My eyes shifted back to the television. There was a succession of images, thoughts,and sounds, passing through my mind. I couldn’t focus on anything anymore. It was justtoo hard to watch television. I blinked a couple of times and asked myself what washappening to me.
“Split mind,” a voice said. “What?” I mumbled.
“Split mind,” the voice repeated. I looked around the room; feeling like God hadspoken to me from the heavens. I focused on the television and leaned forward in mychair. There were two lovers engaged in a heated conversation.
“Set them on fire, burn them away. That’s the only way to get rid of the shadows,”the woman in the movie said.
“Yes, set them on fire. Let them burn,” the man hissed. “Burn what? Burn who?” Iyelled at the television. “Shush!” someone beside me said.
The woman on the screen turned and looked at me. Her eyes were wide andpleading. “Go back and burn them alive,” she said. “No! No! No! No! I can’t do that!” Iscreamed while shooting up from my seat.
“Okay, alright, settle down everything is okay,” an attendant in scrubs said as hewalked over and grabbed my arm.
“No, everything is not okay. They want me to burn, they want me to burn myselfalive,” I said wavering on my feet. I couldn’t stand. I was terrified, the shadows were outto get me and they weren’t going to stop. They weren’t ever going to stop until I ended itall.
“Easy now, I am going to take you back to your room for a little while, so you havesome time to settle down,” the attendant said, tugging on my arm.
“I need you to help me; I need someone to help me,” I pleaded. “We’re here to helpyou, for now I need to separate you from the group. I’m going to call Dr. Ontarian andyou’ll be able to sit with her in about thirty-minutes. Do you think that you’ll be okayuntil then?”
I shook my head.
“I am not going anywhere. I’m not going to let anything happen to you,” he saidreassuringly.
I looked back at the television. Someone had hit the pause button. However, thelovers who were engaged in a passionate argument were gone. The screen was nowblack. I could see my reflection in it. I didn’t recognize myself. I turned to face it headon, and squinted as the reflection changed. It got bigger and then began to pulsate as ifthe TV was about to short circuit. Then I saw flashes of an image, a giant woman withcurly black hair. She stood with her hands on her hips with her feet spread wide apart.
“Split mind,” she yelled, and her voice was so penetrating that it brought me to myknees.
“Burn them up. Burn them up. Burn them up!” Maria yelled through the television.
“No, I can’t do it. I can’t do it alone. I need help. Please. Please. Please. Someonehelp me,” I cried while holding my hands over my ears and dropping down to the floor.
~ ~ ~
Chapter Twenty-OneMaria
Nelly, you don’t know me. That’s the problem with you kids today. You don’t knowshit. I don’t blame you though. You don’t know that it takes twice as much work tosuffer, to feel sorry for yourself than to try and make things better. Trust me, Nelly, Iknow, I rolled with the best of them. I was married to Nico for years, and I watched asmy life turn into shit. I have a lot of regrets, mostly that I didn’t listen to my ownmomma. I never knew how lucky I was to have someone like her.
You are a lot like your great abuela, but dumber. She knew about the power that wasstored inside of us, and she damn well knew how to use it. She wasn’t pretty, but sheknew how to get what she wanted. Folks said that she was a saint, a gift from God.People would stop her on the streets and thank her for miraculously curing a sick baby, orprotecting someone from evil, or bringing back a lost lover. Your great abuela would justshake her head and say, it’s God’s work. Its God’s work.
She was so right. It was God’s work. You kids today are so fucking spoiled. Youdon’t know how you got here, and you don’t have enough sense to care. There is ahistory, a legacy about your linage that you don’t know. Nelly, we are a family of healers.You great abuela and her mother before that worked to heal people. Your ancestorsworked to heal slaves, poor whites and Indians. It’s not like you think, back in thosetimes people didn’t run to the doctor when they felt a little bit of pain. No. People workeduntil they were exhausted, and when it got to a point where they believed that theycouldn’t go on, they called healers.
The healers didn’t only nurse them back to health physically, but spiritually. It wasthe trust in the land and the guidance of the ancestors that enabled them to survive. Theyshowed them which herbs to look for, which plants to eat, how to grow and harvest crops.Mostly, they helped them to not lose themselves. It takes one generation to break atradition. And over the years, a lot of knowledge has been lost because fools like youmake no effort to learn about yourself. But it’s my fault too; I let a lot of knowledge slipaway.
These nasty putas that you watch on TV don’t know shit about being a real woman.Your great abuela knew. She didn’t accept things the way they were. Hell no, shebelieved that she was in charge of her own life, her own fate. She proved herself too, withyour great abuelo Pedro Juan. He was a handsome man, and one of the most wantedbachelors on the island. Chicas ailing with the broken hearts came to your great
