car and bundled myself in quickly before I fell to pieces completely. The scan photo was still in my hand. Glancing down at it, I could just about make out the tiny little form of my daughter. The sonographer had said she looked healthy. Two legs, two arms, two eyes, and a strong heart. A strong heart. She was going to need it in this world. Her own father was a heartbreaker for God’s sake.
The twenty-week scan made everything more real – finding out the gender made it all more real. I was going to have a baby girl and I had no idea what I was doing. I’d no experience with babies. Panic set in and emotions bubbled and boiled throughout my body before I heaved out some big ugly sobs. What if I wasn’t enough for her? She was supposed to have a life without worry, live in a big house, go to private school, and have nice holidays; she wasn’t supposed to grow up scrimping. Had I denied her that right? ‘Oh God, I’ve failed her,’ I said aloud. My phone rang so I wiped my face on my sleeve before answering.
‘Hello.’ I sniffed.
‘How did it go?’ Megan was chipper and excitable and it was only serving to make me feel worse.
‘She’s fine. Everything’s fine.’ I couldn’t force any cheer into my tone.
‘Well, that’s great isn’t it?’ She trailed off, picking up on my melancholy.
‘I just don’t know if I can raise a child, Megan.’ I started to cry again.
‘Oh, Charlotte, of course you can.’
‘What if I can’t breastfeed her or put a nappy on right? What if she’s upset and I can’t comfort her?’
‘Oh, Charlotte! It’s natural to panic. So what if you put a nappy on wrong? She’ll get a bit of wee on herself, or you, and you’ll clean it up and move on!’
I chuckled. I could cope with that.
‘And so what if you can’t breastfeed – bottle feed, it’s not a big deal! If anyone can do this, you can.’
‘Thank you, Megan.’ I sighed. ‘Do you think it was selfish of me to bankrupt us just to teach James a lesson? I’ve basically stripped my daughter of everything she should have had.’ I didn’t care if I was having a boy or a girl but knowing the gender humanised the little thing in my tummy and my motherly instinct had intensified within the hour.
‘No.’ It was a firm no. ‘You were right – material stuff doesn’t matter and realising that will make James a better person, and father hopefully. She’ll inherit your kindness, your generosity, and that’s more important than superficial stuff.’
‘I know that, but still, I don’t want to let her down.’
‘But nothing – you won’t let her down. She doesn’t need that stuff, she needs love! Look how long it took you to turn into a nice person.’ It was tongue-in-cheek but she was right. ‘You’ll always have us: your friends. We’ll be there every step of the way. Promise.’
I smiled through the facial sogginess. ‘Thank you. I’m going to need you guys.’
***
‘Mrs Emsworth – some good news for you. I have a completion date for your property,’ the cheerful legal secretary announced on the phone the following week.
My heart bounced with excitement. ‘When?’
‘Friday the twenty-fourth,’ she replied.
I almost squealed. ‘That’s next Friday!’ I had so much to do.
‘It is. Now, we’ll try and arrange it so you can pick the keys up at noon.’
I barely registered anything she said after that. I couldn’t believe my life was slowly coming back together after being ripped down the middle.
After an afternoon of packing up whatever belongings I had left that I wouldn’t need over the next week or so, I slumped into Megan’s squishy sofa and closed my eyes. Thoughts of Moses baskets and cribs filled my mind before everything turned black.
My phone buzzed, waking me from my dreamless sleep. I sat upright and grabbed my glowing phone off the table, almost falling off the sofa when I saw who had messaged me.
Thought I’d see how you are. I’ve been in Italy for a few weeks over the summer holidays. Thought I’d try out travelling again. A x
It had been a while since I’d last heard from him and I was worried our friendship had fizzled out. My fingers keyed frantically at the screen, my brain barely able to keep up.
That sounds wonderful. How was it? x
I stared at the screen eagerly, hoping for a reply.
Beautiful! I tried somewhere new, as I didn’t want to taint the memories Beth and I had made. This trip was about making new memories . . . I sound like a right morbid sod, don’t I?
I smiled.
Of course not. You lost your wife, you get a ‘morbid sod’ pass. X
My chest ached for him. I’d been so fortunate in life and taken it all for granted.
Phew! How about ‘sad old loner, travels Italy on his own?’ X
My chest panged again.
There’s no pass for that. x
I giggled and hoped he knew I was joking but sent another message straight after to make sure.
It’s okay. I’m only not alone because there’s a human inside me . . . Otherwise, I too would be in your sad old loner club.
His reply came instantly.
I don’t think that’s going to work for me ;)
I smiled, glad he’d picked up on my humorous tone.
It’s really quite a shame. There are so many perks, no one judges you for taking a nap in the afternoon, you can eat a second slice of cake without any “are you sure” glances and your hair gets all thick and glossy. X
I fidgeted anxiously while I waited for a reply.
It
