‘And again.’
Then the door burst open. ‘Oh, thank God, I’m not too late!’ It was James.
‘I sent him a message from your phone,’ Andrew said. ‘I hope you don’t mind.’
Pain surged through me. At that moment in time, I didn’t care.
‘Push!’
Andrew’s hand was replaced by James’s and he slipped out of the room. I didn’t want him to leave. He was technically my birthing partner but through the pain and the gas and air, I never managed to communicate my thoughts.
‘I’m so glad I made it,’ James said, stroking my hair. I wanted to yell at him to get off, but I didn’t. I was too focused on getting the baby out.
‘Okay, I see the head, nearly there,’ the midwife said. ‘Push.’
I batted James’s hand away and pushed. ‘Aggh’ and almighty pain tore through my lady parts. I was panting, completely worn out.
‘Not long now, sweetheart,’ James said.
‘You squeeze the bloody thing out,’ I screamed.
‘Just relax, take some air,’ the midwife soothed and it took all of my resolve not to bite her head off too. ‘Are you ready? It’s the shoulders next. Push.’
I did. The hot tearing sensation wasn’t as bad that time and I could feel myself she was nearly out. One last contraction forced me to push before the midwife spoke.
‘She’s coming, she’s here,’ the midwife said as I panted for breath.
The midwife placed a tiny person on my chest and for a little while, time froze as I stared into her perfect little eyes. She was beautiful. Love at first sight does exist.
‘Alert little thing,’ the midwife said, acknowledging her open eyes. She was; she took in everything but most of all, me. I was in love.
Not long after the midwife took her and wiped her down. She was handed back to me in a nappy, BabyGro and pink woolly hat.
‘She’s perfect.’ James smiled.
For a moment it all felt perfect, like a glimpse into how it should have been. But I’d be going home to my cottage, and James would return to the apartment he’d apparently moved into. I had to remind myself that just because he was an awful husband, it didn’t mean he would be a bad father.
‘Am I too late?’ Frances’s voice pierced my eardrums as she burst through the door. ‘Oh, what a little beauty!’ she said making a beeline towards us. ‘And does she have a name yet? I still have lots of ideas.’
‘I’ve been thinking about names,’ I continued. ‘And I really like Penelope Rose.’
Frances didn’t say anything; instead, she actually smiled.
James nodded in agreement. ‘I like it.’
‘Would you like to hold her?’ I offered, realising I’d hogged her all to myself. As he took her from me I instantly regretted offering; I just wanted my warm little precious bundle back.
‘Oh, she has your features, Charlotte,’ Frances said, stooping over my daughter. ‘She looks just like you.’ She stopped short of getting too close to James. I had no idea whether they’d been in contact or what had been said but it was the first time Frances had been anything but doting over her precious son.
They left about an hour later and I lay back down, staring at my precious Penelope Rose. I kept saying her name over and over in my head until I knew it was perfect for her.
There was a knock at the door, and Andrew popped his head round. ‘Am I allowed a look?’ he said, smiling.
‘I can’t believe you’re still here.’
‘Are you kidding? We’re on a date!’ There was a mischievous glint in his eye. ‘Besides, you’d have to call security if you want me removed.’ He hovered over for a look, and our faces were impossibly close. ‘She’s beautiful,’ he whispered, his eyes locking on to mine for a moment too long. I wondered if he’d kiss me, or perhaps he thought it inappropriate. He kissed my forehead instead. ‘Well done, you were amazing.’ My heart swelled with love – not just for Penelope, but for my life.
‘Well this looks cosy.’ Kate burst in, Megan and Sam following behind her. ‘Congratulations!’ they all cheered in unison.
A wide grin spread across my face. I couldn’t wait for them to see her.
‘Ahh, she’s beautiful,’ Megan said, giving me a hug. Andrew sloped back and sat on the chair in the corner of the room to let them have a look.
‘And if she doesn’t grow into that nose by the time she’s eighteen, we can have it fixed. I know a great surgeon,’ Kate said. I frowned at her in response, but even Kate’s comments couldn’t penetrate my happy bubble.
‘Well, I think she’s perfect,’ Megan said.
‘She’s a little cute thing,’ Sam added.
‘Nice long legs,’ Kate said. I think that was her attempt at warmth.
I reluctantly passed Penelope around for them each to have a cuddle. Though Kate held her with the same love and affection as Baby in Dirty Dancing when she was carrying a watermelon, I did notice a soft, gushy expression wash over her as she glanced down at Penelope.
***
The weeks after Penelope joined the world were a blur. No sleep, minimal adult interaction, and pure bliss. There had been a stream of visitors to our tiny little cottage but most of the time, I enjoyed it best when it was just the two of us. Andrew had visited a fair few times; he had a knack of turning up when I needed him the most, such as after a stressful morning of unfathomable crying or after four consecutive poonamis. On one occasion, he turned up at three p.m. to find me un-showered and still in my pyjamas.
‘Let me hold her,’ he’d said. It was a relief to hand her over for a moment and to be able to use my arms for my own gain for a minute or two.
‘Thank you.’ I sighed. ‘She’s been crying non-stop. She’s been fed, winded, her nappy is clean,
