I drove home needing to rest and pull myself together before getting the kids. Once I made it home and into bed, I cried again, this time because of the cancer, and my fear of leaving my children. I wondered if this was how my mother had felt. She’s always been so strong and positive during her illness. But when she was alone, did it make her heart hurt so bad she couldn’t breathe?
I woke up an hour later, cleaned off my tears and then went to get the kids at school. I decided I’d take them out for fun and tell them more about my cancer. It was a discussion that I should have with Brayden there, but I couldn’t rely on him to be there for it, and I wanted time to answer the kids’ questions and do what I needed to do to make them feel safe and secure before I went in for surgery.
Once I had the kids in the car with me, I announced we were going to the park. A collective yay, came from the back seat.
“Should we get a snack too?” I asked.
“Can we get ice cream?” Lanie said.
“Why not?” You only live once, right?
We got ice cream in cups to avoid a mishap in the car and make it easier to eat at the park. Then we drove to the park.
“Mommy, are you all done at the doctor?” Noah asked as we sat on a park bench.
My heart clenched in my chest. “Not quite, baby.”
Lanie frowned. “Why not?”
“There’s more sickness.” I looked at my two children, a perfect mesh of both me and Brayden. I couldn’t tell them the extent of my illness, but I couldn’t lie to them either. “In a couple of weeks, I’m going to have a surgery to take it out of me.”
Noah’s eyes widened. “They’re going to cut you?”
I nodded.
“Then you’ll be better?” Lanie asked.
“I’ll have to have some more treatments, but after that, hopefully I’ll be all better.”
Noah’s lip quivered. “Are you going to die?”
Tears flooded my eyes. “I hope not.” What else could I say?
“Your mommy died,” Lanie said, her eyes looking concerned.
My heart hurt so bad that I couldn’t alleviate her fears. “My doctor says this will make me all better.”
“Do you miss your mommy?” Noah asked.
“Yes. Every day. I wish she could have known you. She’d love you both so much. Just like I do.”
“Do you have what she had?” Lanie was only six, but she clearly was more astute than I’d given her credit for.
“It’s similar.” I couldn’t bring myself to tell them it was the same. I didn’t want them to think I was headed to the same fate as my mother. I remembered how scared and sad I was when I learned my mother would die. I didn’t want my kids to go through that if I could avoid it.
“But you’re going to get better,” Noah asked, with a hint of panic in his voice.
“I’m going to do everything the doctor says for me to do.” I now understood why my mother fought until the end, even as it took away her ability to live and enjoy life. She’d done it for me. Like her, I couldn’t pass up on any chance, no matter how small, that I could get well and live a full life watching my kids grow up.
“Does daddy know?” Lanie asked.
“Yes.”
“Who will take care of us if you die?” Noah asked.
His question startled me, and yet, it wasn’t unusual for him or even Lanie to ask such direct questions. Still, it was a revelation that they thought Brayden wouldn’t take care of them.
“Your daddy will.”
“But he works a lot,” Lanie said.
“I don’t want you to worry about being taken care of. That will never be a problem. Okay? Even if your dad is working, there will be someone like Emma there for you.”
“Will daddy marry Emma?” Lanie asked.
This time, I found the question funny. It was a logical one in her young mind. She didn’t know about grown up love and relationships.
“I don’t think so. But that’s not something to worry about now. I plan on being around for a long, long time.”
Both kids sat in heavy silence and I felt bad for ruining their day. “Listen. We’re here to have fun.”
Lanie put her ice cream down and then threw her arms around me. “I don’t want you to be sick mommy.”
I wanted to burst into tears, but somehow managed to keep it together. “I don’t want to either, baby. But I’m fighting.”
Noah’s little arms came around me too.
“I love you both so much,” I said. “Don’t ever forget that, okay?”
“’kay,” they both said.
We played and laughed, and I savored every moment of it. I hoped that if things went bad for me that I’d always be able to remember this day.
I was exhausted when we got home. I texted Brayden to see when he’d be home, which I hope he took to be a cue that it was safe for him to return. Not that I wasn’t going to give him a piece of my mind at some point, but I was calm from the anger I had for him this afternoon.
Finishing up at office. Will be late, but this will be the last time. I promise.
I tossed my phone on the counter, wondering why I always let him get to me. Of course, he was at the office. Of course, he’d be late. And like always, he said it would change. But it never did. If he wasn’t going to change after missing an important appointment today, he wasn’t ever going to change. It was time to accept that.
“How about we order pizza?” I asked the kids. I was too tired to cook.
“Extra cheese, please,” Lanie called from where she and Noah were watching TV.
“And anchovies?” I joked.
“Ewww,” came from the both of them.
My phone rang, and looking at the screen I saw it was Brayden. It was immature, but I hit
