Ash’s stomach roiled as if she’d just completed a full loop on a rollercoaster. “What you feel?”
Carmen turned back to face her. “Yes.” She huffed out a breath. “Don’t make me spell it out. Being rejected once was bad enough.”
“I didn’t realise.” Ash’s voice just made it past her tight throat. Carmen seemed to be saying that her feelings for Ash ran deeper than Ash had dared to believe—or accept. She didn’t know what to do with this. Even if Carmen felt more than a crush or infatuation, that still left Ash facing the prospect of risking her own feelings in a way she’d sworn not to do again.
Carmen barked out a hollow laugh. “I thought I’d made it pretty clear before you went away.” She leaned forward slightly. “Did you think I was just like Felicity?”
Guilt and confusion coursed through Ash. “Yeah, actually.”
Carmen closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths before again meeting Ash’s gaze. “I’m not curious,” she said quietly, her cheeks flushed. “Not just having some fleeting thought about what it might be like. It’s all about you, Ash. I love spending time with you. I love talking and laughing with you. I also find you incredibly sexy, and when I’m not with you, I can’t stop thinking about you.”
“I think about you a lot, too.” Wait, where had that come from? Panic surged through Ash. “I mean, I enjoy spending time with you. As a friend. Maybe that’s what’s confusing you, having a lesbian as a friend.” Ash attempted a smile, but it barely lifted the corners of her mouth.
Carmen glared at her. “I’ve been friends with a few lesbians for years now, and not once have I felt for them what I feel for you. And just because I haven’t felt this way about a woman before doesn’t mean my feelings now, for you, are superficial, or aren’t valid. As much as Sophie is experiencing something new, so am I. Why aren’t you treating my feelings the same way you are hers? Are the rules different for a fourteen-year-old discovering her sexuality compared to a forty-three-year-old?”
Ash swallowed hard. She didn’t want to put down Carmen’s feelings, but she also needed to protect herself. “No, of course not. I’m sorry. Truly. I should never have joked about this.”
Carmen’s posture eased somewhat.
“But the thing is,” Ash continued, needing to explain, if she could, why Carmen’s words made her so hesitant, “because this is all so new for you, there’s no guarantee that this is what you’ll want longer-term. Yes, your feelings are real now; I’m not saying they’re not. It’s more about how permanent or not this change for you might be.”
Carmen twisted her napkin in her hands. “Nobody can guarantee anything. I know that. And I know how nervous that is probably making you, but—”
“Hi, I’m sorry to interrupt.” Their waitress stood next to the table. “But I’ve just realised this table is reserved for someone for lunch. I’m really sorry, but I need to clear it and ask you to move.” She placed their bill down on the table.
Ash couldn’t tell which of them was more relieved by the waitress’s words, her or Carmen.
They stood, and each laid some money on top of the bill, then stepped away with the waitress’s words of gratitude following them to the street. A few paces away from the café, by unspoken agreement, they stopped and faced each other.
“I’d better get home,” Carmen said, not meeting Ash’s eye. Her face was pink, and her shoulders slumped.
Ash wanted to tell her it would all be okay, but that was something she couldn’t promise. As much as she was drawn to Carmen, her fear of getting hurt was simply too strong to throw caution to the wind and say, “Sure, let’s go for it, see where it leads us.” Even as a large part of her ached to do just that. “Okay. Which way do you go? Can I walk you?”
“I’ll head in the direction of the Tube. If I happen to see a cab en route, I’ll grab it.” Carmen finally met her eye. “If you want to walk with me, that’s fine.” She didn’t sound convinced.
Ash blew out a breath. “Thanks.”
They walked in a strained silence. Carmen led them around a corner and into a much quieter side street.
“What will you do with the rest of your day?” Ash asked.
“A little work. Some gardening.” Carmen threw her a glance. “That’s my stress reliever.”
“Sounds good. Look, I really am sorry. You’ve just really taken me by surprise with all this.”
“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. With all the things I said.” Carmen gave her half a smile. “But I did need to make you understand.”
“I know. I get that.”
Carmen looked as if she wanted to say something else, but then turned away again, her expression closed off, her head bowed.
Ash wanted to break the silence, to find a way for them to part today on better terms, but had no idea how to achieve that. I need to explain to her how I feel, but how will she understand that yes, I am attracted to her, but no, I don’t want to get involved with her? Ash didn’t even believe herself; how could she expect Carmen to?
They reached a junction with a side street. Cars were parked close to or haphazardly half on, half off the pavement.
Carmen, seemingly still wrapped up in her own thoughts, twisted to sidle through a small gap between two cars.
“Wait!” Ash jumped off the pavement, grabbed Carmen’s arm, and yanked her back just as a motorbike roared past the spot Carmen would have walked into.
Carmen landed heavily against Ash, her arms automatically reaching out to arrest her progress. Her hands landed on Ash’s waist; her chest was pressed close to Ash’s.
“Oh my God!” Carmen gasped for breath. “That was close. Thank you.”
Ash’s heart thumped. “You’re…you’re welcome.”
Carmen was so warm in Ash’s arms. So soft and
