But now I fully understood what she meant. Ryder was my chance at happiness and fulfillment, but to achieve it, I had to open myself to him. I had to trust him with all my being. Not just my body, but also my heart…my very soul, and that was terrifying. My fear wasn’t that I worried Ryder would hurt me. I knew the man he was. Sweet. Kind. Romantic. He had the patience of a saint.
But knowing he would be careful with my heart, and willingly handing it over were two different things. Yet I did. With fear and yet hope, I’d given him more of me than I’d ever given anyone.
It started at the Harvest Festival when I faced my second biggest fear and spoke in front of the crowd about how great he was. It continued that evening when I faced my first biggest fear and told him how I felt. Not only did he accept my love and fears, but he seemed to understand the magnitude of what that meant for me, and he cherished my feelings and me.
Now, several weeks later living with Ryder for real, I found it was getting easier and easier to trust that I’d be okay. I wasn’t opening myself up to get hurt, and he wasn’t going to leave me behind, as my parents had done when I was a kid. I believed him when he said he loved me. I trusted him to cherish my heart. He saw me and understood me as no one ever had.
Now my biggest fear was that I’d say or do something to mess things up, because while I was opening my heart to love, that didn’t mean my personality changed. I could still be mouthy. But when I needed to be challenged, he stood up to me in a way that was frustratingly honest and gentle. Other times, he gave me a look that said I was going off the rails, and then would move on. That was frustrating too, but because I loved him, instead of barking back, I’d stop and assess my thoughts and feelings, as taught to me by my virtual therapist. Nine times out of ten, I was more upset than the situation needed and I could have expressed myself better.
Mostly I learned that having someone to count on was so much better than trying to go at it alone. I’d been so scared on my first doctor visit, but with Ryder by my side the second time, I had someone to share my concerns, to hold my hand, and then make me laugh or smile with some quip or joke about the baby.
Work was back to normal, which meant I could be mouthy there as well. For the most part I used it in my gatekeeper responsibilities to keep people from bothering the mayor. I was still upset about Brooke, and wasn’t afraid to express my frustration when she was doing a job that had been mine. However, the mayor and Sinclair were doing a better job at explaining why they were making the decisions they were regarding the divvying of duties between me and Brooke.
So, all and all, life was good. No, I thought as I entered Ryder’s house…my house, after work, life was fantastic. If only I didn’t have to go to another one of those senior dance parties. Why was Sinclair continuously pawning off that duty to me? I wanted my old duties back, not new ones.
I walked in the door and stopped short when I saw Ryder standing in the living area in his nice slacks and white shirt, holding a rose.
“Don’t tell me,” I said. “You’re playing at the senior center tonight.”
“Yep.” He stepped up to me, giving me the flower and a kiss.
When he pulled back, I narrowed my eyes at him. “What a coincidence, I have to go there too.”
He flashed me his sexy grin. “A coincidence indeed.”
I must not be as smart as I thought as I realized this was probably a conspiracy. “So, you did set this up?”
His expression turned serious. “A man in love never reveals his secrets.”
I laughed. “Okay Romeo. Let me get changed, although I don’t know what I’ll wear. I’m starting to get too big for my britches.”
His hand went to my belly. “You’re beautiful.”
“You’re biased,” I said, giving him a kiss on the cheek and then heading to the bedroom to change.
“That doesn’t mean I’m wrong,” he called after me.
Twenty minutes later, we pulled into the senior center parking lot.
“I hate doing this,” I said as he walked with me into the building. “I’m not the schmoozing type.”
“No one likes schmoozers,” he said. “Just be yourself.”
I eyed him. “You’ve met me. I’m not always at my best when I’m myself.”
“People like authenticity, even if they’re a little rough around the edges.”
“You like rough around the edges?” I asked as he reached to open the door to the large hall.
“I love you.”
Even after all these weeks together, it still melted my heart and made me feel like a sappy school girl when he said that.
I smiled, and I’m sure it looked dopey, but I didn’t care.
As he and his band set up, I made the rounds of the room, saying hello and asking how they were doing. I heard about the latest gossip, including who was sleeping with who. There was a time when such news creeped me out, but now, it made me hope that Ryder and I were still getting it on when we were octogenarians. Assuming we were still together then.
With a head shake, I pushed out the idea that maybe this wasn’t forever. It was another tip my virtual therapist taught me; live in the moment and don’t let what might or could be ruin now. Now, Ryder was my man. We were having a baby, and so far, all our plans involved us raising this child together.
“Good evening ladies and gentlemen,” Ryder said from the mic on
