“Does he love me?”
Fuck he was talking like I wasn’t there.
“Yes, son. I love you so much.” That had been the strangest part of all this. I’d cared for him when he was just Serena’s son, but hearing he was mine; it was like my heart doubled in size.
He looked at me with apprehension. “Can I call you Daddy?”
Jesus…make that quadrupled in size. I covered my heart with my hand. “Yes. I’d love it if you did.”
23
Serena
I was broken. My heart. My soul. When I walked into my parents’ apartment that afternoon and saw Devin and realized he knew about being Andrew’s father, I felt my entire world crumble. I wanted to go back and do it all over again. But now it was too late.
I wanted to beg him to forgive me, but I could see in his eyes that I’d hurt him too badly. He was broken too. He was devastated and it was my fault. I’d been a selfish bitch, only worried about my feelings and protecting Andrew. I hadn’t seriously considered Devin’s feelings. The truth was, I didn’t deserve him. The entirety of our relationship I’d been selfish and hurtful.
But Andrew did deserve him, and so I’d need to do whatever I could to support their relationship.
“Devin would like you to go stay with him for a day tomorrow,” I said. I was trying so hard to be strong and positive for Andrew, but it was so hard. Inside, I was completely undone.
Andrew looked from Devin to me. “Do I have to sleep there?”
“A sleepover will be fun,” Devin said.
“Where will I sleep?”
“I’ll have a bed for you. Your own room. I can hang airplanes if you want.” Devin remembered Andrew wanting his planes hung. See, he was good dad material even before he knew he was a dad.
“What about my toys?” Andrew’s expression was apprehensive and I worried how Devin might interpret that.
“We’ll pack some of your favorites,” I said.
Andrew scooted off the couch and pressed against me. He looked up at me with his big blue eyes. “Will you be there too?”
I shook my head. “This is time with your dad.”
“What if I get scared?”
I glanced at Devin, who had resentment toward me in his eyes. I couldn’t blame him. Andrew was nervous about being with his own father. That was my fault.
“Then you tell Devin—ah…your dad, and he’ll help you.”
Andrew snuggled closer to me as he looked up at Devin. “Are you going to live with us now? Mommies and daddies live together.”
My heart stuttered in my chest as that dream fluttered away.
“Not all mommies and daddies live together,” I somehow managed. “Some of them have two homes. And Devin…your dad has a mommy and daddy, and a sister.”
“Are they nice?”
I looked away because I was terrified that they wouldn’t be.
“I’ll make sure they are,” Devin said.
Andrew shrugged. “Okay.”
“I know you’ll have fun,” I said. “Why don’t you go in the kitchen with Grandma and Grandpa, so Devin and I can finish our talk.”
“’kay.” Andrew started past me. When he got to Devin he stopped. “Do you like to play Go Fish?”
Devin smiled. “I haven’t played in a long time.”
“I’ll show you how. I’m good at it.”
“I bet you are.”
Andrew reached out and hugged Devin. Devin buried his face against Andrew. It was beautiful to see, even as it made me feel worse.
Andrew ran off to the kitchen. The minute he was out of the room, Devin jumped up and moved away, like he couldn’t put distance between us fast enough.
“I’m sorry, Devin.” The words were so inadequate, and yet I couldn’t think of anything else to say. I desperately wanted to find the words that would allow him to forgive me, but those words didn’t exist.
He held his hand up. “Don’t. Your words are worthless.”
I nodded. His words were like a knife to my heart. He paced for a moment. “When can I come get him tomorrow?”
“I can bring him to your place. Nine or so?”
He looked at me with such pain and loathing, I wanted to shrivel and disappear.
“You still don’t think I can—”
I shook my head. “It’s not a reflection of you. I think it would be an easier transition for Andrew if I bring him to you. That’s all.”
He gave a curt nod. “Fine. My parents’ house. Nine tomorrow.”
“Yes. Okay.”
He stared at me for a moment. “I thought I knew you.”
My lips quivered and tears streamed down my face. “I’m sorry. I really am.” I looked down as the shame became too difficult to bear.
“Why? Jesus…why Serena?”
The pain in his voice had me breaking.
“At first I was afraid. I knew I needed to tell you, but the longer time went the harder it was.”
“That makes no sense.”
“I was trying to find a way to tell you that wouldn’t destroy your feelings for me.”
His jaw tightened. “You should have told me from the beginning. I should have known you were pregnant.”
I wondered what he would have done. Would he have come back to New York? Would he have insisted I go Europe with him? At that time, he wasn’t standing up to his mother.
He put his hands on his hips. “If you’d come to Europe with me, I’d have known.” He said as if he’d just realized it. “Did you know you were pregnant and that’s why you didn’t come? Because your parents certainly didn’t talk you out of coming. They were clueless about that.”
“Your mother talked me out of going with you.” I wondered if I should have kept that to myself. This was my fault, and while she played a role, in the end, all this was on me.
“You lie. Do you lie about everything?”
“I’m not lying.”
His expression was disbelieving as he stared at me. “She didn’t even know about you. How could she talk you out of going?”
I inhaled a breath, trying to gather strength before I wilted into
