“How about we camp out?” I called to the kids.
“Camp?” Lanie asked.
“We’ll put a tent up in the living room and pretend we’re camping. I’ll even make us some s’mores.” Of course, I’d microwave them instead of roasting marshmallows over a fire, but still, chocolate, marshmallow, and graham crackers were a treat however they were made.
“Yay!”
“Can I help with s’mores?” Noah asked.
“You both can.”
My phone dinged with a text notification.
I know I’m giving you the same line, Terra. I promise you; it will be different after tonight. I love you. I hope you believe me.
I believed he loved me. I didn’t believe things would be different after tonight. I left the phone on the counter. His phone would let him know his text was opened. My lack of response would tell him what I thought about his vows to change.
“I’ll order the pizza and then get the tent from the garage. You kids go round up some pillows and blankets.” I grabbed the landline phone to order the pizza.
An hour later, we were inside the tent with our pizza and s’mores, surrounded by pillows, stuffed animals and baby dolls.
“Can we go camping for real someday?” Noah asked.
“That would be so fun,” I said, not wanting to make any promises. “You and Lanie could catch fish for dinner.”
Both of them squinched up their noses.
“Maybe daddy can catch the fish if he can come with us,” Lanie said.
“Maybe,” I said, wishing Brayden could be more present with the kids.
“Can we make s’mores then too?” Lanie bopped up and down on her knees.
“Of course. It’s not a real camping trip without s’mores.”
“When can we go mommy?” She dipped her pizza crust in ranch dressing as her father always did.
“It’s a bit cold now. Maybe next summer.” God please let me be well enough, I thought.
“Can I bring George?” Noah asked.
“George should probably stay home. But we can have Emma and Nina check on him while we’re gone.”
“When is daddy going to get us shrimp?” Lanie said around a mouthful of pizza crust.
“I don’t know. Maybe we can go this weekend.” If Brayden wouldn’t follow through on the shrimp, I would. Emma said Nina’s shrimp was easy to care for and that it even helped keep the tank clean.
“I’m going to name my shrimp Steven. That’s the name of my best friend at school.” Noah picked up a s’more and took a bite, leaving chocolate and marshmallow on his face.
“That’s a great name,” I said.
“I don’t know what I’m going to name mine.” Lanie pushed her pizza aside and reached for a s’more. “I just hope daddy didn’t forget.”
He doesn’t forget, I wanted to tell them. He just lets himself get distracted with work. It was time for me to accept that.
As the day came to an end and I put them to bed, I was satisfied that we’d squeezed every bit of joy we could from life. Granted I was sick and Brayden was MIA again, but for a few hours, the kids and I lived in bliss.
“I had fun, mommy,” Noah’s sleepy voice said as I tucked him in.
“Me too, baby.”
“Can you stay with me?” he asked.
I reached for the stuffed animal Brayden had used to help him sleep, but then I set it aside and lay down with him. I pulled him close, inhaling his sweet little boy scent from his bath. My life was filled with challenges, from an absent husband and cancer, but I had two beautiful children. Whatever happened to me or my marriage, I’d always be grateful for my kids.
I remembered back to not long before my mother died. She was so weak and rarely awake. But I lay with her and she’d been able to put her arm over me.
“You’re my pride and joy,” she’d said. “I wouldn’t change anything.”
At the time, her statement had pissed me off. Why wouldn’t she change the cancer? Now I understood that she was saying she’d endure the cancer again if it meant having me. Given the choice of having me or being cancer-free, she’d choose me. I’d make the same choice. My kids were everything to me. I’d live on through them as my mother did through me.
I hoped my doctor was right in my prognosis being good, but if not, I’d savor my children and live as much as I could until my fight ended.
23
Brayden (Friday)
If I wasn’t able to pull this off, Terra was going to divorce me for sure, I thought as I worked to make things right. While I knew my plan needed time, I’d hoped to pull off a miracle and do it in a night. That hadn’t been possible and two days later I was still working like a madman to make things right. Two days was faster than any normal person would expect for such a project, but it was likely two days too many for my marriage to survive.
This time I really didn’t have a choice but to work late if I was going to finally fulfill my empty promise to Terra. Not that she understood that. No, she saw me as reverting back to old behavior and she’d spent the last two nights back with Noah, and barely talked to me. Not that I could blame her because on her end, I’m sure it looked like I was giving her the same old line. I just had to hope that when I finished up this project, she’d see I was telling the truth and it wouldn’t be too late for us.
At least she wasn’t the type to turn the kids against me. Not that they needed help to see that I was absent a lot. They had eyes. Fortunately, they didn’t seem resentful yet.
“Daddy, when can we get shrimp?” Lanie asked in the morning as I got them ready for school.
“I’m going to name mine Steven,” Noah added.
Fuck, I’d hadn’t followed through on that. “How about this weekend?”
“Yay.
