“The sane rot in Hell”
“The busted get placed in jail”
“And you ain’t never going to prevail, over the shadows” “Who do you think youare?”
“You think that you got what it takes to beat me?”
“Your soul is mine, and you ain’t ever going to be free.” “Cause you don’t got whatit takes, to beat the shadows.” “Darkness will always destroy the light”
“Give up, girl, cause you don’t know how to fight.”
“Cause you don’t got what it takes, to beat the shadows.
The song ended with an earth shattering crescendo, “Give it up girl, you can’t fight,darkness will always destroy the light. The chorus chimed in with the reoccurring pitch,give it up girl, you ain’t right, jus kill ya self and it could all end tonight.”
“It could all end tonight” “It could all end tonight.” “It could all end tonight.”
It was truly unbearable for me. I wanted the voices to stop! I wanted to bring this allto an end, and the only way to do that would be to kill myself. Yes, that is what I neededto do! The door flung open. A featherweight man was standing in the middle of it. Iclobbered him with my fist and pushed him down to the ground. I trampled over him likea doormat in a desperate attempt to escape. I had to do it. I had to end it all. He grabbedmy leg and I fell to the ground. I began to crawl out the doorway kicking and screaming.My feet smashed into his face. He released me, and I shot up and began to run full force.
I continued down the hallway, testing the knobs to each bedroom door, only to findthem locked. I ran into the recreation room and focused on throwing myself out of itsonly window. I screamed from aggravation once I learned that the window was barredfrom the outside. I began to punch the glass with the intentions of breaking the window. Ineeded to end this, now! The song was still playing in my mind.
“Give it up, girl; you can’t fight”
“And you ain’t ever going to find the light”
“Cause you don’t got what it takes, to beat the shadows.”
My fist soon became swollen and bloody from the cuts and the accumulation of freshblood. I could feel the shadows moving around me. They started to grabble with me andone managed to pin me down to the ground. I struggled and cried out of frustration whenI found that I couldn’t move my body. Suddenly, there was darkness and my body wentnumb. No! No! This is not what I wanted. I wanted it to end. I wanted it all to end.
Chapter Fourteen
"Dinner at six,” the attendant said before she slammed the door shut. I looked aroundthe empty room. I had really set the world on fire. It was remarkable how my life wentfrom bad to worse in a matter of minutes. I walked over and sat on my bed hunchback. Ididn’t know how I felt. They had injected me with a bunch of shit. And then the nextthing I knew I was committed to the psych ward at East Shore Medical Center. They toldme that I had tried to commit suicide, that I had a violent outburst and attacked one of thenight guards. But I didn’t remember any of it.
They had stripped me of everything: belts, shoelaces, and even my books. I guessthey believed that I would beat myself to death with one of them. I sighed. This sucks. Ithought that therapy was supposed to help me, but for some reason, it made everythingworse. The memories were just too painful, and thinking about them aroused emotionsthat made me uncontrollable and violent. They put thoughts into your head, evil andwicked thoughts, a voice inside of me prattled.
I know, please don’t do this now. Just give me a few minutes of peace. I looked overat the digital clock on the mantle. It blinked, 4:30. I had plenty of time. The worse thingabout being crazy and locked away was the time, I had too much of it. There was a tiradeof thoughts going on in my head. One voice stood out. I jumped up, standing at attentionlike a soldier and perked my ears to try and concentrate on the voice. Was it mine? Orwas it someone else’s? The explosion of voices made me feel lightheaded. I lookedaround the room confused. I sighed with relief when I realized that the sounds werecoming from the clock radio. I must have left it on. I walked over to turn it off. When Iheard it again.
“Nelly.” I flinched, like I had just placed my hand on a hot stove. No! It couldn’t be.Flustered, I adjusted the knob to try and get better reception. There was a whole bunch ofvoices, but they all sounded muffled, like they were drowning in a sea of static. Then Iheard it, as clear as day.
“Nelly.”
I jerked back and covered my mouth with my hands. I scurried to the far side of theroom, like a frightened mouse. I couldn’t believe this was happening. Was someonereally speaking to me through the radio?
“Nelly, it’s me.” The voice seemed to be yelling loudly over a vociferous mist.I lowered my hands, like a shield and walked closer to the radio.
“Momma.”
There was nothing.
“Momma,” I yelled again, hoping that I hadn’t lost her. “Nelly, I am here.”“Momma, you left me here, alone with the shadows.” “Shush, Nelly, you got to keep
quiet or they’ll hear you.” “I’m scared Momma, so scared.”
“I know baby, I know.
Chapter FifteenLuisa
The most vivid memory that I have is of my abuela dying. I remember being veryyoung, around five or six and I was roaming around the house like a ghost. There weretwo women engaged in a conversation.
“Does anyone know where the child is going to go?” The daughter asked.“They can’t find her momma, so she’s going to have to go Saint Alexis Children’s
Home,” The mother replied. “They’re not going to try and find Maria?”“You
