“Well, if she thinks that about me, no wonder she ran a mile.” Her understanding rapidly gave way to anger. “Wait a minute. She thinks that I would do that? How dare she?”
Jean-Pierre smiled gently at her. “Don’t take it personally. It’s not about you. It’s the situation; I’m sure. She would be nervous of anyone who she thought was straight suddenly announcing they find her attractive. If that is the reason she’s stepped back, I mean no disrespect, but I can understand her caution.”
Carmen rubbed at her face, her tiredness now exacerbated by the three—or was it four?—glasses of champagne she’d had. “But if that is what’s going on with her, is there anything I can do to allay her fears? I mean, she’s said no to anything more than friendship, and surely I have to respect that.”
“Yes, of course,” Tristan said. “But is there any harm in starting that conversation? Not to press her into something she doesn’t want, but simply to understand her? I mean, if you want to maintain a friendship with her, wouldn’t you like to know who she is and how she thinks?”
“True.” But can I make a friendship work when I have all these feelings for her? How do I shut those down? Not to mention how hard it would be for her to hope for more and then be hurt again.
“Maybe she also needs to hear more from you about how you feel. About how this isn’t a need to have one night and that’s it. Maybe she needs to know that you have real feelings for her.” Jean-Pierre pulled her into a one-armed hug. “Because you do, don’t you?”
“Yes,” she whispered. “But having already put myself out there and been rebuffed, I have to be honest and say that the thought of telling her any more is terrifying. At this point, I’m not even sure if I want to get in contact with her at all. I don’t know what I’d say to her, how I’d be able to relax with her after my big revelation.”
“Please don’t run away from this,” Tristan said quietly. “I haven’t met many of your partners, but I know I’ve never seen you so lit up about someone as this. Something other than work has grabbed at your heart, and I for one am delighted to see it.”
It was true, but she shrank away from the implications. Life was so much simpler when work ruled her heart, not her relationships. Work never left her unable to concentrate or sleep. She’d thrown herself into her career tenfold once Lewis left. She’d never blamed him for following his calling—in a way, they were like peas in a pod when it came to their passion for their work, even though his involved working with refugees in far-flung corners of the world. But was that why she’d never properly committed to any of her subsequent relationships? Had she been scared to feel too much for someone in case they, too, left?
Given how she felt right now, grieving and hurting even though she and Ash had never even got started, maybe that fear was fully justified.
Chapter 27
The week after her trip to Paris kept Carmen busy and distracted during the days and able to spend a lot of time—too much?—thinking during the evenings. However, she was grateful for the space afforded her because she had to process all that she was feeling and all that Felicity and Tristan had said to her.
She knew the easiest thing to do would be to stop seeing Ash. Then she wouldn’t have to deal face to face with the aftermath of confessing her attraction. Nor would either of them have to figure out how to navigate their friendship with that confession hanging over them. But that would mean losing her friendship and support, things that Carmen had come to treasure so highly.
After messaging Carmen that first day or so of her trip, Ash had remained silent in the face of Carmen’s non-response. It didn’t upset Carmen; rather, it made her grateful, and she would have messaged to say thanks if it wasn’t for the fact that she didn’t want to get into a chatting situation.
But now it was Thursday, the night before Ash returned to the UK, and Carmen was still undecided about what to do. She stirred her camomile tea. Had Ash had a good trip? What animals had she seen? Carmen chuckled. Had she had any misadventures with rogue beasts? Despite everything, she was itching to hear Ash talk about Kruger and her experiences there. The memory of them sitting in the gin bar, Ash excitedly talking about all she was planning, resurfaced. It warmed Carmen, and a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.
She sipped her tea, then sat back in her chair. And I want to see her. Her heart thudded. If she wanted to meet with Ash, to talk about the trip as friends would, then she needed to treat the occasion as just that: a meeting between friends. Nothing else. No matter what anyone else might think about Ash and her motivations or feelings, she had told Carmen they would just be friends. It was that or nothing, and Carmen knew without a doubt she didn’t want nothing.
She inhaled and let the breath out slowly. “Okay,” she said aloud into the quietness of her kitchen. “Friends it is.”
Ash had just walked through her front door on Friday morning, lugging her heavy case behind her, when her phone chimed with a new text message. Assuming it was either Damian or Sophie welcoming her back, she didn’t bother to read it until she’d unpacked. When she did finally scroll open her phone’s screen and saw that the message was from Carmen, she flopped onto the sofa.
She had returned to the UK assuming their friendship was over. So many times she’d wanted to message, to ask if Carmen was okay, but if she had and she’d
