She wanted to say no to this too, wanting to just be by herself, but that would have seemed churlish. “Thank you, that would be lovely.”
It took six or seven minutes to reach Carmen’s house. Another walk completed in total—and awkward—silence. By the time they approached the last few yards, her stomach was in knots. It felt big, as if something fundamental was shifting between them. While one part of her wanted to let it run its course, the rest of her worried about what it all meant and where they would be when they said goodnight.
“Here you are, safe and sound.” Gerald’s voice sounded falsely amused, as if he had to make a big effort to sound casual.
Carmen breathed deeply before turning to him. “Thank you, I appreciate it.”
He stepped closer and gave her a small smile. “Look, I’m not sure what’s changed, but it’s obvious something has. You haven’t been you for a couple of weeks now.”
Oh God . In all of her recent internalised wonderings, it had never occurred to her that he would be this astute. She stared at him. He was so nice. Why wasn’t it enough?
“Is there someone else?”
“No! Definitely not. It’s… I don’t know.” She sighed. “Somehow, lately, what we’ve got doesn’t…” She shrugged. “I can’t explain it.”
“Perhaps I have become rather complacent? I have been busy, but maybe if I make a little more effort, could we—?”
“I don’t think so,” she said gently. “I think I would feel this way no matter what.”
“And how do you feel?” His gaze bored into hers. “What exactly are you saying?”
An image of Tamsyn and Maggie popped into her head. Pieces of the puzzle clicked into place, and everything was clearer.
I don’t have that. Not with him.
And I want it.
But not with him.
Her stomach calmed, and a strange sense of peace washed through her. “You’re a wonderful man, Gerald. We’ve had a wonderful time. But I…I’m not in love with you, and I never will be. It isn’t fair to either of us to keep doing what we’re doing when I know that.”
“I see.” He took a step back and ran a hand through his hair. “Well, then I suppose that’s it.” He gave her a lopsided smile. “I’ve never known if what I felt for you was truly love. I’m not good with those sorts of feelings. But I do know that I’m very sad for this to be ending.” He gave her a small smile. “But I thank you for the way you’ve handled it and for being so honest.”
Somehow it didn’t help that he was being so nice about it, and Carmen scolded herself for thinking it. Would it be better if he was shouting and angry? No, of course not.
“Thank you, for being so understanding.” She raised up on her toes to kiss his cheek.
He said nothing, simply looked at her for a long moment, then turned and strode off down the street.
Carmen watched him go until he was out of sight. What the hell had she just done? She pulled her phone from her handbag. It was a little after nine but still early enough to call Felicity.
Her friend answered on the second ring. “Hello, darling, how are—?”
“I just ended it with Gerald.”
There was a brief silence. “Flag a cab down; I’ll get the wine open.”
Carmen hung up and strode down the street to the junction with the main road. Within a minute she was in a cab on her way to Maida Vale. To her surprise, tears dripped from her eyes as she gazed out the cab window. They came from a mix of sadness at the parting with Gerald and gratitude for having a friend as reliable and supportive as Felicity. And, she had to admit, a touch of self-pity for being alone again, despite knowing that being with Gerald wasn’t the answer.
Felicity let her into the house and gave her a hug. “Hmm, I see puffy eyes. Was it awful? Did he yell?”
“No, he was the perfect gentleman.” Carmen followed Felicity as she led her through the house to the kitchen. “I have had a little cry, though. For all sorts of reasons.”
Felicity pushed a box of tissues across the counter. “I cried buckets when Michael and I split up, even though I knew it was the right thing to do. Endings are always awful, no matter who decides to go.”
“That is so true.” Brief memories of Lewis leaving entered her mind, but she pushed them away. She was feeling raw enough as it was.
Felicity pulled a bottle of white wine from the fridge and held it up. “Yes?”
“Definitely.”
Felicity poured them each a glass. They sat at the breakfast bar, its marble top illuminated by soft lights in the ceiling above them. They tapped glasses and took a sip or two.
“Did you and Gerald part on good terms?”
“We did. It seems he was more emotionally involved than I’d realised and was quite sad.” Carmen ran her fingertips over the cool marble of the bar, her mind working hard to put all the pieces together to explain how she’d ended up where she was. “But I couldn’t stay with him. I don’t love him, and I don’t think he loves me. Not really. Yes, we had a nice time together, but tonight I realised that just wasn’t enough.”
Felicity sipped her wine, then placed her glass down and laid her palms flat on the breakfast bar. “Good, I’m pleased for you.”
“I’m sure you are. I know you never liked him.”
“Actually, that’s not true.” Felicity’s tone was sharp. “I think he’s a very nice man, and God knows he’s easy on the eye. I was simply never happy seeing you settle for someone who didn’t fulfil you. Gerald was the latest in a long line of nice men, but not a man to set your world ablaze.”
“Oh, come on. I could
