On Friday, I worked with Kyle to finalize my plans and crossed my fingers that by that afternoon, I’d have everything in place. Maybe I’d even make it home for dinner.
After lunch, I took an hour and went to the cancer support group. I’d been so uncomfortable during the last one, but now, I found myself needing to be around them. They understood the challenges cancer brought to a family. They also seemed to understand my personal struggle. With Terra pulling away from me, I felt like I was floundering. I hoped Bob and the group could reassure me that I was on the right track and give me the last bit of courage and support I needed to get this done and then win my wife back.
“I’m glad you’re back Brayden,” Bob said when I walked in. A part of me felt guilty for being there. I’d made time for this meeting, but hadn’t been on time for Terra’s last appointment. Still, I needed these people right now to help me get over the next hurdle.
“Thank you. I wasn’t sure I would,” I admitted.
“It can be hard to bare your soul, and yet it’s good for you.” Bob poured himself a coffee and got a Danish.
I passed on the Danish, but did get some coffee.
The angry woman and the guy married to Lisa were there, as well as the leaders and all the others from the last meeting.
Like the first meeting, I held back from participating. Just being in a room of people who were in a similar situation was calming.
“My husband got angry with me because I can’t go with him on his next rounds of chemo,” a woman who hadn’t spoken much the last time said. “My boss won’t let me off work and we need insurance from my job.”
“Surely he understands that,” Sam said.
“He does and he doesn’t. I want to be there, but I don’t want to upset my boss either.”
“You don’t want to risk losing your insurance, either,” said the angry woman, who wasn’t angry, but did seem annoyed.
“You got time off for this meeting,” Denise pointed out.
“We close early on Fridays. On Wednesday when I got back from this meeting, I was called into my boss’s office and he expressed concern about how much time I was away. Wednesday I was on my lunch break, but even so.”
I felt bad for her, but mostly I felt like a bigger ass. I didn’t have a boss preventing me from being with my family. I didn’t have to worry about losing health insurance. And yet, I’d still not been fully present for Terra’s treatments and doctor’s appointments.
Everyone chimed in with support and suggestions, except me because I didn’t think I had anything to offer her.
“How are you Brayden?” Denise asked as we moved on to the next topic.
“I’m…in limbo.”
“What do you mean?” Sam prodded.
“I’ve made a decision that is taking me longer to enact and so, my life is the same, at least where my wife is concerned. I thought I could get it done fast and then focus on her, but that’s not happening.”
“Have you explained to her?” Bob asked.
“I’ve tried but she’s avoiding me. And I’ve said things before to indicate I’d change, but then didn’t. Until it’s done, she won’t believe me. I don’t blame her really.”
“Is her treatment done?” another member asked.
“She has surgery in two weeks. Double mastectomy and then more chemo and radiation. I want to be there one hundred percent for that.”
“Before it seemed like your fear of losing everything and living like you did as a child was preventing you from taking the time you needed. What’s different about what you’re trying to pull off now that your concern about losing it all won’t get in the way?” Sam asked.
“That’s not driving me now. I need to get this last thing done and then I can give her what she needs. I just worry she won’t want me anymore.”
“You don’t think she still loves you?” Bob put his hand on my shoulder.
“I think she’ll always love me, but maybe not be in love with me, if that makes sense.” The thing that hurt me to my core was how she’d look at me. Like I was a disappointment. I swore I could see her love for me leaving each time I looked into her eyes. She didn’t look at me the same as she had back when we dated and early in our marriage.
“I wouldn’t worry about it if you’re really going to follow through,” Bob reassured me.
“I don’t know. She’d talked to a lawyer before her cancer diagnosis.”
There was a collected of, “oh” in the group. That made me feel worse. It solidified that feeling like I was on the edge of losing everything, only now I knew what that really meant. I never wanted to be homeless and hungry again, but I could survive if I did. Losing Terra and my kids, that would be the end of me.
“Open communication is always the best course of action,” Sam said.
“She’s not talking to me. She won’t pick up when I call or respond to my texts. She’s not sleeping in our bed.”
This time a few winced.
“She may not be talking or even wanting to listen, but that doesn’t stop you from talking or texting. You can’t give up, Brayden. The minute you stop trying, then your marriage is over,” Denise said.
I rubbed my hand over my chest because my heart ached so fucking bad.
“You still have time,” Bob patted me on the shoulder. “Don’t give up.”
This time I left group feeling worse, and at the same time even more committed to get this project done asap.
When I got back to the office, Kyle was waiting for me. “We’ve got a problem.”
Fuck. No
