“You are not a—” Darshan’s voice cracked. The inhalation he gave was tearful as was the blustery sigh that followed. “Any application of magic would be fruitless; there is nothing to fix. You are no more broken than I.”
“Tell that to me mum.”
“I would, if I honestly believed she would hear me. But…”
Scoffing, Hamish turned his attention the tree beyond where the bear lay. They were fortunate that Darshan’s attack on the poor creature hadn’t started a forest fire. “Me mum hears nae one but herself.” Echoes of his brother’s lamenting drifted up from the depths of his memory. “She keeps her own council and decides the kingdom’s direction on a whim.”
“Dangerous, that. Listening only to yourself.”
“So you see why this—” He gestured between them with a chest-level flutter of his hand. “—cannae happen?” Not a damn thing between them. No matter how much he wanted it. “You were wrong. Every thought you had about having me in Minamist is wrong.” He shook his head. “It’s all wrong.”
Darshan’s gaze slid to the ground between them as he chewed on his lip. “If you thought us being together was wrong, then why persist? I told you that, if you did not wish to pursue anything, you only had to stay away. I would have understood your decision.”
Dread bubbled in his stomach. “I remember.”
“But you came to my quarters and agreed to continue on afterwards. Why?”
So many reasons. Because he’d been enchanted by the thought that he was still desirable, that thirteen years hadn’t changed his ability to pleasure a man to completion, that maybe just the once he could be himself from the start. If he’d been in his right mind, he would’ve refused the offer, but he had always had a weakness for the intelligent, witty and handsome types.
But mostly, his actions had been fuelled by one fact.
“I did it because I wanted you.” That was the reality, plain and simple. Ever since Darshan had kissed him in The Fisherman’s Cask, then promised more within Hamish’s own room, his loins had taken control of his senses. And he was glad for it.
“Then why—?”
“That doesnae matter anymore. Goading that bear was the only choice I had and you took it away. They would’ve been able to mourn me then move on.” Just like they’d done with his siblings’ spouses and their children. “Nae one’ll miss me.”
“What absolute nonsense,” Darshan’s reply carried little in the way of emotion, no heat, no pity. Just as if he’d stated a fact. “You think your mark on the world could be erased so easily? You are their brother, their uncle, their son. And even if what you say is true with them, there is still me.”
“Is there really? You get to leave. You go home and I’m stuck here living the same life I was before you came.” He shook his head, mirthless laughter huffing between his teeth. “Except it willnae be the same. It cannae be anymore. I’ll be forced into a marriage I dinnae want.”
“Marriage? Who to?”
Hamish shrugged and rubbed at his nose. “To whoever wins the contest of arms me mum’s arranged.”
“A contest?” Disdain warped Darshan’s lips and wrinkled his nose. “She would see you handed off like a prize to the victor? This was what brought you to me yesterday? What brought you here?”
Hamish nodded.
“So run. We could find the horses and flee to the Udynean border. They cannot marry you off if you are not here.”
“Find the—?” He twisted around to eye where their mounts had been tethered. Gone. The earth was churned, the surrounding foliage was either broken or shredded. The horses had fled in terror. “Even if we could find them.” Unlikely, given that the horses were probably back at the castle. That would definitely rouse a search party. “I cannae leave. The answering clans are on their way, some have already arrived. If I’m nae here to be married off, then they could turn on me mum. Me whole family. Me wants are nae worth risking a civil war over.”
Darshan nodded slowly. Perhaps he finally understood the predicament Hamish was in. “Do the other clans know you are not exactly… open to sleeping with a woman?”
He shook his head harder as if that would somehow make things clearer to the man. “Nae a soul.” His mother would’ve seen any hint of such knowledge discredited. “If I told them…”
“Let me guess, that would also spark a civil war?”
“Aye. Me niece… me nephews…” He dug his fingers into his hair. “They’re all so young, I cannae just toss their lives on the pyre.” That was the fate that awaited traitors and false rulers. No burying amongst the wilderness, no chance for the soul to return to the Goddess’ bosom. “All because I dinnae want to be with a woman.”
Darshan’s shoulders sagged. “No, I suppose that would be a bit much to expect of you.” He rubbed at his temples, sunlight glittering off his rings. His gaze snapped up to Hamish, those hazel eyes surprisingly sharp. “But what about your life? Do you really think they care so little that they would rather you live a lie for their sake?”
Live a lie. His blood went cold at the very thought. It wasn’t just the marriage he would have to go along with. He’d have to sire a child, learn to be someone he had never been, someone he had never wanted to be. But the alternative…
“Surely, if you explained the situation to the victor, she could be persuaded to—”
Laughing, Hamish buried his head into his hand. “To what? Be married to a man who has nae intentions of lying with her. You dinnae ken
