Everyone nodded.
“I try to live my life because she’d want me to, but sometimes it’s like living without a heart. Like something is missing, you know?”
The man across from me shivered. “I don’t want to know. I don’t know how I’d be able to live like you do Bob. When I think about it, I can’t breathe.”
“How is Lisa?” Sam asked the man.
“She’s a trooper. I’m the one that’s a fucking—ah…sorry… a mess. But she’s just finishing her second round of chemo.”
“It’s funny how we’re supposed to be the strong ones, but I feel like Jerry is the one holding us all together,” another woman said. “I mean I try to be positive and stoic, but inside, I’m a mess too.”
I could relate to that. Terra was facing a disease that took her mother with grace and dignity and I was the one who couldn’t seem to handle it very well. I wanted to be strong for her, but she was the one plowing through.
“Sometimes focusing on the details of everyday life is what helps cancer patients deal. Having too much time to dwell on the illness can be debilitating. Having normalcy and something to do helps them cope,” Sam said.
Normalcy. That’s what Terra kept saying she wanted, especially for the kids. I’d need to remember that.
“It’s still amazing that she can be so strong,” the man said.
“What about you Brayden?” Denise asked me.
I jerked, not prepared to share. “Ah…my wife is the strongest person I know.”
“How are you coping with her cancer?” Sam asked.
“Not well.” I was surprised to admit it. “Well…I think I’m coping but I’m not being the husband I should be. Every day I let her down.” Fuck. I scraped my hands over my face.
I felt a hand on my back. “We all feel like that,” Joe said. “It maybe sexist but I think for men the feeling of being worthless is more acute because we’re supposed to take care of our wives and children. Not being able to fix things makes us feel inept.”
I appreciated his attempt to make me feel better, but I knew the truth. “No. I’m a terrible husband.”
“Are you cheating?”
My head snapped up to a woman across from me, who’s dark piercing eyes suggested she’d been cheated on.
“No. I love my wife.” I rubbed my hand over my chest that all of a sudden felt tight.
“So, what do you mean?” Bob asked.
Fuck I didn’t want to go into this. “I work a lot.”
“That’s the worst thing about this. You can’t stop working because you need the job for the insurance and to pay all the medical bills insurance doesn’t cover,” the man who’d spoken earlier said. “I hated when I couldn’t get off to help with her treatments.”
“That’s just it…” I swallowed as I prepared to have the group see me as the asshole I was. “I could get off.”
They didn’t look at me disapproving. No, they appeared more baffled.
“I own the business,” I clarified.
“That doesn’t mean you can just leave.” Bob patted my back again. “An unattended business goes out of business.”
I appreciated Bob’s attempt to make my behavior less bad.
“That’s what I’ve been telling myself, but it’s not true. Not in my case. I have people who can manage things.”
“So why don’t you?” the angry woman asked.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Habit? Fear?”
“Fear of what?” Denise asked in a gentle tone. Why she wasn’t calling me out on my bullshit, I didn’t know. What did the reason matter? The truth was, I should have been on time today?
I sat in my own self-loathing for a moment. “Losing it all, I guess. I’m not sure.”
“You’re more afraid of losing your business than you wife?” The angry woman asked with an edge of disapproval.
“No, but I can see how my actions seem to suggest that. That’s what my wife thinks and frankly, I can’t blame her.” I took a breath not enjoying all the feelings this confession was producing.
“So why not change?” Sam asked.
I had no good answer to that.
“Have you ever lost everything before?” Denise asked.
“I’ve had nothing before.” Less than nothing even.
Denise and Sam nodded as if my statement revealed something about me. I hoped they’d enlighten me.
“When was that?” Sam asked.
“Growing up.” God, I hoped that I didn’t have to go into that. This was supposed to help me do better for Terra, not re-live my difficult childhood.
“Can you tell us about that?” he prodded.
“I thought I was here to talk about my wife’s cancer,” I said not wanting to delve into my past.
“This is clearly related,” Sam said.
I looked around the room at all the others there. Surely one of them wanted a turn. But all stared at me as if they were waiting for my childhood sob story.
I sighed. “We were poor.”
“How poor?” The angry lady asked with a tone that suggested I was being a pussy.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Really poor.”
“Where you homeless?” she asked..
I looked her in the eyes. “Sometimes.”
She blinked, clearly not expecting that. “Where was your dad?”
I shrugged. “I don’t have one.”
“Everyone has a dad, even if it’s an absent one,” she quipped.
The truth was, I had no clue who he was. I’m not sure my mother did. I was curious about him as a kid, but as I got older, I decided I didn’t want to know. It was clear that I wasn’t planned, which meant I was a mistake from the harsh realities of a young woman with no resources going through life alone. I figured I was either the result of her turning a trick or an assault. I didn’t know and I didn’t want to know.
“I never knew him. My mother never spoke of him.”
“You probably where hungry sometimes too,” Sam said.
I nodded, hating to have go back and remember how much my stomach would hurt but I wouldn’t tell my mother because I knew she was already feeling bad and stressed about our dire situation. I remembered
