“You’d really want to do that?”
Carmen stepped back. She ran her hands through her curls, a gesture that always mesmerised Ash, and puffed out a loud breath. “Not right now, if I’m honest. I’d prefer to leave that until I’m totally comfortable with all of this. I’d have more strength then, I think, to deal with any negative reaction.”
Is she still not comfortable with this? Ash stopped herself from blurting out the words. Wait a minute. She’s forty-three and considering coming out. Of course she needs to be totally comfortable with all that’s happening to her before she takes that big step. “Anything I can do to help with that?”
Carmen came back to Ash and slid her arms around her waist. “Not right now. But thank you for asking. I just need to work through what this means for my perception of myself. For how others, as well as myself, have seen me all this time. And then decide who I want to tell and how to tell them.” She paused, her eyes narrowed in thought. “I think what I really want is to understand and be happy in my new identity, whatever that is, before I come out to anyone else. And definitely before I speak to my less-than-tolerant mother.”
“Okay, I get it.” Ash kissed her softly. “Talk to me any time, okay?”
“I will.” Carmen squeezed her.
“So how hungry are you? Because I have some soup in the fridge we could heat up, maybe with a salad on the side, or we could order in something more substantial.”
“I’m not hugely hungry, to be honest.” Carmen leaned up and kissed her. “Soup and a salad would be perfect.”
Ash ran one hand lightly down Carmen’s cheek. “Coming right up.” She led Carmen over to the sofa. “You sit down, and I’ll bring your tea over in a sec.”
After she’d prepared the tea, then poured a juice for herself, she put the soup on a low heat and joined Carmen on the sofa.
Carmen immediately entwined their fingers, holding their joined hands on her thigh. “I love holding your hand. I love how our fingers fit together so well and how soft your skin is.”
“Mm, it’s one of my favourite things too.”
They shared a sweet kiss, snuggling in close.
“God, it’s nice to be somewhere quiet for once.” Ash looked down at her. “No fighting for a table anywhere, no noisy people.”
“Yes! Thank you for suggesting we meet at yours. I just couldn’t face being out tonight.”
“It was about time you saw my place.” Ash kissed her. “But I do want to make one thing clear. Inviting you here doesn’t, um, presume anything. You know, about sleeping together or anything like that.”
Carmen blushed once more but smiled. “Thank you for saying that. I wasn’t sure. But equally, I wasn’t worried.” She cupped Ash’s chin. “I’ll know when I’m ready for that, and trust me, you’ll be the first to know.”
Ash chuckled. “Good to know.”
They looked into each other’s eyes, soft smiles playing on their lips.
“I feel like we’re almost back where we should be.” Carmen’s voice was soft.
Ash swallowed. “Yeah, I know what you mean.” She paused. There was still one thing she’d never properly explained to Carmen, and she deserved to know it. And here in the safe space of her own flat, it felt like the perfect time to get it all out there. “Listen, I feel like I need to tell you all about Vikki. Not the abridged version, but the whole thing. I mean, if you don’t want to hear it—”
“I do.” Carmen’s voice was quiet. “I want to understand. But only if you really are ready to tell me.”
“I am.” Ash twisted in her seat to face Carmen but didn’t let go of her hand. Where to begin? “I was hooked on her from the minute she started working at the bank. I…I was such an idiot. I knew she was engaged, and I also knew that her fiancé, Dave, was as about as exciting as a trip to the dentist. She wasn’t happy. I mean, she never said it outright, but the more time we spent together, the more we shared and laughed and talked, I knew she was doubting what she was doing.”
“Did, um, did anything happen with her? I mean, you know, physically.”
“No. Although it did seem as if Vikki was sometimes determined to push the boundaries of our friendship into something more. One night it all came to a head. After someone’s birthday drinks after work, she kissed me. She was leaving, heading off home, and asked me to walk her to the Tube. She grabbed me in an alley behind the bar.” Ash looked at Carmen. “I was so stunned, but of course I returned the kiss because by then I knew how much I felt for her.”
Carmen said nothing, but her intent gaze held Ash’s.
“After a couple of minutes she backed off, looking like she was about to have a heart attack, and sprinted off in the direction of the Tube before I could stop her.” Ash paused. The memories hurt, but she wanted Carmen to know the whole story, so she ploughed on. “I went home and sent her about twenty text messages, begging her to call me. She never answered any of them. And the next morning in the office, she acted like nothing had happened.”
“Oh no.” Carmen clutched Ash’s hand more tightly, and Ash’s heart warmed at the sympathy and understanding in Carmen’s expression.
“I felt as if I’d been slapped. No matter how many times I tried to get her to talk about us and about what had happened, she shut me down.” She shook her head. “I’d fallen for her without even realising it, and she wouldn’t even talk to me. And then there was her wedding. Everyone from work was invited, even me. I know I shouldn’t have gone. But I suppose I wondered if she’d go through with it.”
“That must have been very
