“Maybe you need a retreat,” my mother said. “You look tired.”
“It’s been a long few weeks.” Was it weeks? Or was it days? It felt like a lifetime.
“Maybe some counseling,” she added.
I looked at her, surprised.
She gave me a sheepish smile. “Jim said he thought you could use it. He thinks you might have PTSD.”
I rolled my eyes. “It’s not that bad.”
“He’s not the only one who noticed, son,” my father said, wiping his mouth with a napkin.
“Maybe it’s not PTSD, but you could have anxiety or just need someone to talk to. While you were cleaning up for lunch, I found someone.” My mother took a piece of paper out of her pocket and slid it to me.
“I don’t need all this,” I said, feeling like a loser. I also couldn’t understand how telling a stranger about my life would make the crushing guilt and anxiety go away. It seemed like talking about it would make it come to life.
“Just one visit, Nick. Please.” My mother’s eyes shone with worry.
“Your mental health is nothing to take lightly,” my father said. “We don’t think less of you if you’re struggling, but we will be highly annoyed if you don’t do something about it.” My father put his hand on my back. It was both reassuring, but also insisting.
“Fine. I’ll go.”
“Good. Now, tell us about you and Mia. We heard she moved back home. Did you and she rekindle things?” my mother smiled hopefully.
I laughed. “People have a really odd fascination with me and Mia.”
“A mother always hopes her son will find a nice girl, settle down, and have babies. We might even move back to Goldrush Lake if there were grandchildren.”
I wiped the condensation off my ice tea glass. “I don’t know that I’ll be going back to Goldrush Lake.”
My mother’s smile faltered, but then rallied. She put her hand over mine. “You’ll find your path, Nick. Your dad and I are here for whatever you need.”
This was why I’d come to my parents. I was a grown man, but sometimes, even a grown man needed his base, his center, to help him get straight. A part of me wished I could have that with Mia, and at the same time, it knew it was too much to ask her to take me on when I was clearly not in a good place right now.
32
Mia
“What do you mean he left?”
Eli stood by my bedside. He’d come in early the next morning while I was getting yet another assessment by the nurse.
“He said he needed to take some time away to get his shit together.”
I frowned. “Did you have one of your tantrums and make him leave?”
His jaw tightened. “No. In fact, we talked a bit. You were right, Mia. He’s got no reason to stay. No job. A town that’s pissed.”
My heart split in two. Nick didn’t feel the desire to stay for me. I wasn’t a reason to remain in town.
“Will he be back?”
Eli frowned. “He didn’t know. Why are you crying?” He grabbed a tissue and handed it to me. I hadn’t realized I was crying until he said something.
“Just overly emotional, I guess.”
“Do you still love him?”
I wiped the tears, opting not to answer. Eli was the last person to discuss my feelings about Nick with.
“I hope he finds what he needs. I know it’s been hard for him.”
“Mia.” Eli took my hand, and I thought he was going to ask again, but instead he said, “I’m sorry.”
“What for?”
“For whatever my part is in your crying.”
I squeezed his hand. “I like it when you’re like this.”
“What? Nice?” He gave me a crooked smile.
“Yes. Not bitter and angry. Suspicious of the world.”
He looked down. “I know I’ve been an asshole. Not just about Nick but everything. I realized last night that he doesn’t have it so great after all.”
“Oh?” My heart clenched at the idea that Nick was in pain.
“He’s going through the wringer, for sure. He looked like hell. I think he feels he needs to go. Lyle’s mob ran him out of town.”
I nodded, wondering how a town that once lauded Nick could so easily turn on him. Now that he didn’t work here, we could be together if only he stayed. I could have been the one to hold him through the nightmares. To support him through the lawsuit. But I guess he didn’t see me like that, and that moved my sadness to anger. After everything, I didn’t mean enough for him to even say goodbye, much less be a friend. He couldn’t be bothered to return my call. Not even with a text. I guess that meant we were over. Then again, I suppose we never really started. We never got beyond admitting our being together was more than sex. That didn’t mean it was love, at least for him. For me, it was love. It had probably been love the first time I saw him again. But I hadn’t told him. Would it have made a difference if I had? Would he have stayed and faced all his challenges if he knew I’d be by his side?
“He’ll have to be back sometime,” Eli said. “He just took a small bag.”
I tried to smile. “Did it really bother you that much to learn Nick and I were together?”
“Yes. You’re my sister. He was my best friend. My friend shouldn’t know my sister like that.”
I nodded. “I guess that would be weird. He was good to me, Eli. I loved him.”
“He loved you too, at least that’s what he said. He wanted to spend his life with you.”
“What?” I frowned.
“He said he’d wanted to spend his life with you, but you broke it off when you went to L.A.”
I shook my head. “He never said that to me.”
“I guess he realized your dream was elsewhere. He did say mom wanted you two together,
