“No. Not from your work. From me and the kids though, staying away is easy.” Okay, so maybe that was a little over the top, but not by much.
He swallowed. “Don’t be like that.”
“Like what Brayden? Don’t be angry that you couldn’t be on time when I learned my cancer was worse? That I’d need to have my breasts removed? That you couldn’t be bothered to make the effort to be here?”
He closed his eyes, and I hoped it was self-loathing he was feeling. “I’m sorry.”
The doors to the elevator opened, and I didn’t look at him as I started out.
“Terra, I have the rest of the day. Let’s—”
“No.” I stopped, whirled on him. “I’m going home to rest and regroup before I have to get the kids. You go back to work or do whatever. I don’t want to see you right now.”
His eyes widened in shock. I was a bit surprised by my outburst as well. We’d argued in the past, but I don’t think I’d ever said anything like that before.
He nodded, reluctantly. “Okay.”
I turned to leave.
“Terra,” he said. “I’m sorry.”
I stopped and turned. “You’re always sorry, Brayden. But you never seem to be sorry enough to change. If this cancer kills me, who’s going to raise the kids? Because clearly your work is too important for us.”
“It’s not—”
I didn’t stick around to listen to the rest of what he might say. I headed out the door and to my car. I wondered if he and I would ever be in sync again or for any period of time longer than a few days. Was our marriage going to be like this forever? And if so, would I be able to endure it?
As I got in my car, I realized that I might not have to worry about it if my cancer didn’t respond to treatment.
21
Brayden (Wednesday)
I’d thought I’d hit a low point before, but today was the lowest. I wasn’t there when Terra received news that her cancer wasn’t responding as hoped. I still couldn’t figure out how worried I needed to be except, cancer, it was deadly. Sure, many people survived it, but many didn’t. Her mother hadn’t. Derek, Emma’s husband, hadn’t. Jesus, if I lost Terra, I don’t know what I’d do.
A part of me wanted to run after her and do whatever I had to do to make this up to her. Grovel if I had to. But I also knew that would annoy her more. It would annoy me too. She was right in that my words and actions weren’t a match. But god damn, I was trying. I couldn’t just walk out and expect the company to run itself. I was so close to getting projects on track and delegating enough work to Kyle that I’d be able to work less, with some of that time working from home so I could be with her and the kids more. That’s why I was late. I was handing off another duty to Kyle and I wanted to be sure he was fully apprised of how to manage it.
I checked my watch. There was still plenty of workday left. Maybe I should go back to work. I’d be able to get that much more done, so I could finally give her what she wanted.
Absently I looked at the brochure in my hand. I wondered if a cancer support group would help me get my shit together? I felt like I was failing when it came to providing Terra with what she needed. Would a group of strangers have tips for me beyond simply being there more?
An older gentleman approached me. “Are you looking for the cancer support group?”
“Ah…yeah…” What the hell. I had the time and maybe it would help me become a better husband.
“I’m heading there now. I’ll show you the way. I’m Bob.” He held out his hand.
“Brayden,” I said shaking his hand.
“Come with me Brayden.”
The group was held back up on the oncology floor. There was half a dozen or so people already there when Bob and I walked in. They were a mix of men and women, mostly older, with a couple of them looking around my age.
“Denise and Sam, this is Brayden,” Bob said leading me to two people setting up coffee and Danishes.
“These are our leaders,” Bob said to me.
I greeted the leaders.
“Welcome to the group,” Sam said. “Although I’m sorry you have a need for it.”
I nodded. “Thank you.” I’d never been to any sort of counseling before, so I wasn’t sure what to expect. For a moment, I considered leaving. I didn’t want to have to confess all my failings at taking care of Terra to strangers. But Bob continued to introduce me to other members, so it felt rude to leave.
A few minutes later, more people had arrived and we were sitting in plastic chairs arranged in a circle. The group started with a quick round of introductions that included the reason we were there. Most of the other members were like me in that they had a spouse or significant other with cancer. Bob’s wife had died just over a year ago. One woman had a teenage son with cancer. I couldn’t imagine what I do if Lanie or Noah had cancer.
Members of the group all shared their challenges or victories of the week. One said her husband had a clean bill of health now six months out from his treatment. I wondered why she was still coming if her husband was cured, but then she shared how she felt like his cancer was hiding in him. She couldn’t let go of the fear that any minute he’d be incurable. Was that how I’d feel with Terra when her treatment was finished?
“This week would have been Sarah’s seventieth birthday,” Bob said. His face was relaxed but his eyes welled with tears.
“Was this the first birthday since she passed?” Denise asked.
He nodded. “The firsts are hard, but I’m
